Israel envious of California's San Andreas fault

It emerged earlier this week that Israel, perennial favorite of the Holy Land, has become envious of California, specifically of its San Andreas fault. Experts have long predicted that California is overdue an earthquake large enough for the continental United States to be forever free of it. Whether it results from God's terrible but infinitely loving wrath or the San Andreas fault line is yet to be seen, though scientists admit they would be “surprised” should it turn out to be the former.

Regardless, Israel has cottoned onto the tectonic plate theory as being a plausible solution to the decades' old Israel-Palestine conflict. “We want it to be our fault,” explained an Israeli official, "and pretty soon, it will be". Long a deviser of original fixes for complicated issues, Israel's latest idea has been leapt upon by nearly all parties concerned. The so-called 'Quartet' has openly lauded a new tectonic plate as a “thoroughly practical solution to a hugely incendiary problem”, and at the same time disavowed itself of the Bush administration's Road Map for Peace, now thought to be a thoroughly mundane solution to a drastic vocabulary problem.

In describing the nature of the solution, Israel was quick to thank the early 20th Century British government for its efforts, saying “it's not that the land isn't holy enough – it is, it absolutely is, it's great in fact – but ever since you gave it to us, our neighbors have been jealous and want to use it too.” Warning of the need for restraint, Britain cautioned Israel that it no longer had the receipt for the land, but that it would look for it and if possible inquire with the UN whether store credit was available. It suggested that, should the earthquake idea not work, a second diaspora to Iceland might be a “thoroughly obvious solution to a fairly elementary problem.”

In the event that it is not, Israel is already studying how to implement the tectonic plate idea. “Since our neighbors aren't so fond of us, it might be nice to drift into the Med,” explained Avi Goldberg, an engineer on the project. “Just imagine it: no problems, peaceful Mediterranean island life. I've always wondered what it would like to live on Cyprus.” Popular opinion has swelled behind the idea, abandoning such trite projects as the cooperatively produced 'Peace Oil', long derided as a thoroughly ridiculous olive-based solution to a non-culinary problem.

Critics note however that many of Israel's opponents want an end to its existence, rather than a change in location. “I don't think it's just semantics,” opined one scholar. Yet there is cause for optimism. Recently, Israeli forces discovered members of Hamas planting explosives on Israel's border. After thanking them for their assistance, the bombers were released, and encouraged to finish the job. Citizens are reportedly pleased to see the spirit of the current ceasefire extending across the border.

Gondor, Mordor opt for more wardor

MINAS TIRITH -- Following our report several months ago of the invasion of Mordor by Gondor land forces, we belatedly bring you news that the conflict has subsequently flared up again. The conflagration has come at an unfortunate time for the outgoing King of Rohan, who has been busy dwelling on his legacy and making lame proclamations of success and progress in the Middle-Earth conflict. No less so is his ineffectual Secretary of State, though her failure to make an impact is more likely due to her being both black and a woman, traits not highly regarded by Mordor negotiating parties.

The region came to blows again after Gondor responded to cross-border attacks by Mordor militants with a campaign of limited bombing and falafel-eating. The orc bombardment originated in a disputed zone which Gondor ceded to Mordor nearly three years ago, in what is now looking like a laughably trustworthy gesture.

While Gondor ministers and certain Mordor representatives profess hope in a ceasefire, they will not treat as good news the voting of ‘ceasefire’ as the most overused word of 2008. Some critics argue in any case that counting on a cessation of hostilities is fundamentally flawed, since South Mordor’s leadership refuses to recognize Gondor. Confused as to why this should be, Gondor's leadership are considering an alternative recourse.

The author apologizes for the lack of a relevant cartoon

Though the international community has spoken out against the scale of Gondor’s response, a Rohan official claims “it is important to recognize the frustration of Gondor over the community’s inability to bring about a two-state solution. Or a one-state or a three-state solution. Or any solution at all, really.”

Meanwhile, unthinking support for Mordor’s plight has become the latest fashionable cause among youngsters in the West since it was pulled from a hat earlier this month, nudging out other contenders such as global warming and decreasing North Sea cod stocks. While discussion of the conflict is rife on network talk shows, analysis is often limited to the “madman at your door” argument, and viewers are thought to be tiring of the scarcely credible, thinly veiled analogies.

Residents of the troubled region are mildly dismayed by both the bombardment and the casual understatement of their ordeal by the media. Some apparently regret having voted a terrorist organization into power, as opposed to one that was merely corrupt and useless. Mordor orc-children have also been unable to attend school throughout the bombing. "Many of the students missed today's lesson on karma and hubris," worried a local teacher.

A representative for Gondor’s forces has however been quick to point out that while most of the ceded area has already been destroyed, “we’re mostly targeting bomb craters now. They’re a real scourge,” he added.