Friday, April 17, 2009

Can I get a Witness? Or How to Talk to Atheists

It’s no secret: every Frodologist wants to be Roy Cozy. But thanks to a cosmic accident which means a body can only be inhabited by a single person at a time, and sometimes by a demon if you live in some of the more credulous areas of the Midwest, only Roy Cozy can be Roy Cozy. Today, Roy shares his secrets with you, so that you too can witness according to the Way of the Ass Tear.

 

1. Scripture. Lots and lots of scripture.

You may have read elsewhere that atheists aren’t easily swayed by scripture and that it’s an ineffective method of communicating. Chances are, if you agree with them, you haven’t quoted enough at them. Always ask yourself, “is this working? Am I getting through?” If the answer is “no,” then the solution is always more scripture.

Atheists pride themselves on their independent thinking. The only way to counter this is to quote so much scripture that your voice becomes like white noise, suppressing the urge to think at all.

 

2. More scripture

“The fool hath said in is heart, there is no Frodo”* always make an atheist stop and think, as chances are he hasn’t heard it before, or seen it on the side of a bus where he lives, a bus which he probably rides to and from work everyday, having little else to look at but other buses carrying exactly the same sign.

Since the atheist is a skeptical beast, however, always provide him with a scriptural reference, and he’ll be that much more easily tricked. Convinced. Yeah, let’s go with convinced.

 

3. Q & A

Atheists need to know that they’re sinners before they’ll accept Frodo into their lives. Some think that just because they stole something small or watched some pornography years ago and weren’t immediately smote down by an act of divine retribution, they’ll get away with it. But Frodo has a long memory, and forgets nothing. He’s also sly, like a fox. And when vengeance comes, He will bring it swiftly, like a cheetah. Or a swift.

Dear God, it's hideous!


Engage the sinner in a discussion to reveal the extent of his misdeeds.

Have you ever stolen? Then you’re a thief.

Have you ever lied? Then you’re a fraudster.

Have you ever fornicated? Good for you.

Did you enjoy it? Then you’re an adulterer.

Have you ever acted as a prepubescent teen on a pedestrian 90s TV show with no lasting cultural relevance or quirky cultish fan base? Then you’ll always be an actor. Seriously man, you’ll make it one day. People like you. Honest.

 

4. Clothe the frontal lobe

Being naked is a sin, so why do we let our brains go unclothed? If we let our frontal lobes wander uninhibited, who knows what absurd conclusions they might reach? That’s why we need to learn to circumnavigate the intellect, just like Columbus would have been remembered for had he done it to the globe, and subdue the brain’s protestations, as Magellan intended to do to the natives had he stopped en route instead of sailing all the way around the world.

There’s a neurological (science jargon for ‘fancy’) instinct that warns, among other things, “putting my hand in a blender might cause me to lose my fingers.” But instinct is a product of evolution, and anything which results from an evil process that never even happened cannot possibly be good.

Instead, you need to get your atheist speaking from the heart. Doubting Samwise is pejoratively remembered in Frodology for failing to trust Gollum, even after going on holiday together. Frodo, on the other hand, enjoined us to follow his example of trusting everyone until they give us seven or eight reasons not to. So who are you going to follow? The Messiah, or the fat guy?

 

5. Even more scripture

Now seems like as good a time as any to check whether you’re using enough scripture. Please consult this useful flowchart which you can print off and stick in your wallet next to a picture of your kids/your curiously attractive niece/that time you ditched your kids to land a 20lb. marlin off the Keys which you hoped would impress your curiously attractive niece.


Click to make tiny

 

6. Capital Letters

If they’re still not biting, you should be aware that they might start pecking around for evidence of the truth behind Frodo’s Word. Hello, what’s this? A capital ‘T’?! We wouldn’t call it Truth if it was simply the truth.

Some Frodologists like to use capitals all the time, such as in “OMFF HOW CAN ATHEISTZ B SO STOOPID?” Used properly, this technique gives you that extra edge of authority; conveys a sense of urgency; distracts readers from noticing you haven’t cited a source; and saves you extra trips to the shift key.

 

7. Dangle something from your fingers. Move it up and down. You’ll feel better as they start to nod along with you.

eah i saw dat movie it kinda sucked tho oh shit wrong window

 

8. Homosexuality

At this point, a lot of you are probably wondering “why is it called ‘The Way of the Ass Tear’?” Put simply, there’s an old Frodologist anecdote which has it that every time an atheist is saved, a donkey sheds a tear of joy. Now, onto the dangers of sodomy.

