Sunday, February 1, 2009

Theocracy, not Theocrazy

Secularism. A word designed by secularists, for secularists. A word intended to conjure visions of noble men in silk stockings, and the civil equality their valiant slaves will one day enjoy only two hundred years later. But what is good about a system that imprisons its leaders in marble while still alive and turns them into public monuments?

Proponents of a separate church and state often give us the impression that it’s an unequivocal good. Yet as we know that the only absolute good is Frodo Himself, how can anything else be? Accordingly, we can conclude that the separation of church and state must have its faults, and since it’s widely touted by atheists, those deceitful worshipers of the brain-god Thinky, we can expect its failings to beguile us and couch themselves in the language of the common good.

The most obvious problem with secularism is that it’s a relatively young, upstart theory, and as such it has yet to earn our trust. Theocracies on the other hand have been around for centuries, and the nations that gave birth to them are more or less still in one piece: Byzantium, for example, is much of modern Turkey.

Similarly, based on such rigid, unbending, unchanging, and unprogressive dogma, theocracies are guaranteed to be politically stable. If fornication was immoral one thousand years ago, chances are it still is! This ensures that the nation’s laws are easier to learn, and guarantees a longer shelf life for guidebooks. 

Popularity is generally a good indication of the suitability of political systems, and theocracies were wildly popular with people of all stripes long before they were given such trivial things as the vote, free speech, and the resulting ability to indicate otherwise. In addition, Sweden and Finland are some of the most secular states on the planet, yet they get pitifully little sunlight during the winter. The correlation is certainly suggestive!


These are also suggestive. Words are fun.


Critics of theocratic rule note that they can be troubled by competing religious and state jurisdictions. More like double the justice, I say! Studies also indicate that civil servants work more effectively when threatened with eternal damnation as opposed to a negative quarterly performance review.

Easily convinced of the benefits of theocracy, as I’m sure you are by now, I would next like to submit that Frodo is the Messiah to take the reigns of power. Though critics argue his arms are too short for the job, Jesus’ are almost certainly too dead for the job. In addition, Frodo is widely known to have been a cunning statesman, inspiring many to study his political panache. Indeed, Otto von Bismarck is thought to have been a Frodologist.

"No civilization other than that which is Christian, is worth seeking or possessing."

Well that’s clearly the wrong quote. Regardless, we must recognize that if it is the state that gives us our rights, it can easily take them away. But if we get our rights from Frodo, we are safe in the knowledge that they are subject to the strict interpretation of unelected religious officials. Who always have our best interests in mind. Did I neglect to mention that? And under theocratic rule, our enemies and members of other faiths never get rights in the first place. Remember, it’s only persecution if you hear about it!

So, dear reader, next time you’re stirred unwelcome from your apathy and asked to vote, choose the option that will ensure you never need set foot in a claustrophobic voting booth again.

10 comments:

Dani' El said...

Seems like I'm playing you like a violin, Frodo. Where would you be without me? ;-)

There is a worldwide theocracy already in place.

Joh 12:31 Now is the judgment of this world; now the ruler of this world will be cast out.

Satanism is openly taught and enforced in the schools, churches, mosques, temples, etc.
It is well disguised as science, christianity, islam, frodology, thinkyism, etc. but it is all straight from the mind of Satan.

As is your crude drawing.
DWD again?

There is a true church, but you won't see it on TV. They meet in secret in basements or in the jungle, but they are there and growing.

FrodoSaves said...

The female bosom is from the mind of Satan? And here I thought it was necessary for feeding the young'ns. Or perhaps you were referring to my play on the word 'suggestive'? I know how you hate that.

I confess though I did actually draw it on the back of a G&T and a bottle of Guinness. Strange bedfellows, admittedly.

Dani' El said...

I meant that your crude drawing was clearly meant to taunt thirsty orphans who must get by on powdered formula.

What's a G&T?
Or do I want to know?

UNRR said...

What about sacrifices? Do we get to have regular ritual blood sacrifices? Nothing brings a nation together like sacrificing prisoners to the deity. That kind of festive occasion and spectacle would be widely enjoyed and help stimulate greater religious participation. Theocracy and sacrifices, they just seem to go together.

