Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Curious Case of Kenneth Ham

The Creation Museum in Kentucky announced with alarm this morning the disappearance of its president, Kenneth Ham. It is unknown where Mr. Ham has gone, or indeed when he was last seen, as colleagues report that an imposter had been coming into work for at least several weeks. Museum employees admit that the subterfuge should not have been so surprising, as Mr. Ham was only growing more apelike in both appearance and rhetoric as the months passed, and the imposter was later revealed to be a middle aged chimpanzee. 

Mr. Ham is one of few humans on the planet not to have evolved from apes, being instead a descendant of the only species created entirely through poetic license and metaphor. The case of Mr. Ham is accordingly a stunning example of convergent evolution, demonstrating successive transformations from H. sapiens to H. ignoramus and finally to costumed Planet of the Apes cast member.


Finding Mr. Ham has been complicated by his goofy 19th Century beard and the amateur Photoshop skills used on his missing person poster


Coworkers became suspicious of the chimpanzee during its email correspondence with biologist PZ Myers and participation in a debate hosted by the BBC. The highly proficient primate set alarm bells ringing when both friends and museum staff began to notice an apparent improvement in Mr. Ham’s coherence. 

Wife Marilyn was stricken with grief at the news of Mr. Ham’s evolution, lamenting “I had no idea he was so sick.”

Initially friends suspected that Mr. Ham had been eaten by one of the museum’s animatronic dinosaurs, which they warn are “very much true to life.” Fears were allayed however when cooler heads noted that the museum is only home to a Tyrannosaurus and other herbivores.

Mr. Ham has long been a divisive figure in Christianity. His founding several years ago of the Answers in Genesis ministry caused controversy when his literalist followers took the name to mean that the rest of the Bible was superfluous. The brief flirtation represented the greatest degree of accord ever achieved with local atheists, before the misconception was lovingly (but violently) corrected.

Many young Earth creationists are unlikely to thank him for evolving into another species, or indeed failing include a hyphen between ‘young’ and ‘Earth’, a careless mistake which could easily lead to witless detractors desperate for jokes capitalizing on the ambiguity by poking fun at the creationist’s own lack of youth.

As investigators still struggle to solve this puzzle, local residents can only wonder whether, like everything else, the answer will turn up in Genesis.


Everything else

38 comments:

PersonalFailure said...

LOL!

Eternal Critic said...

It was all funny, but i particularly appreciated the comment about Hamm's goofy beard.

BeamStalk said...

Great as always Frodo.

I have often said that for a guy who rails on about how we are not descended from a common ancestor with the other great apes, he is the most chimp looking person I have ever seen. If there really is a God, Ken Ham is his practical joke to creationists.

Dani' El said...

Gen 6:10 And Noah begot three sons: Shem, Ham, and Curly.

Dan +†+ said...

I sure like the beard in that picture more then the original "human" one he sports. Regression is an improvement?

Be sure to send Ken a link to the blog. I am sure he will get a smile out of that one.

FrodoSaves said...

Dan of many crosses,

Regression? You and your evolutionary ladder misconceptions. I'll scratch around for his email address and then we can judge how holy his sense of humor is.

-----

Thanks all! The resemblance to an ape is uncanny.

I'm surprised no one caught the gay lion couple though.

Dani' El said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dani' El said...

Since when does 3 count as many?

His name is-
El Danno Tres Cruses

Shalom,
Dani' El Kabong

(Gay Lions? There must be a pun in there somewhere.)

FrodoSaves said...

Ok, Dan of one cross and two addition symbols.

Aslan and Simba are thinking of moving to Iowa together. Hadn't you heard?

BeamStalk said...

Damn Frodo nice one I didn't even notice the lions both had manes in the picture until you said something.

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

I'm surprised no one caught the gay lion couple though.Touché -- but now I also notice the Canadian rabbits...

--
Stan

Dani' El said...

How far is Iowa from the Yellowstone Caldera?

sunnyskeptic said...

Riding on dinosaurs is great, don't knock it until you've tried it! :)

Dani' El said...

Eze 19:6 He roved among the lions, And became a young lion; He learned to catch prey; He devoured men.