Frodo is a beneficent deity, and simple attraction to the same sex isn’t going to condemn a believer. By itself. He of course does not tolerate the premarital sex and kinky clothes that make me feel awkward and uncomfortable when I look at them, and then I start to imagine myself in them, with nipple rings and a leather thong, yeah that might work, no, no!

A useful tactic is to console your gay atheist by pointing out that Frodo hates the sin, is ambivalent about the sinner, and loves the guy trying to put moral distance between himself and the person he’s trying to convince is eternally damned. This brings me conveniently to my last point, which is that your message is Frodo’s message, and Frodo’s message is…

 

9. Love 

Through fear.

  

I trust you’ve found this guide helpful. Used effectively, the Way of the Ass Tear can turn that disbelief into undisbelief.

 


* Please suppress the urge to thrash me with a stick at this point. You know who you are.

60 comments:

yunshui said...

You forgot 3.5: Redefine an unbeliever as someone who believes something entirely unrelated and nonsensical. Try and get this into a catchy phrase, such as, "an atheist is someone who believes armadillos lay marzipan eggs," or, "an atheist is someone who believes socks are made of ice-cream," or, "an atheist is someone who believes cabbages can dance the tango." You'll be amazed at how baffled atheists become when it's pointed out to them that they do have beliefs, just silly ones!

PersonalFailure said...

* Please suppress the urge to thrash me with a stick at this point. You know who you are.

Yes, that was me.

and we all know armadillos lay marzipan eggs. you would have to find every armadillo in the world and watch them all every second of the day for their entire lives to prove me wrong on that one.

piggymceatsalot said...

I don't know how to make this go all quotey, but....

Have you ever acted as a prepubescent teen on a pedestrian 90s TV show with no lasting cultural relevance or quirky cultish fan base? Then you’ll always be an actor. Seriously man, you’ll make it one day. People like you. Honest.ok so what I want, nay, demand! is for you to re-photoshop that creepy fox-bird-leopard thing only with Jonathan Taylor Thomas' face.

And then can you please grant me a guest post slot because I just had the best idea ever and it's about MORMONS.

Postman said...

Outstanding advice! If I could add one thing, other than "Quote scripture," it would be "Judicious use of the exclamation point!!1!"

On a more legalistic note - you may have a tussle with Gawd's lawyers over this guide, as His brand-loyalists have been following a plan that is, for all intents and purposes, identical to yours. Just a heads-up.

Dani' El said...

So you want to debate with Christians, about doctrines and scripture, but "no scripture allowed?"

Who is being the idiot?

You feel free to defend Atheism, but I insist you cannot use your God given brain to do it.

Deal?

Apparently the answer is yes.

Psa 59:6 At evening they return, They growl like a dog, And go all around the city.
Psa 59:7 Indeed, they belch with their mouth; Swords are in their lips; For they say, "Who hears?"
Psa 59:8 But You, O LORD, shall laugh at them; You shall have all the nations in derision.

Dani' El
Mirth-drubber and wielder of the sword of holy scripture.

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

"an atheist is someone who believes cabbages can dance the tango." 

This one is true, and I can prove it:

1. I am not a cabbage.
2. I cannot dance the tango.
3. Therefore, all cabbages can dance the tango.

--
Stan

FrodoSaves said...

Yunshui,

You'll be amazed at how baffled atheists become when it's pointed out to them that they do have beliefs, just silly ones!Not to mention their belief in Thinky, the atheist brain-god. I don't know why Thinky chose to reveal Himself to the world by having his Son emerge from a marzipan egg laid by an armadillo, but atheism doesn't make Sense.

------

Stan,

1. I am not a cabbage.I'm so sorry, I had no idea. When did this happen? What do the doctors say?

FrodoSaves said...

Piggy,

ok so what I want, nay, demand! is for you to re-photoshop that creepy fox-bird-leopard thing only with Jonathan Taylor Thomas' face. Unfortunately that barb was aimed at Kirk Cameron.

-----

Postman,

*Sigh* ... this isn't the first time I've tussled with Gawd's lawyers. First there was the Messiah® thing, then the Mormon's trademarked the Mission. I mean, damn, it's not like they're using these things for profit, what's the harm in sharing?

FrodoSaves said...

Mirth Drubber,

Are you seriously equating a human brain with scripture? You think those two things are equivalent?

My point was that scripture is woefully ineffective at converting anyone. For those who've clearly thought about theism and rejected it, quoting a Bible verse and threatening damnation is like promising to unleash a non-existent pit bull with no teeth. Its persuasive value is minimal.

If you actually want to discuss the meaning of scripture itself, or the historicity of the Bible, then please, fire away.

