Ten Ways to Stay Pure with Frodo

This inspiring piece of applied theology was written in a flurry of literary genius by the always thoughtful CodewordConduit. Her blog, Reflections of the Damned, is a lively place for engaging debate between thinkers of all stripes and, I've recently discovered, nothing to do with beavers.

By Frodo Sexologist Dr CWC FRhd  

We all know that Frodo Saves. But did you know that “Frodo Saves” actually means “Frodo thinks it’s great when someone Saves themselves for marriage”? (“A Ring Worth Waiting For - a Frodological exegesis of the Gnostic volumes” 1997 edition – Dr CWC et al.)

The Dark Lord Sauron actually grows a little bit taller whenever anybody has sex outside of marriage (sex outside of marriage = every orgasm achieved by a man, and every sinful, seductive behaviour of a woman that leads a man to behave impurely – women, of course are incapable of having orgasms). Just imagine, if he grew tall enough he could see you without his magical eye - and make scarves out of clouds. This is why he created the One Ring – as a way of scaring people out of marriage. After all, as Middle Earth tradition has it, all wedding rings must be found in river beds or dark caves but never made. His devious plan was to hide the One Ring in such a manner that nobody would be sure whether their wedding day would be completely destroyed by the arrival of Ringwraiths and ensuing bloodshed and slaughter.

We now know that Frodo actually destroyed the One Ring (via the impossibility of the contrary), but as the Dark Lord can never be fully destroyed we must be ever watchful. Reports have been coming in of an unidentified, invisible, magical Lord (who cannot be named for legal reasons) terrorizing a school full of pubescent wizards and witches, somewhere secret in England. If we believe these claims (which we should, because we have no evidence whatsoever that the events described never happened) then we must be ever vigilant in curtailing our premarital sexual desires. At the moment it is estimated that he is probably the size of the smallest seed in the world – I’m talking about the mustard seed of course.

As an expert sexologist I have compiled a list of activities that may help to diminish your libido in times of temptation. They are aimed specifically at men, because women cannot change their inherent sinfulness; which is why they should wear their potato sack with eye-slit at all times – and never do or say anything that hasn’t been commanded by their husband or a male relative. If a woman breaks this one and only rule then she must, by law, become an Entwife and spend the rest of her days having sex with talking tree creatures, until she is cast into the wilderness to be forgotten. So it is written. You may be wondering why I, as a woman, can dispense this advice. The answer is incredibly simple, I am a post-op transsexual.

Instead of thinking lustful thoughts, try out these activities:

1)      List every time that your parents broke a promise to you.

2)      Make a tiny boat for an imaginary mouse using household items.

3)      Alphabetize your shoes.

4)      Draw a picture of a house that you might like to live in someday.

5)      Ask a grandparent to tell you what they could buy for a dollar when they were young.

6)      Make a list of American words that have different British counterparts.

7)      Think about hurtful lies that you have told.

8)      Challenge a buddy to a game of “Guess Which Former Soviet State I’m Thinking About”

9)      Imagine that you are on Death Row and are about to have your last meal. What would you choose and why?

10)  Spend the afternoon wearing a blindfold and tasting various different colas.                   Make a little scoring chart and show it to your friends.

That’s all for now Frodo Fans. Stay pure and Frodo Be With You!

The Guide to Frodo-Sanctioned Sexuality

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And that's when it came off in my hand...

Sex week continues with this post by a notable follower of Thinky, the atheist brain-god . Yunshui, of Right to Think, is an excellent writter with a keen wit. Irreverent, sharp observations about religion (in its many obscure forms) are accompanied with book reviews and periodic updates of the always-hilarious World's Most Accurate Horoscope. 

It’s a commonly held point of view amongst Frodologists that the hand of Frodo is evident in the amazing and intricate designs found in Nature. As we look at the world around us, can we do other than marvel at the architect whose genius wrought such beautiful things as butterflies and sheep? Some would point to the guineaworm, the tsetse fly or that little fish that swims up your piss as evidence of malice in Frodo’s plans, but they can be easily discounted as early test models, or maybe aberrations caused by too many heavy nights at the Green Dragon. Or maybe Frodo just hates Africa. It is quite hot there, after all.