I'll be in my cave, chastening myself for that last one.

FrodoSaves said...

It's all in the details.

If anyone can guess the reason why the cardboard dinosaur is called Billy, I'll give you a metaphorical prize.

-----

Dani - was that a gay joke?? You've just gasted by flabber.

Dani' El said...

Franchesca?

Dani' El said...

Jdg 14:18 So the men of the city said to him on the seventh day before the sun went down: "What is sweeter than honey? And what is stronger than a lion?" And he said to them: "If you had not plowed with my heifer, You would not have solved my riddle!"

{87I>

Dani' El said...

Frodis

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Would that be William Cody Bateman?

He seems to be the right sort of character...

--
Stan

piggymceatsalot said...

Just to clarify, it's ok for the lions to be gay as long as they don't poke each other in the poo hole, right? That is the official church stance, yes?

So they'll be ok to board the ark but will receive twin beds?

Frodo, please advise.

Dan +†+ said...

Dani'El

In reference to the hilarious Frodis clip. Did mickey say he had a pea shooter or a pee shooter? There is a difference you know.

I also notice the Frodis room was a psychedelic smoke filled room. Does that mean when people frequent the Frodology blog they get a contact high?

Dani' El said...

Dan, are you old enough to remember the Monkees?

You know what it means to me?
They were legitimizing drug use for kids in the 60's.

Like HR puffinstuff, lidsville, etc.

For sure those who frequent this blog will get a contact something, more likely a cold sore. ;)

The mirth is hereby drubbed!

Dan +†+ said...

Everyone that goes to lidsville really flips their lid. I know I did.

I was too innocent and young when the Monkeys were around. (born in '68') I remember my sister having a crush on Peter Tork though.

When my flower child Mom took me to see "Tommy" in the theaters I remember it being too loud and I lost my mind in terror when I saw the Acid Queen with those snakes. I flipped out and cried until she took me to see the Apple Dumpling Gang. I think I was only 6-7 at the time.

Dani' El said...

Peter Tork is yet another musician who sold his soul to Satan.In real life, he fried his brain on acid with Jimi Hendrix.

Dani' El said...

Dan, I remember when Tommy came out my lil brother and I were stoked as we were big Who fans at the time, and Tommy was the first movie to use Dolby Stereo in theatres.

It was loud, and I think the Song Remains the Same came out soon after.

Acid Queen to Apple Dumpling must have scarred you enough to fall into blind atheism for a long time.
Poor kid.

I had some friends down south with a band called, "Lidsville".
They were actually pretty good but I cannot find any trace of them on teh innerwebz.

FrodoSaves said...

Piggy,

All animals suspected of homosexuality received hammocks on the ark. Can you imagine how difficult doggy style is in a hammock? Plus the idea was that they'd look so ridiculous, swinging back and forth with manes asunder, that they'd be shamed out of their gayness.

-----

Dan & Dani,

"Pinball Wizard" remains one of the greatest songs ever written, and I love the accelerating riff in "We're Not Gonna Take It" / "See Me, Feel Me". Much better than Quadrophenia in my humble opinion.

-----

So no one knows why the dinosaur's called Billy?

*Hint* Intimate knowledge of The Simpsons is a must...

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

All animals suspected of homosexuality received hammocks on the ark. Can you imagine how difficult doggy style is in a hammock? Plus the idea was that they'd look so ridiculous, swinging back and forth with manes asunder, that they'd be shamed out of their gayness. 

Look, I'm with you here, but in the above you're just being silly.

First of all, gay lions don't call it "doggy style," they call it "liony style," or sometimes "Mr. Velvet and the Mane gang."

Secondly, hammocks?! Everybody knows that gay lions would meow very loudly and obnoxiously -- but would politely cease and merely pout if asked -- if they were subjected to such a thing. They prefer Queen beds...

Lastly, none of this is especially relevant anyway, since everybody knows that quadrupeds couldn't mount a hammock without opposable thumbs.

Frodo's accounts are inerrant and perfect without making up anything crazy like having the Queens of the Kings of the Jungle accepting a freaking hammock.

