White: Mr. Ryan, your new line of Jesus action figures is drawing a lot of attention. What can you tell me about them?
Ryan: We prefer to call them 'collectibles'.
White: Right, collectibles. Same question.
Ryan: Well, they’re made of plastic. Polyethylene mostly. They stand about six inches high, and they make a nice addition to any home.
White: Sorry, perhaps I wasn’t clear. Your products seem to have sparked a lot of controversy. Could you tell me why you think that is?
Ryan: You mean about the drugs?
White: I, um, what? No, I mean about cheapening the value of a sincere religious figure.
Ryan: Cheap? Well, they will retail for $14.95, I think.
White: How can I phrase this? Since you started producing the Jesus figures, you’ve had a lot of problems. People, they, they don’t like what you are doing.
Ryan: …
White: Question mark.
Ryan: Ah, I see what you mean. Yes, some people think that to preserve the Christianity “brand”, Jesus should remain in churches and on billboards, so they don’t really like him being turned into a six inch plastic figure. He comes with accessories though, people always forget that.
White: What do you think the benefits of selling these figures will be over keeping him in his traditional home?
Ryan: Well this way, you can take him with you everywhere. It used to be if you prayed out loud down at the Coney Island, people’d think you’re weird. But if you take your Jesus along, people will know exactly what you’re doing.
White: You, um, mentioned drugs earlier.
Ryan: No I didn’t.
White: Yes you did, right before you told me the price.
Ryan: How much?
White: What?
Ryan: How much do you want for the drugs?
White: I’m not trying to sell you drugs. You just said you had a problem with them!
Ryan: Lady, believe me, everyone who touches drugs has a problem. My advice, stay way the hell clear of ‘em.
White: Uh huh… ok, well perhaps you could just tell me what the Jesus figures do?
Ryan: All kinds of things. They’ll hear your prayers, watch over you on the road, perform miracles – small ones – and one of our younger customers has reported wielding Autobot Jesus in a great victory over Voldemort, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and a pair of velociraptors. They’re fully articulate too.
White: You mean articulated? Like their limbs move?
Ryan: No, I mean articulate. Jesus is a very good speaker, if you just open your heart to him.
White: You mentioned accessories earlier. What do they include?
Ryan: That depends on which version you get. Currently we have six different types: in addition to Autobot Jesus, we have Lawn Mowing Jesus, Hot Dog Vendor Jesus, Dr. Alan Grant Jesus, vanilla Jesus, and Cinderella Jesus, although the last one is basically just Barbie with a beard.
White: Is ‘vanilla’ Jesus just the plain, standard, sandals-and-robe Jesus, from the Bible?
Ryan: Excuse me, no, I meant Vanilla Ice Jesus. He comes with parachute pants, a boom box, and a lawsuit filed against him by the estate of Freddy Mercury and the other members of Queen.
White: Wow, he sounds like quite a toy!
Ryan: Sorry, ‘toy’?
White: Yeah, the Jesus action figures. It sounds like he’s going to make a great toy.
Ryan: They’re not ‘toys’. They’re Jesuses. You know, a personal Messiah, a Savior.
White: Right, but he’s just a figure, a representation of the real Jesus, who was your Messiah and Savior.
Ryan: These are real Jesuses. [knocks one on the table]
White: I know they’re real, but they’re not the real Jesus as a person, are they?
Ryan: Oh yeah! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. With one of these figures, you get your own personal Jesus. You no longer have to share with everyone else. He listens to you, and only you. Every whim – bam! – catered for. Like having a leprechaun, all to yourself!
White: Wait… seriously?
Ryan: Yeah, what did you think I was selling?
White: Wow... um, never mind. Where can I get one? Can I pay you? Right now?
[Rest of interview missing]
Mrs. White is no longer employed with Frodology, nor will she be saved by Frodo come the Frodocalypse.
In other news, look out for new Frodo action figures at your closest Toys R US!