The most obvious way in which Frodo’s ineffable goodness is demonstrated in the world is the invention of sex, surely the best thing two people can do together without any specialised equipment. It can also be the best thing they can do together with specialised equipment, or even unspecialised equipment and a good imagination. One has to wonder what humanity did to procreate before Frodo introduced the concept of a damn good boinking (within the confines of holy matrimony, of course). I imagine we reproduced by budding, in a similar way to Ash in Army Of Darkness. This could have caused no end of complicated paternity suits, since everyone would have been an exact genetic clone of everyone else. Legal chaos would have ensued – how would inheritance taxation have worked, for example? In His wisdom, Frodo intervened by introducing the idea of bumping uglies to make babies, and since then life has been sweet, at least for the male of the species.

Problems occur when hobbits try to mate with Big People, and thus Frodo shows us that such activities are designed to be performed only by man and wife (or dog and cat). Devotees of Thinky might point out that the pleasures of intercourse in fact encourage such extra-marital Hobbit/Human relations, but the joys of ejaculation are (when not twisted by atheists) actually intended only to hasten the marriage process. After all, once you discover that getting your rocks off is probably the most ass-kicking thing you can do with your time, you’re going to want it on tap, right?

Thus, the intense, sticky bliss of orgasm serves as proof of both Frodo’s divine design (although hanging the nuts on the outside may have been an oversight) and the sanctity of marriage. Praise be to Frodo!

Now where did I put my wife?

Dear Margaret, it's me, God

Sex Week kicks off with a post by Christians Scare the Bejesus Out of Me, a long time reader who is understandably frightened of Christians.

39 years ago, 12-year old Margaret Simon wrote a very public letter to God. In fact, it became a best-selling book. Annoyed that she felt herself more important than a mortal who might pray quietly for her wretched adolescent problems, God is only now getting around to his response.

Dear Margaret,

It's me God. 1970 it was that you wrote to me. I thought a bit of the cold shoulder would straighten you out, all those pre-pubescent sex-crazed tendencies and whatnot. Vile. Anyway, I plain forgot about you. Used to be that I'd catch up on my correspondence of an evening. I had some rather delightful embossed stationary, very pretty, and it was an absolute riot to send churlish missives here and there. Then I got cable and this network called Showtime came with it, you see. Calamitous great fun, that! Those saucy Tudors up to no good and that devilish handsome Duchovny chap.

So with Showtime, heathens to smote and contraceptives to keep out of Africa, time just runs away. Anyway, that nice black man has a Blackberry so I decided to scrap the stationary and get with the program. It's uncanny this iPhone, ever so usable.

Where were we. Ah yes, 1970. For a little lightning-round of catch-up:

1. As you're now aware, I'm a jealous God. You were, in chapters, meddling with a Jewish Yahweh of sorts. How dare you dabble!
   
2. On to the bra stuffing, you little whore. Trying to "sex yourself up," were you? Your breasts were on their way. I had planned to finish off yet another mortal masterpiece with your boobs in good measure. Since you thought you knew better, I swapped the purchase order. DD-cups for Margaret Simon. They didn't really "work" with your figure, did they? Couldn't run five feet with those, could you? And they're pretty fucking saggy now, aren't they? Patience was a virtue you lacked. It was disappointing.
   
3. Your period? You wrote to me about your period? That's disgusting, we men don't want to know. Then you did get it and you decided you didn't want it. A little consistency, woman. So what did you do? You started taking a blasphemous pill, every day before bed.
   

It was beginning to look at little "three strikes, you're out," Margaret. This before we've even addressed what you did once in bed (whore!) and under the bleachers the following summer (13? Seriously?).... Oh, you vexed me through those pre-teen years, Margaret.

Covered some ground, didn't you, with those Wright Marx Kennedy Righteous Smothers Blues Baldwin Esteves/Sheen Oasis Lawrence Hanson Jonas brothers?

Anyway, the above should illuminate why I made you choose a life of me-worship. "I heard God calling," you told everyone and you were right! I was ringing to say, "get the fuck over here, it's pay back time." So, Sister Margaret, today you're a struggling teacher to 100 coked-out Catholic school girls. Are we even?

It's tiresome work, isn't it, dealing with teenage girls? They're just so horny. You were such a head ache I thought you might like the perspective. Every painted nail should signal to you the devil's growing hold of your youthful charges. Wait 'til those little sluts get pregnant. You'll be down there flapping about with that ill-fitting habit and I'll be up here having a right giggle fit. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Must dash, Californication's on.
The "Big Man" on Campus

Mormons and the Utahraptor

Recent scientific discussion about the possibility of cloning a woolly mammoth has set imaginations alight, but the joyous possibility of throwing caution to the wind by tinkering with the genomes of extinct species is not placating everyone’s fears.

