Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Roy Cozy reviews Lem Fender’s “The Passion of the Frodo II”


A generic but widely respected, famous scientist, let’s go with Bernoulli, once probably said “atheism is a vile, disgusting abomination against common sense and its filthy practitioners ought never to benefit from my Principle which will one day allow them to fly.” Now that I got that out of my system, let’s get down to business.

Lem Fender’s The Passion of the Frodo II: Back for Mordor is getting a lot of attention from atheists who can’t stand to see Truth at their cinemas, when they’d rather be going to see people fornicating, animals evolving, and other unlikely stories made possible through special effects. But Lem Fender should actually thank those selfish apostates (whom I love), because their antics have knocked the previous number one film out of first place, a film which had been at the top of the list for the better part of two years. Think how outdated its contents must have been!

But those ungrateful atheists (whom I love dearly) could learn a thing or two from The Passion, if only they took time out of their selfishness to be more un…selfish…y. It has a pure, simple message, one of hope and faith, one that atheists could see if only they weren’t blinded by their hatred and hurtful indifference. What is that message?


This film had a maker. It didn’t just spring up out of the ground like a coke can. It was lovingly crafted by someone (who loves you), laboriously labored over with love, until it reached the cutting room and two-thirds of it were casually (but lovingly) tossed aside. Films, like alligeese and contrived examples in general, have creators too.

The most noticeable aspect of Fender’s film is the tender message of love, hope, and faith, and the inspiring vehicle of uninhibited violence he uses to deliver it. Like a French farmer hell bent on making foie gras out of his gagging victims, Fender forces this gentle story of compassion down his audience’s collective throat, their fate as sealed as the cinema’s doors. You might call this his coup de ‘gras’.

Fender simply doesn’t want his audience to forget the depth of Frodo’s love for mankind.


Moving along, - oh, no, we’re not finished with the violence yet. Squeamish audience members should understand that the violence isn’t gratuitous, it has a purpose. The greater the cruelty inflicted on Frodo in the film, the more Fender makes atheists look like heathen ingrates. It’s necessary because Fender, like me, loves atheists so much.

Some critics have questioned the historicity of Frodo’s beating. ‘Historicity’ is a funny word. Let’s move on.

Fender’s motivation for the degree of onscreen brutality is the need to properly convey the depth of Frodo’s sacrifice. “I wanted to make this movie realistic. You can’t have a realistic movie about the supernatural without B-movie levels of gore. If you have miracles on screen, you need to scale up the bloodshed too, or it’s just not realistic. You know, it’s necessary. For the realism.”

Oddly, the other notable aspect of The Passion of the Frodo II that I’ll cover in my review is the satirically convenient allegations of anti-Gondorianism. Superficially there is a degree of what crass people like to call ‘racism’, which they attribute to Fender’s dislike of his high school Gondorian classics teacher, Alfjew J. Jewenstein. But moviegoers wondering why Gondorians are portrayed as a howling, hideous mob should remember that there were no orcs around at that time to be the object of Fender’s evident disgust. It would have been nice, yes, but we can’t just make up history. Is this film anti-Gondorian? No more than Frodology is itself.

In sum, this movie will make you feel like you've been born again. And not the spiritually enlightened, fuzzy evangelical sort of born again. The filthy, visceral, placenta stuck to the bottom of your shoe kind of born again. It's nasty, but it feels so right. Only Frodo could make me feel that way.

This movie is rated R, for religious, and is required watching for all children.

Banana.

23 comments:

yunshui said...

I'm confused - there was a second Passion? Was one horrific movi- sorry, beating, not sufficient for poor Frodo?

Of course, I guess if you have yourself an indestructible, immortal god-figure on your hands, your going to want to have the pleasure of killing Him over and over again. Like a Weeble, He just keeps getting back up so you can knock him back down...

Wolverine does much the same sort of thing. I might have to start a Wolverine-based religion - with the exception of Frodo and that Jesus bloke, he's about the only person I can think of who could walk away from a crucifixion.

Dani' El said...

Roy Cozy is probably your greatest creation Frodo.
Very funny! lol!

Actually, a whole parody site for Roy would probably be a big hit, don't you think?
Really, consider it.

