Frodo's Story, Part I: Life Before Deity

He is one of the world’s greatest heroes. His deeds form the foundation of his reputation as a person who does great deeds. He has inspired millions, and some say it was He who started the whole capitalization of pronouns thing when referring to supreme beings. Others say it was Jesus. Still others say it was a typo. And a few maintain Jesus was a typo and the correct spelling is ‘Jebus’. Regardless, the story of Frodo’s life before He became a deity is often misunderstood. Hear it now for the first time from his own lips – well, read it, I suppose, would be more accurate – as an F! exclusive.

It might help if you imagine you’re listening to Barbara Walters.

Growing pains

From an early age Frodo believed He was adopted. He was at least aware that he didn’t take after His father, and attempts to connect with him felt false. His ‘father’ was a carpenter, or a shoemaker, perhaps a barber, or some damn thing, and was later driven to suicide when Frodo did not love him in return. From the age of two, it was already clear Frodo would make a big impact on many people’s lives.

His relationship with His mother was not much better. He always suspected she was not a virgin, as she claimed. “Whenever I brought it up she started to panic. She made excuses, and started cleaning our hobbit hole obsessively." It was only when He realized that He was God incarnate that his childhood began to make sense. “I always felt Gandalf was trying to push the virgin thing too hard, like they all had something to hide. He said it was important for the integrity of the Faith." When asked whether this betrayal by His mother could be responsible for the diminished status of women in Frodology, He calmly responded “No. It’s because they’re evil."

Before becoming the Ring Bearer, Frodo was by His own admission a lay about. “I sort of just hung about the Shire, criticizing people for their flaws. I didn’t even try to get a real job. I’d say Bilbo tolerated me, at most. Of course, when I became God, he couldn’t be prouder, but he just wanted a piece. Everybody did." But even when Frodo was initially given the task of destroying the Ring, He was reluctant. “The Biannual Star Trek Convention was coming to town. I had my Spock costume ready. It would’ve been great. Also, Taco Bell had just launched a new spicy super burrito – full, human sized, not the tiny hobbit things they usually sell in the Shire."


"Bilbo gave foster parents a bad name"

From hobbit to hero

When asked about the quest itself, Frodo grows silent and introspective. Finally, He speaks. “Tolkien, he was a great writer, but he glossed over a lot. Peter Jackson too. Glorified some pretty messed up stuff. If they do it again, my choice would be Oliver Stone. Have you seen Platoon? Incredible." One senses that Frodo is avoiding the subject. Finally, He settles down to talk. “Initially, there was a lot of tension in the ranks. It was racism, plain and simple. The dwarf called us ‘whiny little children’. Have you seen him? Body of a dwarf, heart of a midget."

Frodo had troubled relations with Aragorn too, long considered the mission’s key leader. “He came to me one night after the campfire had died down, and told me a story about how ancient Spartan warriors were all pederasts, and how they were better fighters for it. There was definitely a loss of trust at that point." Aragorn also gave Frodo a rare edition of the Marquis de Sade’s Complete Works. “Why do I still have it? Sentimentality I guess. I’ve never read it."

Frodo is touchy when it comes to the subject of the destruction of the Ring itself. “A lot of people have said that I wanted the Ring for myself at that point, or at least that I would have given in to its powers if it hadn’t been for Samwise chucking it into the volcano." He pauses, thinking. “I’d say Sam jumped the gun a bit, I definitely would. I’m not saying he wanted it for himself, or even wanted the credit. All I know is I woke up from my coma at Elrond’s place a few days later, and Sam had already told his story. And that’s how everyone assumed it went down."

After seeing Jackson’s trilogy based on Frodo’s incredible story, much of the audience was convinced that something had happened between Frodo and his faithful manservant during the trip. “Happened? Yeah, something definitely happened. We made plans to launch a small business together, but when we got back home, we found out the funding had fallen through. Our investor told us he couldn’t see a Ben & Jerry’s franchise being profitable. But he was from Rohan, so what does he know? I hear their women mate with horses."