FS

Dani' El said...

//Are you seriously equating a human brain with scripture? You think those two things are equivalent?//

Yep. Both are creations of God, and both can be abused, or used according to His will.
Maybe I should pull my TAG arrow out of my quiver? lol!
I know it's your fave.

//My point was that scripture is woefully ineffective at converting anyone. Blabitty blah blah//

No one who understands Christian Theology believes that anyone is converted by anything other than the Grace of God.
He gave command as to how we are to preach the gospel, including quoting scripture, but unless He opens the ear, it is of no effect.
We sow the seed, but the increase comes from God.

1Th 2:2 But even after we had suffered before and were spitefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we were bold in our God to speak to you the gospel of God in much conflict.
1Th 2:3 For our exhortation did not come from error or uncleanness, nor was it in deceit.
1Th 2:4 But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.

1/3 of the bible is concerning prophecy, much of it to be fulfilled in the coming 2 decades.
Of course you know the 1 key prophecy that I declare is coming this year.
On that day, your eyes will be opened. Then what?

ImtheRabbit said...

"Click to make tiny"

That made me LOL... I couldn't help myself. Oh and so did the cabbage thing.

The Great Bunny says you can use any of his material, but he tells me he doubts you'd ever actually want to use it :)

Dani' El said...

Frodo, apart from my serious comment, the article is very funny, and you're photoshop skills are improving. Doesn't mean you aren't a blind fool tho'. No offense.

But back to drubbing-

In the garden, Satan began his deception of Eve by first calling the word of God into question-

Gen 3:1 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?"


Gen 3:2 And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden;
Gen 3:3 but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.' "

Then openly contradicting it-

Gen 3:4 Then the serpent said to the woman, "You will not surely die.
Gen 3:5 For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

So step one for the evangelist is to reestablish the authority of God's revealed word in the bible.
The same authority that was lost when Adam and Eve were deceived into doubting, the disobeying it.

But as I said, only those who have the ears to hear will hear it.

ImtheRabbit said...

Hey Dani, was the devil really the serpent? I’ve always wondered that since it’s not actually said. That whole story in Genesis is just so strange, it really doesn't read like the rest of the book. Like it isn't really supposed to be in it.

Sorry Frodo, don’t mean to go off topic :)

FrodoSaves said...

Rabbit,

No worries. My whole blog is off topic.

PS - "cabbage thing"?

-----

Dani/Mirth Drubber,

To be fair, Adam & Eve didn't die when they ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. So, you could argue that technically God lied to them.

The Blind Fool

(No offense taken)

ImtheRabbit said...

"1. I am not a cabbage.I'm so sorry, I had no idea. When did this happen? What do the doctors say?"

;)

Dani' El said...

//To be fair, Adam & Eve didn't die when they ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. So, you could argue that technically God lied to them.//

Really?
So you've seen them running around, healthy and happy?

So maybe I should rethink and guess that you live east of Eden?
How's the neighborhood?

Mirth-Drubber

Dani' El said...

ITR- Hey Dani, was the devil really the serpent? I’ve always wondered that since it’s not actually said. That whole story in Genesis is just so strange, it really doesn't read like the rest of the book. Like it isn't really supposed to be in it.Yeah, that was Satan.

Eze 28:13 You were in Eden, the garden of God; Every precious stone was your covering: The sardius, topaz, and diamond, Beryl, onyx, and jasper, Sapphire, turquoise, and emerald with gold. The workmanship of your timbrels and pipes Was prepared for you on the day you were created.
Eze 28:14 "You were the anointed cherub who covers; I established you; You were on the holy mountain of God; You walked back and forth in the midst of fiery stones.
Eze 28:15 You were perfect in your ways from the day you were created, Till iniquity was found in you.

Sorry Frodo, don’t mean to go off topic :)You must be new here. ;)

FrodoSaves said...

Mirth Drubber,

I just think the whole thing smacks of lawyerly ambiguity.

God: "Don't eat the fruit or you'll die"
Adam: "I ate the fruit. Why am I still alive?"
God: "I meant you'll die eventually... after 900 years or so. I'm so much smarter than you."

-----

Rabbit,

Ah, yes, the cabbage. I have an alarmingly short memory at times. It's all part of Frodo's... um, sorry I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, plan.

Dani' El said...

//I just think the whole thing smacks of lawyerly ambiguity.//

Dod God really say.......?

If Adam did not eat the forbidden fruit, he would have lived forever.

The second he ate, he began to age and his death was determined.

Adam: "Hey Frodo. I ate the fruit. And now I'm dead and buried."

FrodoSaves said...