I like Ray and consider him to be a brother, but I've joined with others in writing him to tell him that whole battling Atheists thing is getting out of hand.
I just feel there are more qualified people, and he does damage sometimes.
Of course the success of his latest book will overshadow any criticism he gets.

On a more mirth slaying note, please allow yet another zany story.
I shared earlier how Satan tried to trick me into thinking Ray was on his payroll by setting up a false pastor, one of his own, in Hawaii when I lived there, named Ray Glory.

Around that same time in 06, Satan showed up at one of my walks on the embarcadero and praised Mel Gibson.
Gibson's new film, "Apocalypto" was coming out soon, and Satan said I should see it.
(I did not recognize him until after the conversation was over)

I had seen the Passion and thought it was pretty good, but over the top with the gore.

I was wondering what Gibson was all about, knowing about his antisemite father and his battles with the Catholic Church, when I saw Gibson on the news wearing that ridiculous Pharisee beard.

Soon after, he was arrested for drunk driving and was quoted as making antisemitic slurs to the Jewish Cop who busted him.

And then I read about Gibson's film Apocalypto. It was nearly identical to an outline that I had proposed to a play-writer friend of mine in the early 90's.

I believe that Gibson's intention in making the film was to try to drive a wedge between Israel and the church, as in the past, passion plays have been used to incite violence against the Jews.
I think it backfired on Gibson though.

Mirth-Slayer

Vitamin R said...

“atheism is a vile, disgusting abomination against common sense and its filthy practitioners ought never to benefit from my Principle which will one day allow them to fly.”

No LSD for atheists.

The Passion of the Frodo II: Back for Mordor.

Hah!

This film had a maker. It didn’t just spring up out of the ground like a coke can.

So that's where those things come from!

The greater the cruelty inflicted on Frodo in the film, the more Fender makes atheists look like heathen ingrates. It’s necessary because Fender, like me, loves atheists so much.

Indeed, he must. Very few gods would go through all that just to keep me amused for an afternoon. I feel quite humbled.

Superficially there is a degree of what crass people like to call ‘racism’, which they attribute to Fender’s dislike of his high school Gondorian classics teacher, Alfjew J. Jewenstein.

You mean that nice Presbyterian fella?

In sum, this movie will make you feel like you've been born again. And not the spiritually enlightened, fuzzy evangelical sort of born again. The filthy, visceral, placenta stuck to the bottom of your shoe kind of born again. It's nasty, but it feels so right. Only Frodo could make me feel that way.

This movie is rated R, for religious, and is required watching for all children.

Banana.


::applauds slowly, at first, then wildly::

The gore in PotC (hah! Shares initials with Pirates of the Carribean!) was outstanding. I enjoyed it in the same vein I enjoyed My Bloody 3D Valentine, and the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I love to see annoying characters die horribly.

Other than the gore though, the movie was evenly paced, and the chick that played Satan was smokin. She reminded me of the blue chick in Farscape. The atmosphere was suitably creepy, too. Coulda done without the jew-bashing, but I got my money's worth on the gore (though nothing can top the per-gallon volume of fake blood in Evil Dead) and hot-ass!Satan. . . .

I think Wolverine would make an awful god. A) he's Canadian, B) he's too plain-spoken and common sensical, and C) except for Apocalypse, the only Marvel with real god-ability is Magneto.

Quasar said...

I think Wolverine would make an awful god. A) he's Canadian,

Ah, but Hugh Jackman is Australian. What about a Hugh religon? I mean, We've already got a Mel religon, a Tom religon and presumably a Chuck religon (which mostly involves round-house kicking other religons and making incredibly stupid comments).

piggymceatsalot said...

Are alligeese on display at Ray Cosy's Evolution of Museum? Y'know, for the Wow Factor?

FrodoSaves said...

yunshui,

I'm confused - there was a second Passion? Was one horrific movi- sorry, beating, not sufficient for poor Frodo?

The first Passion of the Frodo was about his love of organic vegetables. It was a bit patchy...

Wolverine does much the same sort of thing. I might have to start a Wolverine-based religion - with the exception of Frodo and that Jesus bloke, he's about the only person I can think of who could walk away from a crucifixion.

