Wednesday, February 11, 2009

So you think you can reason...

If you're a human being of a certain age, chances are you think you can reason. I've considered breaking this to you gently, but decided it would only dilute my message. So:

Unless you believe in Frodo, you cannot reason.

I expect a proportion of my audience is thinking "but why?", and another is thinking "fuck this, I'ma watch me some UFC on my TiVo". But please, it's important that you hear me out for both (1) the salvation of your soul, and (2) the boost to my ego I get from thinking I'm right.

So, how do I know that you can't reason without belief in Frodo? Observe:

This probably looks like a cube to you.

It's not. It's actually four trapezoids, two triangles and a square.

Reason let you down, did it? Still feeling confident about your geometry? Unsure what this dubious exercise has to do with Frodo?

Frodo is the source of reason. We know this because we have rational thoughts, such as this very sentence, which is quite possibly the most rational thing you've ever read. Now, if this doesn't sit right with you, chances are it's because you don't believe in Frodo. Once you submit to the Will of Frodo, you will see the sense of it.

Of course, if you don't believe in Frodo, you won't be able to judge the rationality underpinning any of this, because as I've infallibly demonstrated, Frodo is the only source of logic. Don't believe me?

I'll prove it
(holy shit,  get a load of all this formatting!)

Now, you must agree that there is such thing as an absolute, universal, unchanging law. For example, torturing babies is never good. Unless it's that zombie baby from Dawn of the Dead, in which case, have at it. Man, that thing was creepy. I mean, we all knew it was coming, what with the pregnant mother getting bitten and all, but that only made it scarier. And then the black guy had to shoot it. Yeah, that's original - get the black guy to shoot it. Hmm, dead baby. Nasty. Where was I?

Absolute, universal, unchanging laws. Some people, mainly atheists, argue that there is no such thing as a universal, unchanging law. No such thing? Absolutely, no such thing? Absolutely, universally, unchangingly, no such thing? I really don't want to get any more shrill, so in case it's not obvious by now, I'd like to point out that I just proved the existence of universal laws through a paradox.

No, please, don't worship me. Oh alright, it was pretty clever, wasn't it? Well... *smug grin*

Now before you realize you're still completely unconvinced, let's move on to the next section.


Frequently Unanswered Questions

1. What the hell are you on? Don't you realize your logic is circular?

Yes, I do! However, a Frodologist's logic is protected from external criticism. Please consult this comparison table.


Tradtional apologeticsFrodological apologetics
  1. God exists
  2. Because the Bible is true
  3. And the Bible is true
  4. Because God tells us in the Bible that it's true
  1. Frodo tells us there are universal laws
  2. Which are only explicable by reference to Frodo
  3. Because he lets us arbitrarily refute other sources of such laws
  4. Because they're arbitrarily arrived at too
  5. And unless you reach the same arbitrary conclusion, your reasoning is fallacious
Circular argumentCircular argument only if you're not a Frodologist

2. You claim Frodo is the ultimate authority. Please demonstrate how this could be true.

Back to top.


3. Couldn't you use these arguments to prove other deities?

No, because you'd be infringing my patent.


4. How can you reason a fictional character into existence?

As John Lennon once sang,  "it's easy if you try". He was of course referring to something else, though I can't for the life of me remember what.


5. Why can't I take my own human reason as my own authority rather than Frodo's existence?

Because conclusions reached through human reason are purely arbitrary, unlawlike and vary from person to person. For example, you may think that 2+2=4, while your atheist friend might think 2+2=5. Since you're both heathen fucktards, the answer could be either. 2+2 could vary between the individual, and you'd have no way of discovering which was correct!


6. Wouldn't a calculator work?

It would, yes.


7. I'm getting '4'.

I guess it's 4 then.


8. If Frodo is omniscient and omnibenevolent, why is there suffering in the world?

Chances are it's not actually suffering. Despite what I said earlier about torturing babies being absolutely, universally, and unchangingly immoral, there must be a reason sufficiently good for Frodo to allow (or indeed perpetrate) it. Because if there isn't, I'd have to go back to the beginning and rework my definition of Frodo's as 'all good', and I've come too far dammit. Too far.


9. If Frodo is willing to bannish me to the perpetual fires of Hell for such a trifling thing as a single lie, doesn't that make Him a little malicious?

Think about it this way. If Frodo is willing to do that, what you did must have been pretty bad, right? It's similar to blacks being treated badly in the United States for a few centuries. No one knows why they deserved it, but ipso facto, they must have done!


10. Didn't you have to use your flawed, unreliable a-Frodological reasoning in order to arrive at the conclusion that you need Frodo to reason?

Actually I was born this way.


And that's it!

I trust you've found this useful. Your newfound ability to reason is a great tool, and possessing it entails serious responsibility. Please, use it wisely. But above all, have fun with it!

Misogyny Meter for this article, a sad 0/10 - but -
Racism Rank a respectable 8/10, thanks to two black jokes

32 comments:

Eren O'Del said...

Okay, I'm convinced. I submit to your teachings Frodo.

I suppose this line of reasoning means that Sye would have to be a Frodologist as well. In that case, I change my mind. I rather condemn myself to hell than have anything in common with that freak. You may want to rethink your line of reasoning if and only if it would keep idiots like Sye away from you.

Sorry. Still unnerved about being compared to a child molester. But this post really was very entertaining.

CodewordConduit said...

Oh Frodosaves, Frodosaves...

Your awesomeness can be surpassed by none. Except Frodo himself. Oh and Michelangelo from the turtles (he's a party dude.....!)

Man, that April girl sucked though.

Vagon said...

I now have visions of April sucking Michaelangelo.

Frodo purge me of my filthy sins and I'll sacrifice a zombie baby on your behalf.