The threat of death after living for 930 years is a poor deterrent.

"Hey Russia, you'd better not nuke us, because if you do, we'll be compelled to supply you with yogurt that's already passed it's sell-by date. You fools!"

Dani' El said...

That's after 930 years of hard labor, sons killing each other, weeding, etc.

After the cushy gig in the garden, not so nice.

FrodoSaves said...

Do you know how much you could accomplish in 930 years? Once you'd kicked the habit of hunting and gathering and steadied your hand at domesticating some crops and animals, you could start some settlements and watch them grow. Before long you'd have towns, cities, even a whole empire. You could engage in a little philosophy, put some funding into the arts, maybe even spend some time writing a mythological back story to explain why you're there doing all that stuff in the first place. Doesn't seem like such a punishment. Play your cards right and employ some liberal censorship, you could even ensure people remember you fondly rather than blaming you for every one of their earthly ailments.

Dani' El said...

Gen 3:16 To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you."
Gen 3:17 Then to Adam He said, "Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, 'You shall not eat of it': "Cursed is the ground for your sake; In toil you shall eat of it All the days of your life.
Gen 3:18 Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, And you shall eat the herb of the field.
Gen 3:19 In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread Till you return to the ground, For out of it you were taken; For dust you are, And to dust you shall return."

Adam went right to work farming straight away from leaving the Garden, but unlike the Garden, he had to contend with pests and weeds, hostile neighbors, hostile children, primitive tools, etc.

What is 930 years compared to eternity? Nothing. Zip.
You'll be lucky to get 60 years, and then the judgment, then eternity where?

Remember it when you see SF and LA in flames. You need to make a decision.
Did God really say?

FrodoSaves said...

hostile neighborsWhere did they come from?

Dani' El said...

Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren and their great, great, great, great, granchildren plus cousins, aunts, nephews and nieces, etc.
You know, over 930 yrs, with every one living long and staying relatively young and reproductive for a long time, etc.

Like you know, Canadian bunnies, eh?

FrodoSaves said...

Dismaying to hear they didn't stay close.

This is all beginning to sound suspiciously like Watership Down.

Dani' El said...

Watership down.

A British children's book.

So now I'm back to Expat Brit in Canada. No sign of any Frenchiness tho'. Thank the Lord.

Vitamin R said...

Dear God, it's hideous!Or is it the most beautiful thing there ever was?

I trust you’ve found this guide helpful. Used effectively, the Way of the Ass Tear can turn that disbelief into undisbelief.That's a kickass tag.

Stan: you aren't a cabbage, but FS may possibly be a Canadian, (according to Dani'El and ImthRabbit). Supposedly there's a difference between the two, but I don't see it.
::shrugs::

Dani' El said...

Dalhousie University, Halifax NS?

Eh Frodo? Eh? Eh?

FrodoSaves said...

Wrong!

Nice try though.

Dani' El said...

Toronto.

Maybe U of T.

And I can tell you why I think so.

Dani' El said...

OR a pretty good chace for
East Rochester, NY.

Waxed Handlebar mustache, Gin blossoms, bad teeth/tooth, age late 20's and law student.

FrodoSaves said...

What's your reasoning for Toronto?

Dani' El said...

A post you made on my blog where you attempted to watch the video and you said it was taking a long time to load.
Then I checked Google analytics and saw a lengthy page view from Toronto and E. Rochester on that day.

Do I win the prize?

FrodoSaves said...

Very sneaky.

But no, I don't live in Toronto.

Sorry!

Dani' El said...

But what aboot E Rochester?

Sneaky indeed!

Or just outside of Toronto?
Super sneaky!

I think I got ya cornered Hobbit! ;)

ImtheRabbit said...

Actually he's my next door neighbor ;)

No, but that would be funny.

The Canadian rabbits are good little bunnies. The Great Bunny says the naughty ones are all in Australia. He told me that sometimes if people are really bad, he sends them back to earth as Australian bunnies as a form of penance. Those Australian bunnies don’t have that great a life, they tend to eat all the food and starve. The holy Rabbit says he got the idea from humans when they decided to use the island as a prison.

Anna Sethe said...

Dani' El said...

But what aboot E Rochester?

Sneaky indeed!

Or just outside of Toronto?
Super sneaky!

I think I got ya cornered Hobbit! ;)
Ha! You're wrong. I know where he lives and I figured it out all by myself. Won't tell you, though...

Vitamin R said...

If we're talking Canada, my vote is for somewhere in BC. But Ontario is cool, too. Like . . . icebox ocol ;)

But so help you, FS, you'd better not be Saskatchewanian. . . .