Vitamin R said...

But what is good about a system that imprisons its leaders in marble while still alive and turns them into public monuments?

Uh--only everything!

In addition, Sweden and Finland are some of the most secular states on the planet, yet they get pitifully little sunlight during the winter. The correlation is certainly suggestive!

Did you know neither Sweden nor Finland have ever had a worldwide megahit movie, commonly known as "summer blockbusters"?

That's a true fact, and also very suggestive. Boobs, blockbusters and darkness . . . there are dots, here, FS, and it's only through Frodo's blessing that we'll be able to connect them properly.

Though critics argue his arms are too short for the job, Jesus’ are almost certainly too dead for the job.

Obviously you've never seen George Romero's "Land of the Dead". Zombies have pretty strong arms, if not overly durable. I think its the steady diet of human brains.

Indeed, Otto von Bismarck is thought to have been a Frodologist.

I dunno, I heard he was a Scientologist. Or maybe I just dreamed that he was when I fell asleep in history class.

Remember, it’s only persecution if you hear about it!

Or if U2 performs at or organizes a charitable event for it. Meddling kids. . . .

So, dear reader, next time you’re stirred unwelcome from your apathy and asked to vote, choose the option that will ensure you never need set foot in a claustrophobic voting booth again.

Republican?

If there was a religion that had ritual sacrifices, I'd be all in. Not in a believe-y sense, but I could certainly suggest some people who'd make adequate sacrifices. I mean, you wouldn't just wanna draw any old names out of a hat. I sincerely doubt 10 1/2 is a good enough gift to any god. But any or all of my workplace managers would be a pretty sweet sacrifice.

If the devil made boobies, what did god make? Probably nothing nearly as fun or ogle-able.

CodewordConduit said...

Dani never got around to explaining what would happen to me in his theocracy if I didn't repent...

Great post by the way I loved the Enlightenment reference :)

Dani' El said...

Sarah- Dani never got around to explaining what would happen to me in his theocracy if I didn't repent...

Sarah-
The comfy chair!!! ;-)

Listen.
Let's say you needed help and the only help available in town was from the church.
A good church with loving caring people.

You go there and say-
"Look mate. I hate your God. I think He's a tyrant, and His Son?
Your beloved King? Hock-spit!!!
Listen sweetie, if you don't help me with me rent, and me schoolin, then that makes you a tyrant! Dunnit?
(Then blow a smoke ring in their faces)

Who's the tyrant?
Who's the fool?

It's not like you would be burned at the stake, but you sure would not get the help you need.

But say this?
"Listen, I fought against the King in the wars. I was his sworn enemy.
I cursed His Holy Name at every chance. But I can see I was wrong and I did evil, deserving of punishment.
But I've changed my ways and repented of them. I ask for mercy as I did so in unbelief.
I humbly beg forgiveness from the King and ask for His undeserved assistance."
????

Then you'll have it.

FrodoSaves said...

Dani,

G&T? Gin & tonic my man. One of the best drinks on God's - er, Frodo's green earth. I'm a personal fan of Tanqueray. Any other gin drinkers out there?

True, this picture probably amounts to cruel and degrading treatment to the odd orphan that gets to see it, but who is unable to suckle on a maternal teat.

FrodoSaves said...

UNRR,

Do we get to have regular ritual blood sacrifices? Nothing brings a nation together like sacrificing prisoners to the deity.

I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately since sacrifices were most popular when people didn't understand the reason for solar eclipses, we'll probably have to unlearn all we know about planetary orbits to better capture that barbaric tribal spirit. Who's with me?

FrodoSaves said...

Vittles,

Or maybe I just dreamed that he was when I fell asleep in history class.

Interesting you should mention dreaming about history hot on the heels of turning presidents into public monuments. It reminds me of this dream I had back when I was 10 or 11. I dreamt that as each president approached the end of his life, he had to climb to the top of a totem pole of former presidents and wait 'til he died. At that point, he would be embalmed atop the totem pole, waiting for the next former president to climb atop him. And so it went, an ever-growing tribute to the nation's leaders.

Macabre, non?