Frodo claims the maelstrom

A series of earthquakes in the vicinity of Yellowstone National Park over the past few weeks has given geologists and unqualified, speculating laymen pause for thought, as debate abounds as to who or what is responsible. Experts are nearing consensus on the opinion that the low impact ground tremors are merely the Will of God, and have largely dispelled speculation as to a solely natural cause.

“Tectonic plate movements are frequently used by Jehovah to demonstrate his displeasure,” explained Yellowstone-based scientist, Rick Cavendish. Occurring as they did in late December and early January, the tremors are thought to have had something to do with the approaching inauguration of President Barrack Obama. Cavendish speculated that while God has been happy to have white men sit upon the throne in the United States for the past couple of centuries, He is now expressing anger at the election of a white man with a highly exaggerated suntan. “The Almighty is no fan of gamma rays,” noted Cavendish.

Scientists have been attributing a range of weather conditions to God's Will for several decades now. Explained eminent meteortheologist Gerald Spade, “we now believe avalanches convey God's infinite impatience, and lightning to be an expression of His excitement, sexual or otherwise.”

The conclusion of the meteortheological school is however far from uncontroversial. Traditional meteorologists, for example, have always held that hurricanes are a manifestation of God's anger, while lightning is merely a source of idle entertainment, not unlike playing with a Zippo, or perhaps his dong. Indeed, God has amassed so much of the Vietnamese currency that the central bank is having to issue millions of new banknotes into circulation.

In 2005, scientists nearly came to blows over Hurricane Katrina, which some attributed to the increasing popularity of sodomy, while others pointed out that gay sex rates had changed little over the preceding ever. Meanwhile, displaced residents of New Orleans were happy for the experts to decipher the meaning behind the storm before being rehoused. “Oh, I don't really mind, honey,” opined laundry owner Shaneqwa Matthews in August of that year. “We gots to know why God's making us suffer before they get us outta these army-issued cots, you know what I'm sayin'?”

(click to enlarge, unless you don't care, then screw it)

Certain meteortheological phenomenons have so far been unattributable to the On High, however, and in the lull other deities have spoken up to claim them for themselves. Norse god Odin was reportedly pleased at having secured the flurry for himself, but has since taken flak for choosing the "sissiest of the storms," according to Thor, a casual acquaintance. The Messiah Frodo on the other hand was quick to take responsibility for the maelstrom, a type of ocean whirlpool long feared by sailors and the type of hysterical cruise ship traveler that has no appreciation for how rare they are. Since it was a maelstrom that sank Captain Nemo's submarine the Nautilus at the end of Jules Verne's historical account, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, it is open to speculation whether Monsieur Verne was himself a Frodologist.

Interestingly, due to the recent reemergence of a lost poem recounting Frodo's legendary slaying of the Kraken, scholars have begun to ponder whether the maritime connection is merely a coincidence, or perhaps representative of some unknown facet of Frodological lore.

The debate continues, and witnesses of other nautical events involving the Messiah Frodo are meanwhile encouraged to report them to their local Fro'Moe without delay.