Some groups are understandably concerned about the ethics of bringing back creatures that were killed off in their entirety, either by nature, or the violent floodwaters of a vengeful God - so, again, nature. Others, like mathematician Ian Malcolm of Jurassic Park fame, are primarily worried about the consequences of reintroducing a foreign species into the global ecosystem, and secondarily keen to note that the lack of italics means that it’s a real place.

Mormons, predictably out of sync with the rest of society, are however worried about the implications should dinosaurs return for a second round on Earth. Indeed, as it turns out, one in particular - Utahraptor ostrommaysi – features prominently in Mormon lore, and they have no wish to see it return. 

The Utahraptor, thought to have first been discovered in 1991 in the Cedar Mountains of Utah, was heralded as a great find by the scientific community. Scientists quickly became aware of its awesome ferocity after it stole the italics of the novel it featured in while refusing to become a work of fiction in return. Its classification was welcomed as filling a void in evolutionary theory between the turkey-like scariness of Velociraptor and the holy-fucking-shit-is-that-thing-real scariness of the aptly named Giganotosaurus.

According to their own endearing historical opinions, however, Mormons believe that Utahraptors were extant in the American West when they first settled the area in the 19^th Century. While this might strike some readers as laughable, one imagines that the threat becomes much more credible as one’s gullibility approaches the Mormon threshold.

It's science!

Rather than merely being amused bystanders like the rest of us as the Mormons went about setting up their fun new religion, Utahraptors were frequently openly antagonistic, to the point of nearly eating the whole lot. Apparently, early Mormons were so unwitting that they frequently did not realize they were being hunted and preyed upon. Scientists now believe that the Utahraptor was especially good at leading its quarry into a false sense of security, often toying with them and giving them false hopes of imminent salvation, before brutally finishing them off. On one occasion, a Utahraptor was even convicted of bank fraud – ok, maybe that's far enough with the allegory.

What killed off the Utahraptor remains unclear. In any case, Salt Lake City is dizzy with fear at the prospect of its return. A worried resident voiced her concerns to Frodology that “if just a single scientist prays for the raptor’s resurrection, we’re screwed.” Affirming that this is indeed how science works, she added “I got learned about it at school.”

It's history!

A conversion guide for Christians

Christianity has long been a jumping off point for those who want to explore other, more alternative faiths. Like the way you might prepare for a trip to Vegas by going to Reno, and a trip to Hell by going Vegas, many Christians are only on their way to another religion. 

See that guy in the back with his smarmy grin and moist palms? Future Scientologist. And the gullible one reading Genesis like it's a newspaper? A Mormon, just passing through. And the rest of the congregation? Eagerly anticipating the trip to Heaven. In any case, it’s clear that Frodology is on the up and up, and Christianity is furnishing the Faith with its greatest source of converts.

But how easy is it to convert? After reading this handy little guide, you’ll see that it’s as easy as pie! Wait… what? 

Telling your family and friends

Most would-be Frodologists are chiefly worried about telling their bigoted loved ones of their conversion, for fear of rejection, disownment, or worse still, being prayed for. If this is applies to you, well don’t worry too much, because they’re all going to Hell anyway!

I’m joking of course – actually I’m not – but seriously, breaking the news to your family can be difficult, which is why, above all, I urge you to be tactical and practical. A little T&P. A teepee, if you have trouble remembering it. Some of you are probably expecting a racist joke right about now. That’s because racism is funny. Where was I?

Oh yes, breaking the news. Many new converts have reported great success with diversionary tactics. Perhaps the following mock conversation between new Frodology convert Ben and his Christian Dad will inspire you:

Ben: Christian Dad, I have something to tell you…

Dad: What is it, Christian son?

Ben: Well, I’m not a Christian anymore.

Dad: What?! Are you rejecting the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?!!

Ben: Um, no, no. I’m kidding, I just wanted to see how you’d react. I’m actually gay.

Dad: What?! That’s much worse! You little sodomite, I’ll beat it out of you, so help me God!

Ben: No, please, put your cane down! I’m joking again! Actually I was serious the first time. I’m no longer a Christian.

Dad: Oh, well that’s not so bad, so long as you’re not a queer.