Sheesh.

--
Stan

ImtheRabbit said...

hmmm the Simpsons... Billy... no nothing's coming to mind.

Why was it said the rabbits were Canadian? Oh wait, I see the 'eh?' now :P

Does that mean you’re Canadian Frodo? (I can only wish eh?)

FrodoSaves said...

Does that mean you’re Canadian Frodo? (I can only wish eh?) You'd like that, eh?

It's from the episode where Skinner loses his job as principal and starts writing a book called Billy and the Cloneasaurus, which is for all intents and purposes identical to Jurassic Park.

-----

Stan,

Clearly your knowledge on the sleeping habits of lions is suspect as you call their species "kings of the jungle," when everybody knows they live in zoos.

Nor would they need to mount a hammock, as they could merely be pushed through a whole in the floor with a hammock suspended beneath it. I'm not in the business of what the queerosexuals prefer. I'm only interested in what they deserve.

FrodoSaves

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

My past associations with gay lions is no one's business but my own, the pride of lions who took turns violating me, the rhinoceros who sharpened his horn inside me between lions, the herd of elephants who covered me with their feces while the lions violated me, the blind zookeper who filmed the whole thing, and the unnamed former senator from Idaho who financed it. Anyone who brings up my experience testing the usefulness of elephant ejaculate as a facial cleanser, or my former obsession with constipated giraffes and their most effective laxatives, is undoubtedly guilty of the tu quoque fallacy, and should be under suspicion of being a cabbage, which is disgusting.

Seriously -- any contact with a cabbage at all is sickening. People who would do such a thing are perverted.

--
Stan

FrodoSaves said...

Easy on the ad cabbagem. You think you can just slander Nature's most disgusting vegetable without repercussion? She will smite thee with the slimiest, palest, blandest, and just generally most useless cabbage leaf yet to whither on this Earth. That's not just a repercussion, that's a reapercussion.

Furthermore, I doubt the veracity of your tale. First, it's widely know that lions are a monoorgiastic species, meaning that they only copulate en masse with a single species at a time. The violation you describe would have ended up like the director's cut to The Lion King. Too much gore even for Disney. Second, it's also common knowledge that African elephants are nervous pooers. Unless you meant Asian elephants, but their small ears make them suboptimal for the animal porn industry. Any former senator from Idaho worth his salt knows that.

Dani' El said...

Disgusting hortisexuals!

Vitamin R said...

“very much true to life.”That's my new catchphrase and:

Fears were allayed however when cooler heads noted that the museum is only home to a Tyrannosaurus and other herbivores.Yeah, thank goodness for research, right? Jeebus didn't give them brains so they could squander them, and mislabel Tyrannosauruses (Tyrannosauri?) as carnivores, or Scientologists!

Billy oughtta get along real well in the Garden of Eden. There's plenty of fruit, and leaves and vegetables to eat. . . .

And one of those gay lions? Is part pig, because he's sniffing after that giraffe right in front of hubby!But yes, lions are pretty gay.

Stan: Cabbage is evil, but the lettuce is your friend.

ImtheRabbit: Stop trying to make FS Canadian! He's not one of your ilk! English, I'll accept, or even Dutch, if I have to, but Canadian? NEVER!

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Okay, so I was going to post a FrodoSaves-esque photosh... err... a still from the scene in question...

...and result #20 of the Google image search (safe search "off") for "lion pride" was this (warning -- explicit animal animation...).

I think the whole collection tells my story very well, but this one embodies the way I felt after the ordeal was over...

I accept your apology.

--
Stan

FrodoSaves said...

Stan,

Only because you're a dues-paying Frodologist member will I refrain from accusing you of having that site already bookmarked. That you've subsequently bookmarked it is no concern of mine.

Anyway, the obvious depth of your convictions, as illustrated by your willingness to relive the ordeal through Google image search, speaks to the truth of your word. I accept your lion rape story. Gay lion rape story. I apologize for doubting you.

Incidentally, I think we now know the sordid history behind the art of PJ Grasping/JP Holding. CC must be told.

Anonymous said...

i'm gonna make my own journal

Anonymous said...

You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view