Can I get a Witness? Or How to Talk to Atheists

It’s no secret: every Frodologist wants to be Roy Cozy. But thanks to a cosmic accident which means a body can only be inhabited by a single person at a time, and sometimes by a demon if you live in some of the more credulous areas of the Midwest, only Roy Cozy can be Roy Cozy. Today, Roy shares his secrets with you, so that you too can witness according to the Way of the Ass Tear.

 

1. Scripture. Lots and lots of scripture.

You may have read elsewhere that atheists aren’t easily swayed by scripture and that it’s an ineffective method of communicating. Chances are, if you agree with them, you haven’t quoted enough at them. Always ask yourself, “is this working? Am I getting through?” If the answer is “no,” then the solution is always more scripture.

Atheists pride themselves on their independent thinking. The only way to counter this is to quote so much scripture that your voice becomes like white noise, suppressing the urge to think at all.

 

2. More scripture

“The fool hath said in is heart, there is no Frodo”* always make an atheist stop and think, as chances are he hasn’t heard it before, or seen it on the side of a bus where he lives, a bus which he probably rides to and from work everyday, having little else to look at but other buses carrying exactly the same sign.

Since the atheist is a skeptical beast, however, always provide him with a scriptural reference, and he’ll be that much more easily tricked. Convinced. Yeah, let’s go with convinced.

 

3. Q & A

Atheists need to know that they’re sinners before they’ll accept Frodo into their lives. Some think that just because they stole something small or watched some pornography years ago and weren’t immediately smote down by an act of divine retribution, they’ll get away with it. But Frodo has a long memory, and forgets nothing. He’s also sly, like a fox. And when vengeance comes, He will bring it swiftly, like a cheetah. Or a swift.

Dear God, it's hideous!

Engage the sinner in a discussion to reveal the extent of his misdeeds.

Have you ever stolen? Then you’re a thief.

Have you ever lied? Then you’re a fraudster.

Have you ever fornicated? Good for you.

Did you enjoy it? Then you’re an adulterer.

Have you ever acted as a prepubescent teen on a pedestrian 90s TV show with no lasting cultural relevance or quirky cultish fan base? Then you’ll always be an actor. Seriously man, you’ll make it one day. People like you. Honest.

 

4. Clothe the frontal lobe

Being naked is a sin, so why do we let our brains go unclothed? If we let our frontal lobes wander uninhibited, who knows what absurd conclusions they might reach? That’s why we need to learn to circumnavigate the intellect, just like Columbus would have been remembered for had he done it to the globe, and subdue the brain’s protestations, as Magellan intended to do to the natives had he stopped en route instead of sailing all the way around the world.

There’s a neurological (science jargon for ‘fancy’) instinct that warns, among other things, “putting my hand in a blender might cause me to lose my fingers.” But instinct is a product of evolution, and anything which results from an evil process that never even happened cannot possibly be good.

Instead, you need to get your atheist speaking from the heart. Doubting Samwise is pejoratively remembered in Frodology for failing to trust Gollum, even after going on holiday together. Frodo, on the other hand, enjoined us to follow his example of trusting everyone until they give us seven or eight reasons not to. So who are you going to follow? The Messiah, or the fat guy?

 

5. Even more scripture

Now seems like as good a time as any to check whether you’re using enough scripture. Please consult this useful flowchart which you can print off and stick in your wallet next to a picture of your kids/your curiously attractive niece/that time you ditched your kids to land a 20lb. marlin off the Keys which you hoped would impress your curiously attractive niece.

Click to make tiny

 

6. Capital Letters

If they’re still not biting, you should be aware that they might start pecking around for evidence of the truth behind Frodo’s Word. Hello, what’s this? A capital ‘T’?! We wouldn’t call it Truth if it was simply the truth.

Some Frodologists like to use capitals all the time, such as in “OMFF HOW CAN ATHEISTZ B SO STOOPID?” Used properly, this technique gives you that extra edge of authority; conveys a sense of urgency; distracts readers from noticing you haven’t cited a source; and saves you extra trips to the shift key.

 

7. Dangle something from your fingers. Move it up and down. You’ll feel better as they start to nod along with you.

eah i saw dat movie it kinda sucked tho oh shit wrong window

 

8. Homosexuality

At this point, a lot of you are probably wondering “why is it called ‘The Way of the Ass Tear’?” Put simply, there’s an old Frodologist anecdote which has it that every time an atheist is saved, a donkey sheds a tear of joy. Now, onto the dangers of sodomy.

Frodo is a beneficent deity, and simple attraction to the same sex isn’t going to condemn a believer. By itself. He of course does not tolerate the premarital sex and kinky clothes that make me feel awkward and uncomfortable when I look at them, and then I start to imagine myself in them, with nipple rings and a leather thong, yeah that might work, no, no!

A useful tactic is to console your gay atheist by pointing out that Frodo hates the sin, is ambivalent about the sinner, and loves the guy trying to put moral distance between himself and the person he’s trying to convince is eternally damned. This brings me conveniently to my last point, which is that your message is Frodo’s message, and Frodo’s message is…

 

9. Love 

Through fear.

  

I trust you’ve found this guide helpful. Used effectively, the Way of the Ass Tear can turn that disbelief into undisbelief.

 

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* Please suppress the urge to thrash me with a stick at this point. You know who you are.