Friday, February 27, 2009

Ten Ways to Stay Pure with Frodo

This inspiring piece of applied theology was written in a flurry of literary genius by the always thoughtful CodewordConduit. Her blog, Reflections of the Damned, is a lively place for engaging debate between thinkers of all stripes and, I've recently discovered, nothing to do with beavers.

By Frodo Sexologist Dr CWC FRhd  

We all know that Frodo Saves. But did you know that “Frodo Saves” actually means “Frodo thinks it’s great when someone Saves themselves for marriage”? (“A Ring Worth Waiting For - a Frodological exegesis of the Gnostic volumes” 1997 edition – Dr CWC et al.)

The Dark Lord Sauron actually grows a little bit taller whenever anybody has sex outside of marriage (sex outside of marriage = every orgasm achieved by a man, and every sinful, seductive behaviour of a woman that leads a man to behave impurely – women, of course are incapable of having orgasms). Just imagine, if he grew tall enough he could see you without his magical eye - and make scarves out of clouds. This is why he created the One Ring – as a way of scaring people out of marriage. After all, as Middle Earth tradition has it, all wedding rings must be found in river beds or dark caves but never made. His devious plan was to hide the One Ring in such a manner that nobody would be sure whether their wedding day would be completely destroyed by the arrival of Ringwraiths and ensuing bloodshed and slaughter.

We now know that Frodo actually destroyed the One Ring (via the impossibility of the contrary), but as the Dark Lord can never be fully destroyed we must be ever watchful. Reports have been coming in of an unidentified, invisible, magical Lord (who cannot be named for legal reasons) terrorizing a school full of pubescent wizards and witches, somewhere secret in England. If we believe these claims (which we should, because we have no evidence whatsoever that the events described never happened) then we must be ever vigilant in curtailing our premarital sexual desires. At the moment it is estimated that he is probably the size of the smallest seed in the world – I’m talking about the mustard seed of course.

As an expert sexologist I have compiled a list of activities that may help to diminish your libido in times of temptation. They are aimed specifically at men, because women cannot change their inherent sinfulness; which is why they should wear their potato sack with eye-slit at all times – and never do or say anything that hasn’t been commanded by their husband or a male relative. If a woman breaks this one and only rule then she must, by law, become an Entwife and spend the rest of her days having sex with talking tree creatures, until she is cast into the wilderness to be forgotten. So it is written. You may be wondering why I, as a woman, can dispense this advice. The answer is incredibly simple, I am a post-op transsexual.

Instead of thinking lustful thoughts, try out these activities:

1)      List every time that your parents broke a promise to you.

2)      Make a tiny boat for an imaginary mouse using household items.

3)      Alphabetize your shoes.

4)      Draw a picture of a house that you might like to live in someday.

5)      Ask a grandparent to tell you what they could buy for a dollar when they were young.

6)      Make a list of American words that have different British counterparts.

7)      Think about hurtful lies that you have told.

8)      Challenge a buddy to a game of “Guess Which Former Soviet State I’m Thinking About”

9)      Imagine that you are on Death Row and are about to have your last meal. What would you choose and why?

10)  Spend the afternoon wearing a blindfold and tasting various different colas.                   Make a little scoring chart and show it to your friends.


That’s all for now Frodo Fans. Stay pure and Frodo Be With You!

19 comments:

PhillyChief said...

#3 only works for the ladies. Men generally don't have that many shoes, so this would be too short of a distraction.

Filliam said...

Codeword; wonderful list! I'm printing out copies for distribution in high schools. Apart from keeping them pure, the activities also teach them to get in touch with their heritage, organize their belongings, and plan for their futures. Add the intellectual games for a bit of danger, and you've got a brand new "spin the bottle"!

Imaginary mice everywhere thank you.

CodewordConduit said...

@ Philly Chief -

Not if you try to remember every pair of shoes that you've ever owned, and then mentally alphabetize them!

CodewordConduit said...

