A cross of mistaken identity

Ripples of alarm coursed through the Christian world today at a shocking piece of revisionist history surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus. One of religion’s most significant semi-events has been thrown into question by archeologists excavating the plains of Golgotha. It seems that the man crucified in pole position on that fateful day may not have been the Son of God.

Indeed, followers of Thinky, the atheist god, argue that Jesus was a normal mortal and there is no god for there to be a son of.

There is however another extra-disappointing reason why the executed man may not have been the Son of God. It seems, after this painfully drawn out introduction, that it was not Jesus on that cross.

The key piece of evidence in the discovery was the cross itself. Rather than stout Lebanese cedar favored by Roman crucifix-makers at the time, it was instead poorly made from disassembled Ikea children’s furniture. “There are definitely more knots in the wood than you’d expect from a Roman cross,” explained crucifix expert Dale Sands. “This wouldn’t have been comfortable at all.”

Another indication was the shape of the recovered cross. Rather than the traditional ‘+’ shape, the designer went for more of a ‘Г’ style. Experts agree that the victim was thus likely an amputee, or possibly a leper. Some have even suggested that it wasn’t even a man, but a snake bent into a right angle. Most agree this is implausible, however, since snake crucifixion did not become popular in the Levant until the third century AD.

All of this raises the pertinent question that, if Jesus wasn’t crucified, who was? Many believe it could have been Jason the Leper, an early messiah impersonator. Previously lauded for his highly believable performances, no record of Jason’s appearances can be found after the crucifixion. Researchers also point to the dip in popularity of impersonation as a career around the time, flanked on either side by the many highly popular lookalikes of Ptolemy XIII and Septimus Severus.


Jason the Impersonator is led to his death

Evidence suggests that at the time of the crucifixion of Jason the Leper, Jesus was probably stuck in traffic. Early traffic lights had to be laboriously repainted each time they changed, leading to an inexplicably inefficient system which was further complicated by a regional shortage of green paint. From anecdotal sources it appears that Jesus was gripped by a primitive bout of highly un-Christian road rage triggered by a dented bumper. It now seems likely that Jesus suffered a prolonged heart attack at the reigns of his wagon, and ironically, probably suffered a lot more this way.

Christians are however so far resisting the adoption of the bent fender as a religious symbol, holding instead that the crucifix is more aesthetically pleasing. Some critics argue though that this is perhaps not the principle purpose behind an instrument of torture.