From hero to the Almighty

So it was a twist of fate that led Frodo away from entrepreneurship and down the path of deification. But settling back into life at home after destroying the Ring of Power wasn’t easy on Frodo. “It was then that people started to worship me. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but I began to see its uses." Often forgotten is the fact that at that point, many saw his co-adventurer Samwise as deserving of worship too. What caused Sam's fall from grace? "People saw the film and assume he got married and everything was peachy. All soft focus filters and golden hues. But he couldn't handle being a husband and a god at the same time. He was all wrapped up in his image. Then the wife starting giving him stick for neglecting the family. On top of that I think he was jealous of me. And then there were the drugs."

At that point Frodo still considered himself more of a demigod than a full on deity. “There was a lot of pressure for me to die young though. I think people wanted to idealize my memory. There was talk of crosses and unsealed tombs. It’s not for everyone though."

In the end though, Frodo did become a God. Unfortunately, we’re out of time for today, so tune in next time on F! for the next chapter in Frodo’s incredible story.

It’s called faith, stupid!

Frodology has been the unfair victim of heckles and hounding by many ‘scientists’ recently, and unfairly so. I say ‘scientists’ because, really, they’re just corrupting atheist dogs. Everyone knows you can’t have science without faith. It’s like a monkey without a hat: it just doesn’t make sense.

And what is the message of these ‘scientists’? They arrogantly say that we Frodologists are foolish for worshipping Frodo, praise Him, and there’s no ‘evidence’ of a greater ‘Frodo’ ‘pulling our strings’ and deciding our fate. They talk of atheist concepts of ‘proof’. Typical: in the middle of metaphysical discussions of such enormous import, morally debased atheists get distracted by questions of booze and its alcohol content.

They tell us that the onus is on us to prove to them there is a Frodo, praise Him, and without it they refuse to pay the membership fee. They talk of concepts of ontology, and having looked that word up in the dictionary, I can promise you that the study of birds has nothing to do with faith. Merely wily atheist diversionary tactics!

Other doubters and detractors argue Frodo’s metaphysical person cannot be extant and active in the physical world as He would require a physical form Himself. They say that He ceased to have that function when He breathed His hallowed last, expired, and returned to the soil as nothing more than carbon atoms. But how could that be, when carbon and atoms are such recent inventions? You can’t be made of carbon if you don’t know what it is, just as you can’t live a virtuous life if you haven’t been thoroughly schooled in what it is.

And still others doubt that He existed in the first place, cursed be their eternal souls! They say He is a fictional character who only made His way onto paper due to the inspired handiwork of a man named Tolkien. J. Tolkien, specifically. Well, John Tolkien. That is, John R.R. Tolkien. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. Excuse me. They argue that the Word of Frodo was only put to paper centuries after Frodo lived; that the few physical remnants of his life are not verifiably from his epoch at all and are evidence of little beyond the fact that wood existed in the era from which they do date; and that His story is eminently implausible.

The golden nugget of truth from which all Frodologists can take succor in the face of such trying (but ultimately misguided) arguments is that it is written in a book. Nay, three books. Readers are at this point invited to remember accurately that childhood lesson to believe everything they read. Frodo was and is real because a New York Times bestseller says so. It’s the same principle behind dragons. Dragons exist because there are pictures and stories of them. No one contests that. And more than that, it’s not just written in a book, but The Book. Take a moment to appreciate how Truth and Rightness are imbued and conveyed by capital letters. It’s why everyone believed Hitler: those Germans are just crazy for capitals!

But even more significantly, it’s called faith. Why does it need proving when it’s something you can just believe in? I don’t need scientists to prove to me Frodo’s existence or lack of. My faith is that special kind of super belief that escapes the terrestrial bonds of simple pretending and enters that fuzzy gray area in which things are spawned into existence by the mere supposition of their possibility. It’s a concept metaphysicians like to call Occam’s New and Improved Electric Razor, in which the truth is not manacled to the tediously tiresome simplest solution, but allowed to take flight under the soaring wings of boundless improbability.

Ergo, Frodo exists. QED.

By way of disclaimer, the author would like to note that he received special dispensation from Frodo’s Supreme Agent on Earth to discuss the above controversial issues in an open forum. Broaching such subjects without authority is heresy and just cause for excommunication. Or execution. I forget which.

Interested readers may also contact the author for more information about the Fiction for Faith Campaign, the goal of which is to get The Lord of the Rings moved from the fiction section at Barnes & Noble to the faith shelf. To make room for it in its new home and fill the corresponding empty space on the fiction shelf, the Campaign is also lobbying to get the Bible moved in the opposite direction.