@ Filliam

So glad to be of service - as you can see, the Way of Frodo is a much more illuminating highway than the sordid path of no-strings sex.

Look at all of the intellectual benefits that come from giving your genitalia the afternoon off.

Except for having a wee, which you must still do.

Unless urinating is something which you personally consider sexual - in which case a catheter is advisable.

Whateverman said...

Genius!

Cross posted at Debunking Atheists, for the sheer geniusery.

Vitamin R said...

6) Make a list of American words that have different British counterparts.

My favorite word to compare is actually a letter. "Z" (zee), in American. But in Britishese, it's pronounced "Zed" (zed), which makes it a word. And a proper name--well, maybe not proper in Britishland, but--

Anyway. Lustful thoughts? Held successfully at bay! Thanks, Dr. CWC, FRhd!

FrodoSaves said...

Very enjoyable CC. Clearly you have been paying keen attention to the Word of Frodo. He looks forward to your next appearance!

Anonymous said...

http://www.fragrance-direct.info/ Discounted mens fragrance reviews 80ml online best Gieffeffe 1.5ml visa Purchase Mariel Hemmingway 60ml biggest discounts Shop for Old Spice 2.7 FL OZ biggest discounts Purchase Clean Sweet Layer 50ml paypal Sale of Cuba Sparkling Zebra 25ml samples Sale of Clinique 3 FL OZ 90ml diners club Discounted eternity perfume 1.7 FL OZ for less Get Harajuku Lovers Music 5ml free gifts cheapest Caution 1.7 FL OZ compare prices Shop for Secret Crush 75ml visa Purchase perfume for men 2.7 FL OZ reviews Where to buy Grain De Folie 0.17 FL OZ reviews Discounted Premier Figuier Extreme 1 FL OZ free gifts cheap dolce gabbana mens cologne 0.8 FL OZ gift sets cheapest Time For Energy 3.4 US FL OZ samples Sale of hair fragrance 96.60ml amex wholesale Le Parfum 2.7 FL OZ reviews best Flore 3.4 UK FL OZ bonus Discounted best perfumes 2008 0.8 FL OZ visa

[b]Get the best deals on Mens and Womens Perfumes.[/b]
[url=http://cloakedlink.com/nsayuwazuf]
[img]http://fragrance-direct.info/bigarrow.gif[/img]

http://cloakedlink.com/nsayuwazuf <== VISIT THIS SITE TODAY (Up to[u] 80% Discount[/u] on select items)
[/url]



[size=1] IGNORE THIS----------------------------
[url=http://lucasbuckley157.vox.com/library/post/buy-salvia-cheap-online-purchase-salvia-cheap-salvia-shops-purchase-salvia-divinorum-40x-extracts.html] Buy Salvia Divinorum Cheap Online [/url]
[url=http://sites.google.com/site/buysalviacheaponline/buy-salvia-cheap-online-purchase-salvia-cheap-salvia-shops-purchase-salvia-divinorum-40x-extracts] Buy Salvia Extract Inexpensive Online [/url]
[url=http://wheretobuysalvi.livejournal.com/463.html]Purchase Salvia Extracts Cheap Online [/url]
[url=http://buysalviacheap3.blogspot.com/2010/01/buy-salvia-cheap-online-purchase-salvia.html]Order Salvia Extract Cheap Online [/url]

Colorado teeth whitening doncaster for free tooth wehitening beverly hills california teeth whitening [url=http://teethwhiteningstripsreviews.info] teeth whiteners strip review[/url] teeth wh8tening Broxtowe grand Swift Current Newark ratings newark new jersey teeth whitening Georgia refills Europe tips teeth whitening methods teeth whitening west midlands whitening for teeth jersey city new jersey teeth whitening

[url=http://guaranteedheightincrease.info/]height increase[/url] - http://guaranteedheightincrease.info/

[url=http://provenpenisenlargement.info/]proven penis lengthening[/url] - http://provenpenisenlargement.info/