But if you're in Rochester, that's wicked close to Kingston (in Upstate terms, anyway). I'm totally gonna get on northbound bus and stalk you, till you bribe me away with a handlebar mustache. Or enough cash to buy one.

Prepare for the property values in your neighborhood to plummet.

Dani' El said...

Frodosaves revealed!!

Vitamin R said...

No, no, no, Dani'El, this is FS!

Der.

Dani' El said...

Dashing. Too dashing.Not Zany enough.

Vitamin R said...

Meh. I picture FS as looking pretty straight-laced, handlebar mustache aside. I'm sure he can pull a great mug when necessary, but he seems like he'd be undercover zany, with a dry, even-keel delivery. More what he says than how he says it. Sort of like John Cleese.

That dude in the pic is kooky, lol. Too much so to be FS.

Dani' El said...

...he seems like he'd be undercover zany, with a dry, even-keel delivery. More what he says than how he says it. Sort of like this guy?

Vitamin R said...

Dani'El: Hmm, yes, I like the face, especially the eyes. But what about this strapping, fine fellow for the rest?

Me. Ow.

FS: I hope you're taking notes and keeping track of who will shortly be owing whom a swanky, new handlebar 'stache. . . .

Dani' El said...

Lol!

Listen VitR.
As an observant Jew, I already have a fine beard and stash, so if I win, you can have my prize.

Unless you'd rather evolve one.

Vitamin R said...

Dani'El: Evolution's already given me quite enough home-grown facial hair without gifting me more. I'll stick with the removable mustache, thanks, lol. It'll go well with my mutton chops.

FS: For color, I'd prefer a mink-brown 'stache to the obvious jet black, or blasphemous blonde.

FrodoSaves said...

All very interesting.

If I had to judge myself, I would say that I am definitely not towards the zany end of the spectrum. Although I do sometimes pull faces like that, I would say it's only representative of my appearance at most 5% of the time. So you're probably correct in your guess that any zaniness I possess would be undercover.

There's also something very unsettling about blonde facial hair.

Dani' El said...

Frodo-
Speaking of blonde facial hair, did you guys have this down ummm where you live?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9NGGCBhjtA&feature=related

White Gold has a hilarious site if you have the time.
I clearly have too much free time on my hands. sigh.

FrodoSaves said...

Dani,

That's hilarious! Thanks, I hadn't heard of them/him before.

Dani' El said...

Frodo,
It was an ad campaign for the "milk advisory board" or "Big Milk" lol.

But you've really got to work your way through the site for the whole effect.
It really is well done and very funny.

http://www.whitegoldiswhitegold.com/

Dani' El said...

Or the youtube channel is a lot easier-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2PZuPRghIk&feature=channel

Vitamin R said...

There is something unsettling about blond facial hair. Unless it's on a Viking, and they're upsetting for reasons that go well beyond facial hair.

(Speaking of milk ads, does anyone remember, from about twelve years ago, an ad for milk, in black and white, and it was scenes from a small town. A country & western style singer sang this sad ballad about a town without milk?

"I would give anything for that glass of white silk, I'm living my life, in a town without miiiiiilk."

I still remember all the words to the song. Pathetic, but I'm a sucker for a well executed ad campaign, and Milk certianly has that.

But I digress.)

No blond mustache. It'd look ridiculous on me. I could probably pull off black, or even red, but blonde? Bloody ridiculous, and I shan't hear another word on the matter.

So, FS, are you in any way related to John Cleese?

ImtheRabbit said...

The Great Bunny and I both get the hibbie jibbies from red male facial hair. Those people are WAY to pinky for our liking.

The Great Bunny has tried to get rid of male redheads but those pesky little genes are hard to get rid of completely...

And of course I only get my milk from milk chocolate.

Anna Sethe said...

The Great Bunny has tried to get rid of male redheads but those pesky little genes are hard to get rid of completely...Yeah, because they can hide behind the big black genes...

Dani' El said...

ImtheRabbit,
I've been meaning to ask, on your avatar, is Bailey yawning, or sneezing?

Allergies?

ImtheRabbit said...

I'd like to say he's screaming but no I think he was yawning, it's an old picture so I'm not sure :)

My avitar on the smrt board is animated now, I don't think blogger will let this one animate for some reason :(

ImtheRabbit said...

you know when I look at it I think maybe he was sneezing... that looks awfully wide to be a yawn.

Dani' El said...

I thought sneeze too.

I imagine that long tongue popping out like party favor at the end. lol!

No Guy in the Sky said...

Thank you for this blog. Funny stuff. I love click to make this smaller too. lol