Ben: I knew you’d understand. I really am gay though.

What should I do with my Bible?

While this may not have occurred while you were still a Christian, it’s probably now safe to read it. Most new converts have a hard time believing what it actually contains: slavery, infanticide, and plenty of good, old fashioned misogyny. If it wasn’t for all the dreary moralizing and lack of a believable protagonist, it might even give The Lord of the Rings a run for its money.

Once you’ve finished it, feel free to give it away to charity, because as we all know, what the poor need is another hollow-promise substitute for their ballooning income disparity and growing pack of ratty children. Before you do pass it on, make sure to have a bit of fun by adding your own Biblical books. Try the following for inspiration:

The Book of Truisms, 7:13

“And the LORD sayeth, ‘as two wrongs maketh not a right, thou shalt make love, not war, for verily sharing is caring. For the fool fights fire with fire, and laments in his heart, I have been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me’.”

Crustaceans, 5:17

“And He went forth amongst the people of Crustacea, and He remarked to them ‘what spindly legs thou hast, and what skill at scuttling sideways.’ And the people responded ‘all the better to run from thee, O Lord!’”

Fermentations, 2:4

“God saw the foamy head, and declared that it was good. For God so loved the world, He gave unto them His only begotten ale. And He told the people, ‘go forth and be wasted’.”

Can I still be good?

Many Christians are understandably worried that by losing their connection to God, they’ll become immoral drifters in a world gone awry. It’s important to remember however that as a Christian, you were never really ‘good’ anyway. Had you actually read your Bible, you would have discovered that the God you worshiped so dearly held you in the highest contempt. His exacting standard is such that, while you might have scraped by in society without committing any crimes, you weren’t about to get into Heaven without an anabolic amount of prayer.

So rather than still being good, you might be pleased to find out that you can finally be good.

Do I still have to let Uncle Bobby touch me?

That depends on the reason for the touching. If your molestation has a secular cause, such as Uncle Bobby being habitually drunk, retarded, or from Alabama (i.e. both), then your conversion will not affect it, and you're going to have to let the touching continue. If, however, Uncle Bobby is an ordained religious official, then you're in luck! Once you become a Frodologist, you no longer have to tolerate it to preserve the integrity of your former religion. 

Special advice for Catholics

If you’re a Catholic, we understand that you will find it hard to live a guiltless life, and we don’t recommend going cold turkey. We offer a series of seminars to help you through the transition, providing a weekly fix of guilt until you can be weaned off it entirely. New Frodologist convert Wendy Flynn had this to say: 

“My favorite part was reenacting communion, where everyone gets up to receive the bread and wine. Then the seminar leader, who plays the priest, lays into everybody in a cold fury to make us all feel guilty for receiving salvation. He kept yelling ‘You tink the Laard likes giving himself up every week so you twits can keep up yer sinning?’ It was just like being a Catholic again, it felt so good! “

Why are you exploiting me and my soul for comedic effect?

Don't worry, it's not real.

So if you're a Christian on your way to another faith, you might as well make the journey count. That's why we're proud to welcome back into the fold the best-selling author of Escaping Frodology, whose revised 2nd edition will be completed with all the glee of mandatory contractual fulfilment she can muster. As thrilled as she is to be reunited with her children, we bet she's even happier to know her soul is in good hands!

Next week is Sex Week - Guest authors!

Dear reader,

We at Frodology have belatedly learned that sex sells. I say 'belatedly' because, unfortunately, Valentine's Day has come and gone, just like the thousands of men who successfully took advantage of lonely, aging women on Saturday night. I also say 'belatedly' because it sounds kind of like 'retardedly', which is thoroughly amusing.

Moving along. Next week at Frodology will be Sex Week, and we have a series of exciting, sexy articles coming your way. Since sex isn't something you usually do alone, Frodology is running with this theme and sending out a general invitation for guest authors who want to try their hand at proselytzing for Frodo.

It is thus with great pride that we announce that CodewordConduit of Reflections of the Damned (I think it has something to do with beavers, but frankly it's totally over my head) has already taken up the baton and will be making an appearance here next week. We are giddily excited to see what she comes up with.

Who else wants to bring the Word of Frodo to the heathen?

Yours expectantly,

FrodoSaves

PS - hang around long enough and you might even discover the secret behind why lonely cult leaders feel the perpetual need to talk in the first person plural!