[url=http://provenskincareadvice.info/]skin care techniques[/url] - http://provenskincareadvice.info/

[url=http://getrichgambling.info/]get money gambling[/url] - http://getrichgambling.info/

[url=http://herpesoutbreak-gentalwarts.info/]herpes outbreak[/url] - http://herpesoutbreak-gentalwarts.info/

[url=http://STOP-PREMATURE-EJACULATION-SOLUTIONS.INFO]cure premature ejaculation[/url] - http://STOP-PREMATURE-EJACULATION-SOLUTIONS.INFO

[url=http://3GMOBILEPHONESFORSALE.INFO]3g mobile phones on sale[/url] - http://3GMOBILEPHONESFORSALE.INFO

[url=http://internationaloddities.reviewsdiscountsonline.com] international oddities scams[/url]

[url=http://drobuds.reviewsdiscountsonline.com]dro bud reviews [/url]

Anonymous said...

Howdy

I just joined this sweet site. Lots of people have added so many good things here. I would also like to add up some thing for this community. I would like to share some [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips]quick weight loss tips[/url]. If you need to know how to lose 10 lbs in a calendar week, you are probably not looking for a basic diet and work out plan. You can lose weight with a standard diet and exercise plan, Still this demands a lot of time doing intensive cardio practises and sticking to a strict diet. Here I will draft the exact steps that I took to lose 10 pounds in just a workweek.

1. Stay away from all fried nutrients for the week
2. Drink an 8oz glass of Citrus paradisi with breakfast every day. (this speeds up up your metabolism)
3. Consume reasonable portions (stop eating when you are full)
4. If you are eating 3 large a meals a day, eat 5-6 smaller meals to keep your metabolism up and keep your body burning fat.
5. Aviod your habbit of eating after 9 P.M.. When you eat that late your body does not burn off the calories.
6. Proper sleep is necessary everyday.. Not getting plenty rest causes been verified to be a major element to the body putting up excess fat.
7. Utilise a body/colon clean for the 7 days. This will get rid of needless fat stored close to the tummy area as well as cleanse your body of harmfull pollutants that makes you store fat and feel tired. Flush away excess pounds around the stomach area that otherwise would be hard to lose.
8. I reccomend you using Acai Berry Diet Pills. This one is proven to work, and you can get a free trial.
9. For those individuals who need to burn fat quickly, avoid intoxicant.
10[url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips].[/url] A low GI diet is an brilliant method of burning fat quickly.

Thanks![url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com].[/url]!

Anonymous said...

looking for the purpose ed drugs? [url=http://www.cahv.org]buy viagra online [/url]and charge out of sprung shipping at http://www.cahv.org . another good place to [url=http://www.kiosknews.org]buy viagra online[/url] is www.kiosknews.org .

Anonymous said...

It's so easy to choose high quality [url=http://www.euroreplicawatches.com/]replica watches[/url] online: [url=http://www.euroreplicawatches.com/mens-swiss-watches-rolex/]Rolex replica[/url], [url=http://www.euroreplicawatches.com/mens-swiss-watches-breitling/]Breitling replica[/url], Chanel replica or any other watch from the widest variety of models and brands.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.webjam.com/buyreductilonline] Buy reductil online
http://www.webjam.com/buyreductilonline

Anonymous said...

Exceptional site!

Almost everyone needs to get insurance at one time or another, whether it is
auto insurance, life insurance, health insurance, or homeowners insurance.
These days it is easier than ever to find complimentary insurance quotations from several
businesses in order to find the best deal. You can also learn how to redeem
a lot of money in free gasoline when you acquire your insurance price quotations.

[url=http://freeinsurancequoteshq.com]Insurance price quotes[/url]
http://freeinsurancequoteshq.com

[url=http://familytreesoftware.org/family-history-software/]Family history software[/url]

http://familytreesoftware.org/

Anonymous said...

thanks for adding me to the forum[url=http://djmcozo.dj.funpic.de/index.php?action=profile;u=854
].[/url]

Anonymous said...

imitrex indian pharmacyphentermine overnight usa pharmacy online

[url=http://www.bebo.com/buylevitraonline1]dreampharmaceuticals buy levitra online[/url]

Anonymous said...