And maybe the T-1000.

-----

Dani/Mirth Drubber,

Thanks! Did you like the cartoon? I was pleased with how it looks quite like those done by whichever gifted Crayola-wielding Michaelangelo draws the ones on Ray's blog. Imagine what a parody site devoted to Roy Cozy would do for Ray's ego though. He doesn't need any assistance, and in that respect I think it's for the best that the Raytractors moved on.

Gibson's a bit of a tool. His films come across like propaganda centuries too late, full of violence and bloodshed, but remarkably dry on historical accuracy. Plus he's something of a bigot.

-----

VitR/Your Awesomeness,

The Passion of the Frodo II: Back for Mordor.

Hah!


Now I know the joy George Lucas felt when he came up with names like "Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith".

I love to see annoying characters die horribly.

One reason why I eventually stopped watching Scooby Doo. It just wasn't delivering, and that cast needed thinning out.

-----

Quasar,

How anyone could worship Hugh Jackman after that broadway show bullshit he did at the Oscars is beyond me. It made me want to vomit. A lot.

piggymceatsalot said...

P.S.

This reeeeally sums up the creationist intellect:

Re. their gift shop offerings:

"Who can resist a bright shiny coin?"

Um, I can. I can resist bullshit lies and fairy tales, too. Just sayin'.

Oh dear.

Dani' El said...

Lol!
Dude, the cartoon went right over my head!
I knew it looked familiar, but I couldn't place it.
I need to spend more time lurking Ray's....nah.
That got old long ago.
And of course you're right.
A Roy Cozy site would definitely violate the Whateverman Doctrine.

Are you aware of Gibson's bizarre battle with the Vatican?
How he built a Catholic Church with his own money in Malibu where they defiantly do mass in Latin. etc?
I was not joking when I said that Satan had a word of praise for Gibson, and how God exposed him soon after. It makes it very safe to conclude that Gibson is a tool in more ways than one.

Those were Gibson's own hands driving the nails in that scene in the Passion, and I believe he was making a statement and not in a way that many have concluded.
I truly believe that the over the top violence in the Passion was porn for Gibson, and his lord Satan.
I kid a lot. In this I am being dead serious.

(Well, the mirth is near drubbed.
Let's see if I can cruelly revive it.)

Now I know the joy George Lucas felt when he came up with names like "Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith".

Is that kind of like Bowie's, "Glass Spiders" or "Tin Machine"?
What an idiot he turned out to be.
I was truly heartbroken when Stevie Ray Vaughn played for "Let's Dance".
It killed 2 birds with one stone as I was huge fan of both before that album.

BTW Frodo-
You really are hitting your stride with this blog.
If you aren't writing professionally somehow, you are clearly wasting your Frodo given talents.

I don't know. I have this terrible image of you working as a temp somewheres, or a public school teacher. When the economy finally comes down......!!?

Mirth Drubber.

FrodoSaves said...

Dani,

Yeah, "Let's Dance" was something of a make or break moment for SRV. I believe he broke through into the mainstream by doing it, but that's not really saying much for his talent. To be honest, I was never really a fan of him, but I do appreciate his skill and how people could be, if that makes any sense. I think it might have been his guitar tone. I'm not a lover of clean Strats.

Anyway thanks for the compliments. I'm neither a temp nor a public school teacher, so fear not ;)

FS

Dani' El said...

Frodo, well I think Jimmy Vaughn was known more for a clean tone, but Stevie Ray would mix it up quite a bit, esp when channeling Hendrix.

I don't know if you've ever seen the video "Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble - Live at the El Macambo 1983"
but it is mind bending.

Here's a taste of Stevie Ray going Sonic! from that video.

I have more to say on the way Stevie Ray died, and it's ties to Eric Clapton etc, but that belongs on Codewords blog. Gnome sane?

So not a temp worker, or PS teacher, umm social worker?

So far, I'm guessing Canadian as well. No offense. ;)

Vitamin R said...

FS: I've never been able to sit through either of the Scooby Doo films. The cast totally needs thinning out, and I think Matthew Lillard's eerie chemistry with the CGI dog is . . . icky.

