Misogyny – secretly, women like it

Everyone knows outraged feminists are just seeking attention, and who can blame them? By definition, the feminist is hideous. She is generally a frumpy creature, foul of disposition and ugly of face. Since the feminist is unable to look forward to the best part of any woman’s day – looking in the mirror and enjoying her easiness on the eye – one feels churlish if one does not sympathize.

And now for a segue. Ah, yes, here it is.

Frodology is often and unfairly the target of feminist criticism. Some take issue with our characterization of discrimination as justified and not actually discrimination at all if the woman on the receiving end deserves it. And as a woman, we can safely conclude that she does deserve it. 

Others object to the Faith’s strictures on women becoming priests, but they must understand that this policy has practical roots. The priesthood is a position of responsibility, and Faith authorities are unconvinced that women could earn the unwitting trust of choirboys as effectively as a gnarled old man.

Especially one with a charming Irish accent. They work a treat.

Even within our own lore, they say, we denigrate our women. What of Arwen, the elven princess who carries an injured Frodo to safety in her home of Rivendell? Fairly asked, but there are three crucial points to consider.

First of all, she was an elf, putting her comeliness far beyond the reaches of normal women. She is a succulent ear of corn to the pale stuff you find in cans. Second, it’s not clear her achievements much exceeded (1) riding a horse and (2) getting in the way. Third, in returning to Rivendell, historians have surmised that Arwen was still living at home, even at the age of 2833. Did she while away the hours playing Super Mario Brothers in the basement? Yes, we think so.

What, then, of the role of valiant Eowyn in slaying the Witchking of Angmar? A fair question, certainly, but as has been pointed out elsewhere, Eowyn’s chief role was not to get hit by the Witchking’s spiky iron ball while the hobbit Merry thrust a knife in his back. But more importantly, Eowyn disobeyed her King by joining the troops in battle, demonstrating that she failed at even the most basic of female skills: doing what you’re told. Were the beds making themselves at home? And if they slept in piles of straw for wont of sufficient knowhow to produce mattresses and sheets, couldn’t she have been busy inventing them?

Truly, amongst Frodologists, a degree of anti-female scorn is warranted. We wouldn’t argue that we pride ourselves on it precisely, but we do wonder how every other religion manages to treat their women with such equality and respect.

But, dear reader, worry yourself not. Frodologist theologians believe that most women actually enjoy a degree of misogyny. While many are simply grateful for the role which being the object of disdain affords them, others thoroughly relish in it. Why else would they wear the shapeless burlap sacks which we make them don when outside the house? And what could possibly explain the prevalence – or indeed the existence – of Ugg boots, but a positive zest for self-derisory accoutrement? Indeed, as footwear is often a woman’s raison d'être, one needs no greater symbol of pointed self-loathing than her eagerness to disguise her legs as those of an elephant.


Uggs: burkhas for your feet

Still, because pandering to females seems to be in vogue this century, Frodology will be adopting certain hollow promises, akin to the Christian carrot-dangling beatitudes: “blessed are the women, for they shall inherit the earth”. This should placate the agitating females amongst us, while the men rest safe in the knowledge that, on the backs of the underwhelming achievements of their female Frodologist forebears, women will be inheriting precious little.

Misogyny Meter for this article 10/10