I was looking for Girls Tees and was wondering if Rvca is the best designer for Girls Tees?

Anonymous said...

It's been quite a long time, since the New York based escort girls have been in the scene and they have been catering A1 escort services to clients of all types.
Be it at morning 9 a.m. or midnight 23 a.m., escorts 24 x 7 services let you get the hottest stuff on earth the moment you want, they way you want!
Payment for your girl can be done online instantly. So, you should not have any sort of issue regarding anything.
You can easily book the Bijou and she will always arrive at the right time at a designated place. Even a very short notice can do the job for you. Complete satisfaction is guaranteed, both in mental and physical terms. If you want to hang out with a simple and adorable girl, you will get it. On the other hand, if you want to go out with a girl this is also perfectly possible. You don't have to worry about privacy matters because there are no doubts about the professional integrity of New York independent escort. Before introducing them to the clients, all the credentials of Bijou are properly checked.
[url=http://bijouescorts.com]Long Island Escort[/url] A New York escort agency's website also allows you book your favorite girl at just a matter of few clicks. While making the booking, you need to specify whether you would be seeking for incall or outcall service. For outcall services, you may also need to mention your address where you want her service. Regarding the privacy and confidentiality of this, you need to be completely worry-free. As a service enjoyer, you just need to concentrate on your game. The rest will be all yours, all tempting!

In order to avail a New York based escort girl's service you need not cut any big hole in your pocket. Just at a few pounds, you can bring the most exotic escort girl right to your living room without any hassles.
http://bijouescorts.com These New York escorts are infact, a huge fascination for the men clientele. However, there are also an assortment of pleasant bisexuals who are compatible for women seeking physical comfort and satisfaction. The agencies providing escort ladies have girls in their gallery from all races of life. New York escorts have been recognized popularly for their astonishing ability to indulge intensely with their clients and take them to the realm of Pleasure.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://astore.amazon.com/colemanroadtripgrill08-20] coleman roadtrip grill
http://astore.amazon.com/colemanroadtripgrill08-20

Anonymous said...

Do you think the best way to get the cheapest plane tickets is by calling the airline? Or, do you scan through hundreds of websites provided by search engines to find low airfare tickets? Maybe you hope to find cheap airfare in the local newspaper's travel section.
Finding cheap airline tickets can be one of the most frustrating experiences that most of us learn very quickly. Of course, most people eventually give up after spending hours scanning websites that offer virtually the same flight schedules and pricing. People purchase what they believe is the cheapest plane ticket, only to find their neighbor paid just a third of what they did!

Unless you understand the concept of of how airlines set prices, all the searching in the world won't provide the cheapest airline ticket prices. The following information will give you a guide to follow, as you wander through the maze searching for cheap airfare.

Understand how prices are set by airlines! Air ticket pricing is complex and unpredictable, and driven by competition, demand, and inventory. Airlines call this "yield management."

Competition is the beast behind the cheapest plane tickets. All major airlines utilize central reservation systems (owned by various airlines) to fill available seats. The systems are known as Apollo, Sabre, WorldSpan and Galileo. Prices are based on demand, and if some flights are selling well, the price will increase. If the flight is unpopular and has very little demand, the fare is lowered in hope of attracting consumers. In short, fares and inventory change every minute of every day!

Finding the cheapest plane tickets is difficult because travel agents and Internet websites use the central reservation systems that are updated periodically throughout the day. The reason why different searches come up with different results is because the systems are not updated at the same times. And, each system may use different algorithms when searching for low airfare tickets, which can provide a variety of ticket prices .

[url=http://airticketstipsandtricks.blogspot.com]Tips and tricks for cheap air tickets[/url]