Quasar: Though Hugh may not be Canadian, Logan is. That's all that matters. It simply makes him ineligible for godhood. Australians? Also ineligible, but for different reasons.

Dani'El: I don't picture FS as "working", but as a PhD student working on his thesis or whatever. I'm thinking either Literature, or Medieval Weaponry, as a focus.

And he often sips from a snifter of brandy, while he writes this blog in a wood-paneled drawing room. He has a handlebar mustache. It may or may not be fake.

Also, I don't think he's Canadian. A) because I said so, B) he doesn't say "aboot", and 3) no excessive U's in words like neighbor or savior.

Also, I haven't heard him mention Molson or Labatt even once.

Dani' El said...

VitR- Keen observations there.

I was thinking maybe Frodo was a bit older, due to his musical tastes, the small faces etc,. but that's not a surety.

I'm sure he is in the commonwealth, having mentioned living in England once, and "Waving the ad hom card" instead of "Flag" as a Yank would say.

He also has made statements on politics in Florida for example that would suggest Canada by proximity.

But then I also consider the LOTR fixation could speak to New Zealand. Hmmm.

I think he's more Gin and tonic than brandy, so I'm still thinking Expat brit in Canada, which would explain the absence of Canookisms.

Still, lit student is a good guess.
Handlebar? maybe.
Bad teeth. Guaranteed. ;)

ImtheRabbit said...

VitR: 3) no excessive U's in words like neighbor or savior.

The funny thing about this statement is I am Canadian but also American so as a kind of patriotic gesture I always used the American spellings ;)

Vitamin R said...

Dani'El:I was thinking maybe Frodo was a bit older, due to his musical tastes, the small faces etc,. but that's not a surety.

I had him pegged for younger. Oh, sure, he seems all mature and worldly, but he's just not bitter/angry enough to be older than twenty-five. (Sorry, FS, but you've shown your hand! You poor naif!

Or perhaps it's all a ruse. . . .

Confound you!)

I'm sure he is in the commonwealth, having mentioned living in England once, and "Waving the ad hom card" instead of "Flag" as a Yank would say.

A slip, maybe? Mixing metaphors? "Waving the -- flag" or "playing the -- card" I've heard both used in the US. Can't say I've ever heard UK types use the latter, though.

He also has made statements on politics in Florida for example that would suggest Canada by proximity.

How so?

But then I also consider the LOTR fixation could speak to New Zealand. Hmmm.

Could be . . . but he doesn't give off that NZ vibe. Also, still no excessive U's.

I think he's more Gin and tonic than brandy, so I'm still thinking Expat brit in Canada, which would explain the absence of Canookisms.

Yeah . . . the gin and tonic makes more sense than brandy. And his humor's very dry and witty. He could be weeding out those extra U's to throw us off the trail.

Still, lit student is a good guess.

It'd be cool if he turned out to be ninja. Then again, I think that about everyone. But yeah, he's a dab hand at dissecting a story.

Handlebar? maybe.

I think it's a certainty. Waxed, and everything :D

Bad teeth. Guaranteed. ;)

Harsh!

ImtheRabbit: The funny thing about this statement is I am Canadian but also American

You're a ringer trying to infiltrate the American interwebz!

so as a kind of patriotic gesture I always used the American spellings ;

I always wondered why the US dropped the extra U's. Was it a conscious effort on someone's part, or did our version of English just evolve all crappy on its own?

And I still don't know why the US pronounces Z like "zee" instead of like "zed". I may like "zee" it better ("zed" is a name, not a letter) but the US is the only place that does it.

Is Canada really gonzo about the metric system?

Dani' El said...

VitR- I'm starting to think Frodo is younger my own self due to the obvious gaming references.

There's not really enough Americanisms for me to think he's a student in the US, but I guess it's possible.

He's got some pretty stupid liberal leftists idiotic dumb dumb poopy opinions straight outta Canada, but not the way out there moronicisms of the American University system

He's a mystery man for sure, but I'm gonna have to wait to find out.
I'm out for a couple weeks.

It's been fun.
Don't go dying and end up in hell.

