Saturday, April 11, 2009

Is Heaven Sinking?

Conservative America is gripped with fear following the release of a scientific report which declares that Heaven seems to be gradually losing altitude. Though liberals have denounced the claim as ‘fanciful’ and likely just a right wing conspiracy, Democrat Senate majority leaders came together to assure the nation they would treat the matter with earnest circumspection, concluding to their Republican colleagues with a unanimous ‘how you like me now, bitch?’

The chief cause of the problem seems to be the increasing proportion of fat people in Heaven. It used to be that fatties would go to Hell for their gluttony, but these days scientists warn that they’re all either just big boned or suffering from glandular problems. Consequently, it’s really not their fault, and they deserve to be rewarded for the unfortunate circumstances which have given them a whole range of health problems, from chronic lethargy to epic denial.

Government leaders are split as to the best recourse. When questioned by reporters, one official commented ‘ew, fat people.’ Still, it’s clear that they will have to ask tough questions in order to stop Heaven from its earthward course, and preventing fat people from going there might be a necessary measure. For example, if we ban leopard print, will obesity just go away by itself, or will we drive the problem underground? Can’t we just pawn the problem off on our children’s generation? Or ship the fatties to Canada? Please?

Are you sure? Canada?

In any case, it seems that the Obama administration’s policy of systematically executing America’s fatties has certainly backfired. As an alternative to bailing out the fast food industry, the Simmons-Fonda Act rightly received overwhelming support, and cases of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease were remarkably kept to a minimum. But the government must face the fact that further increasing Heaven’s mass jeopardizes its future, an eventuality which would make centuries of state-sponsored desecularization efforts all for nothing. Right wing news sources report that Obama is nevertheless reticent about changing course, and have fueled rumors that the government always culls the obese in batches of seventy-two.

Meanwhile, Heaven still has minimal support and weak foundations, a situation which hasn’t improved over the years despite the best efforts of fervent believers and their dead counterparts. If Heaven continues to sink, scientists warn that it will eventually end up on the planet’s surface, meaning that people will no longer go anywhere when they die.

Heaven’s architect has already been sent to Hell for His negligence in the construction phase, a banishment which answers the age old question ‘can you still sin in Heaven’ with a definitive ‘if you really fuck up.’ Insiders speculate however that this was not the damned architect’s first mistake.

Though the market certainly isn’t right, it seems that unless the problem improves Heaven will have to be sold. Keen observers worldwide are already taking note by amending the golden rule of real estate from ‘location, location, location,’ to the much snappier ‘no fat chicks.’



Artist’s rendering of proposed solution

14 comments:

Dani' El said...

Gen 27:28 Therefore may God give you Of the dew of heaven, Of the fatness of the earth, plenty of grain and wine, a twinkie and a Tab, manna and a Lipitor.

ImtheRabbit said...

As your cartoon illustrates, you've left the Great Bunnyto deal with the fatties of the earth. Is that really fair of you Frodo?

Then again, after they die and are sent to the Great Plains of Sweet Clover that is the afterlife, they will eventually lose weight due to the steady diet of greens being offered. They will, of course, have to be kept separate from the bunnies, lest they try to eated them.

FrodoSaves said...

Now Hostess is a devil I can believe in.

PS - Dani, did you see Phil Spector was convicted?

-----

Rabbit,

Well surely if he's a great bunny, he'll do a great job, non? I used to have a rabbit, but whatever it was I fed her made her pretty large. It might have been the pellets. Keep a note of it.

piggymceatsalot said...

If leopard print is banned, there are far worse alternatives already lining the shelves. Horizontal stripes?

Dani' El said...

//PS - Dani, did you see Phil Spector was convicted?//

Yeah I did.
A convicted celebrity in LA?!
The end is near!!!

Vitamin R said...

It used to be that fatties would go to Hell for their gluttony, but these days scientists warn that they’re all either just big boned or suffering from glandular problems.ROTFLMAO--but dude, where in Canada? The big-boned in general haven't done anything bad enough to warrant being sent to Sakatchewan!

Especially since, once they've gone native, they'll team up with America's oldest, and deadliest rivals (the Saskatchewanians), and lay the smackdown on us. Starting with the Dakotas!

I think we should stick with the executions, if that's the case. Better dead than Saskatchewanian.

ImtheRabbit: Maybe the Great Bunny could sort of . . . give the fat guy a piggyback up to Heaven? I mean, he is Great, and all. Even the lamest mutants get some kinda enhanced strength.

FrodoSaves said...

The Dakotas are what political scientists call a 'buffer zone'. Plus, by the time they've eaten their way through North Dakota, they'll be completely dismayed to find another, better Dakota waiting for them. Still, if that's too close to home for you, I'm sure we could find them a place on Baffin Island. After all, the Inuits have been running low on food supplies.

Dani' El said...

Baffin Islands?

Ok, now I'm back to Canada, mystery man!
Studying intl law.
Waxed handlebar mustache, gin and tonic, bad teeth.

FrodoSaves said...

As far as I know it's just one Baffin Island. But maybe a Canadian could correct me? :P

And my teeth are fine thank you. Both of them.

Vitamin R said...

So, it's not bad enough Native Americans have totally gotten boned over the centuries, but now we drop-ship them fatty Soylent Green?

You're heartless, dude. Just like a Canadian. . . .

ImtheRabbit said...

Sorry I didn't see this earlier :)

"ImtheRabbit: Maybe the Great Bunny could sort of . . . give the fat guy a piggyback up to Heaven? I mean, he is Great, and all. Even the lamest mutants get some kinda enhanced strength"

The Great Bunny says he'd be happy to but he doesn't want to go anywhere near that heaven place, they're all crazy up there.

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