Dyslexic voters unconvinced about Sarah Palin and Tall

Reassuring news has been thin on the ground for Frodologists supporting the Republican Presidential ticket. Some McCain staffers are attributing it to the unpopularity among dyslexic voters of Mrs Palin, the Vice Presidential candidate. Many are unfortunately confusing her with the fictional character Sarah Plain and Tall, and consequently losing interest in anything she has to say about politics.

Still others are leaning left since they are unsure whether Mrs Palin herself is a fictional character. Many believe that her uncanny inability to answer any question posed and bullish opposition to intelligent dialogue is actually a crude attempt at satire by the Democratic Party. Certain that the Republican Party would never be foolish enough to put forward such a mannequin of a candidate, undecided voters are still waiting for the real vice presidential nominee to be announced.

Other groups of traditionally staunch Republicans are faltering in their support for the VP hopeful since they couldn’t dissect the quip about pit bulls wearing lipstick. The general consensus among these voters is now that Mrs Palin is a supporter of homosexual dog fighting rings. Her strongest base is consequently comprised of weekend bestiality enthusiasts, namely the pressure group Canophiles for Palin.

Another source of confusion for voters is Mrs Palin’s constant references to herself and her running mate as ‘mavericks’. While this moniker itself appeals to America’s legions of would-be gunslingers, supporters are baffled by the total absence in the race of Tom Cruise.

Mrs Palin is arguably doing nothing to woo dyslexics. They have been barred from Republican rallies across the country after accidentally screwing up a “U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant by constantly misspelling it. As the respite from cheering allowed independent thought to re-establish itself, the hall emptied as crowds filtered through the exits.

Furthermore, her responses in interviews to nearly everything barring ‘knock knock’ jokes have been totally unintelligible. Her position on healthcare, taken from a recent interview, is that “it’s great, you know, because what John McCain has said, and what I have said, is that, with job creation, we can make sure the Russians stay out of Wall Street – and Main Street – I want to emphasize that, it’s just as important that they hunt down the terrorists there on Main Street as it is on Wally’s Street – and the enemies of America and its allies won’t stand a towelhead’s prayer of stopping Tina Fey”. Senator McCain later issued yet another statement assuring voters that he never, ever said that.

Her position was obfuscated by a later attempt to explain what she meant by “towelhead’s prayer”. She said: “Oh, you know, a lot of people have jumped on that, pointing their fingers and saying it’s um… I don’t know, you know… [Reporter: “racist?”] … Yeah, racist, I guess is the word. See, it’s just a little ditty we use up in Alaska. Because, the maritime border that we have between our airspace, and Barack Obama’s airspace, I mean I can see it from my house, and it’s given me a lot of experience in raising a family”.

On the other hand, pundits argue that her inability to speak English is forgivable in a state where most government jobs are held by moose. Plus, support from stalwart conservative Republicans remains as unwavering as ever, since her position on the ‘Big Three’ remains clear. Mrs Palin wants to allow baby Jesus to carry a gun. Or she wants to gun down Jesus’ baby. Or maybe Jesus gunned down a baby, and she wants to keep it quiet. I forget which. It’s not important.

However, the one positive for concerned Frodologists in all this is that not all undecided voters will be voting for the Democratic ticket, because Diben isn't a word.

Sarah Palin - veep show

The United States is quickly becoming one of the most generous nations on Earth. Through giving so many of its people over to Frodology, mind, body and soul, it is truly working its way into Frodo’s good graces. We managed to recruit and save a staggering 1,500 people in Kalamazoo, Michigan in a single afternoon, putting us fifty-ninth on the government’s Index of Infectious Hysterias. It’s tough competition in the States, but it really is great to see everyone being so willing to just keep quiet and follow.

With so many new members coming from the States, it is unsurprising that we are receiving pleas from Frodologists for spiritual guidance in the upcoming elections. We are truly thrilled to see this, since choosing your President and political leaders should ultimately be a religious question. So today we’re going to examine the qualifications and attributes of one of the election’s hottest tickets: Sarah Palin.

One item with which Mrs. Palin has earned our trust is her stance on abortion. She is firm, unwavering, and will not countenance abortion under any circumstances. Wait, is not allowing abortion a double negative? Excuse me. Mrs. Palin will at all times allow babies to be born. Well that’s good of her. In a similar vein, we Frodologists feel that since conception is a miracle totally inexplicable by science, every fertilized egg is sanctioned by Frodo, regardless of incest, rape, bestiality, or woeful retardation. In this Mrs. Palin’s stance on abortion resembles Frodology’s own “Abortion is for Quitters” campaign.

Another facet of Mrs. Palin’s persona of which Frodology approves is her commitment to moose hunting. Of course if it wasn’t a part of her life as a public official, it wouldn’t be worthy of comment. But since the introduction under Mrs. Palin of a biannual moose bloodletting on the gubernatorial steps as sacrifice to the Aleutian sun gods, big game is fair game. We support moose hunting because guns are cool and you have to shoot something. Plus if you’re shooting moose, you’re not shooting people, and that keeps the crime rate down. And it’s a good thing she’s hunting moose, because the same does not apply to quails.

One controversial area on Mrs. Palin’s record is her position on federal funding. She received criticism for first supporting and then opposing the “Bridge to Nowhere” project. We Frodologists feel this is unfair, as during the period in which she supported the plan, it was actually called the “Bridge from Somewhere” project and was vastly more sensible when seen from that angle.

Perhaps the only black mark against Mrs. Palin’s name is her aversion to spending money on pork barrels. It is possibly the single thing that Jews, Muslims and Republicans all have in common. We think Mrs. Palin should be less embarrassed about federal spending, and encourage her to pass a bill making Alaska the first state to publicly sponsor Lord of the Rings reenactments. Since a similar bill is already in front of the Wyoming Senate, we urge Mrs. Palin to hurry in this matter.

We also thoroughly applaud Mrs. Palin’s total lack of foreign policy experience and knowledge of the outside world. Indeed, to better reflect our own worldview, it should not be difficult at all to convince her that the world is flat. We fully anticipate that, as an insincere fickle religious opportunist, she will also abandon Jesus to the trite lines of a megachurch hymnbook and embrace Frodo in all His glory.

Words also agree that Mrs. Palin is the right choice. See, ‘Palin’ is an anagram of ‘plain’, but ‘Palin’ isn’t ‘plain’. Thus Mrs. Palin isn’t plain and will be an exciting choice for the vice presidential role. ‘Alnip’ and ‘lipan’ are also anagrams of ‘Palin’, but we’re not sure what they are.

Finally, in the interest of balanced reporting, Obama is a black guy, and they’re people too.

So vote McCain/Palin: a hot piece of AZ and a hot piece of ass!