Shalom,
Dani' El

piggymceatsalot said...

No way Canadian - they beat humour out of you there, leaving only fart & hockey jokes.

No. I thought German or Dutch born. Expensive Swiss education. Jeremy Clarkson's snarkier European brother. Mid-40's. Salt & pepper. Not gin but expensive euro brew. Perhaps has a close but devout relative who ruins his life daily. Long-time partner but no kids. Definitely no kids, you'd eat them wouldn't you FS?

Who's winning?

Vitamin R said...

Dani'El: He's got some pretty stupid liberal leftists idiotic dumb dumb poopy opinions straight outta Canada

Hey! Let's not go calling people's opinions Canadian without some damned good proof! There are lines we simply do not cross in polite discourse, Dani'El.

But safe journey, wherever you roam. And even if I croak in the meantime, I have no intention of continuing to exist in an imaginary place--Hell, least of all.

Now, if you were maybe talking about the Mines of Moria, in its heyday. I mean, there were roaring fires, malt beer--and red meat off the bone. . . .

I could do some post-croak existing there, yessir.

piggymceatsalot: Maybe there's something to the German/Dutch thing. I hate to say it, but he seems more well-rounded than the average American. The un-average American, too.

And definitely no kids, I agree.

I totally think I'm winning. Didja see the bit about the mustache?

FrodoSaves said...

I'd just like to say that I am thoroughly enjoying this. If I played World of Warcraft I would definitely be giving my cultivated alter ego a handlebar mustache right about now. Waxed like a 40s RAF pilot. Oh yeah, that's nice.

Anyway, I think you're probably enjoying this too, so I'm not going to comment on or correct any of your (mis?)apprehensions for the time being ;)

Maybe I'll give a prize out to the winner. Maybe I'm using the future tense to make you think you haven't already cracked it. Hmm!

Dani - have an enjoyable couple of weeks doing whatever it is that you do when you're not doing that thing you do. And now that song will be stuck in my head for days. Great. Also, FL politics? Refresh my memory...

VitR - touchy aren't we? Where did Canada touch you as a child? If Dani's disappearance sees our departure from this world, I shall see you in Moria! PS - bring Raid in case there's still an orc problem.

ImtheRabbit said...

Is Canada really gonzo about the metric system?

Yes it is, I'm pretty good with inches and feet, but I have no idea what the heck Fahrenheit is LOL

As for the pronouncing of the letter Z, I prefer American once again, it's Zee not freakin Zed, there is no 'ed' attached to the letter Z :P and when you sing the alphabet song, it sounds better, not to mention saying a word like Zebra.

CodewordConduit said...

Mmmmmmm '40s pilot waxed moustache.

I was born in the wrong era.

Vitamin R said...

FS: I sure hope I don't have my asthma in the Moria afterlife, cuz Raid'll do me in again, if the Orcs don't :/

And haha! I love Canada! I certainly don't think the US should annex both it and Mexico as a buffer between us, and the ravening hordes of penguins and chupacobras (chupacobri?) out for our blood!

Ah-ha-ha. . . .

When I won (and we both know I already have) can my prize be a fake handlebar mustache?

ImthRabbit: Fahrenheit is the awesomeness that makes Celsius poop its pants in terror. Simple as that.

And how dare you Northern usurpers steal our alphabet song?

Jeebus help you all if you let Celine Dion or Bryan Adams sing it. . . .

(BTO, however, is okay.)

FrodoSaves said...

VitR,

Good point. We wouldn't want to Raid anywhere that's unventilated. Maybe we could gas the elves out of Lothlorien?

You can have a fake handlebar mustache if you win.

I agree. Fahrenheit totally rocks Celsius' socks. That would have sounded better had 'Celsius' been only one syllable, or perhaps two. Well it definitely rocks Kelvin's socks, and they're pretty much the same thing. Anyhoo, I appreciate the finer gradations in temperature that the F scale gives you. Plus it's a simple matter of subtracting 32 and multiplying by 5/9 and BAM - you've got Celsius. Easy peasy, Japanesey.

And we're agreed on BTO. 'Not Fragile'. Awesome song.

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