FrodoSaves said...

Vagon

Frodo doesn't consider sexual thoughts involving two cartoon characters a sin. You must understand that any action which gives greater credence to fictional characters is ok by him.

If you're still willing to sacrifice a zombie baby on his behalf he's willing to grant you a decade off your time spent in purgatory. Two zombie babies and he'll strike you a deal.

--------

Eren,

No worries. In the eyes of Frodo, everyone is a child molester!

(That's a compliment by the way. Just ask VitR when he shows up)

Eren O'Del said...

I suppose that since all logic originates from Frodo, then it follows that moral standards would also come from Frodo? Clearly I have a lot to learn.

Your logic was so brilliant that it just blew me away, and I am forever converted. Why did I bother wasting my time using inductive reasoning on my own blog when all I had to do was check with Frodo? Never again.

Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you. I have now seen the light.

UNRR said...

"it follows that moral standards would also come from Frodo?"

Of course. How else would we know that things like murder and rape are wrong? We need Frodo to tell us. If there was no Frodo we could just do anything we liked, whenever we felt like it, since morals wouldn't exist.

FrodoSaves said...

UNRR,

You will make a great prophet one day. Those new to the Faith can learn much from you. Truly, you are strong in the Faith!

Eren,

Our logic, morals, senses, and satellite radio all come from Frodo. He is the source of everything. Some call our worldview simplistic, but imagine the explanatory power it entails! Everything is the result of a single entity. In fact, you might call him the Singularity.

Frodo be with you all!

get_education said...

I am only guessing that by some cosmological transcendental reason the calculator has direct communication with Frodo. Otherwise how on earth would the calculator *know for certain* that 2+2=4? I am also only guessing, or rather having an idea, about extracting the Frodo-communication device out of the calculator for my own personal use. Do you think it would work? Or this is a special kind of machine-Frodo-only revelation device?

Thanks for such an illuminating post. May Frodo's mercy be with you (and the force),

G.E.

Sye TenB said...

How do you know about Frodo?

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

How do you know about Frodo?

I think I can answer this.

Frodo reveals himself through the pineal gland of non-douchebags, and to people who don't masturbate to scores of blog posts referencing themselves or their douchebaggery. He provides this revelation in such a way that we can be certain of its veracity, although women have only a 40% chance of understanding it, due to their diminished mental capacity (which has only been revealed to male non-douchebags in such a way that they can be certain).

Indeed, in the case of the revelation regarding the inferiority of women, the revelation occurs when Frodo accesses the vas deferens, and taps out the message in Morse Code. Many who have had this revelation have failed to understand it due to not having been a boy scout, or due to whitespace errors when translating.

I assume you're not a woman, Sye, based on how hideous a woman you'd be if your blog profile picture is accurate, but if you haven't received this revelation, it therefore means you're either a) a douchebag, b) a douchebag with a non-functional vas deferens, c) a douchebag who does not understand Morse Code, or d) a douchebag who cannot identify whitespace when translating Morse Code.

Sorry, douchebag, but I suspect you're just predestined to purgatory, unless you can locate a truckload of zombie babies to sacrifice (hint: use a pitchfork to unload them). Alternatively, you may be able to locate a single zombie, and get it to infect a truckload of non-zombie babies, which may be easier to come by...

Good luck with that.

--
Stan

Sye TenB said...

Stan said: ”Frodo reveals himself through the pineal gland of non-douchebags, and to people who don't masturbate to scores of blog posts referencing themselves or their douchebaggery. “

Does this mean that you have renounced atheism and become a believer in Frodo as the source of logic, knowledge, truth, and morality, or are you telling us how you spend your spare time?

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Does this mean that you have renounced atheism and become a believer in Frodo as the source of logic, knowledge, truth, and morality, or are you telling us how you spend your spare time?

Uh, no. You suck at reading.

It means that you're a douchebag, and that you probably have a box of kleenex at the ready to absorb any stray spooge which finds its way onto your keyboard, and a bottle of lotion of some kind to avoid the chafing you got last month (or so Frodo told me).

--
Stan

FrodoSaves said...

G.E.,

While removing the Frodo communication device from the calculator might seem like a good idea, take it from one who knows that the operation might not be all it's cracked up to be. A Frodologist theologian has pointed out after all, that how do we know that the calculator is always going to be right? And how do we know that, even if the calculator is always right, we aren't reading '4' as '5', or even '6'? So you see, computational math skills are really no substitute for belief in Frodo.

---------

Sye,

How do you know about Frodo?

Stan, good effort at answering this important question, but I feel some important detail must be added for clarification. We are all of course chiefly aware of Frodo's existence through having read about him in a very old and infallible book. Only after reading the Book did it occur that he might also personally reveal himself to us. Strange that the thought hadn't occurred prior to reading the Book, but that's education for you.

CodewordConduit said...

"No worries. In the eyes of Frodo, everyone is a child molester!"

*Crying laughing* How can this be?

Eren O'Del said...

Frodo is the source of all math, science and logic. This is why any device that uses math, science and logic must communicate with Frodo.

When a calculator displays 4 as the answer to 2+2, it is Frodo that gives the calculator the correct answer, and it is only through Frodo that we may see the correct answer. Those that do not have faith in Frodo may read the answer as 5 or 6 or 420983.

People who do not believe in Frodo take on blind faith what they see with their own eyes. Only those that have Frodo with them can know that what they observe is in fact true.

Sye TenB said...

Eren said: "Frodo is the source of all math, science and logic. This is why any device that uses math, science and logic must communicate with Frodo."

Huh, and I thought you were an atheist. Go figure.

Sye TenB said...

FrodoSaves said: "We are all of course chiefly aware of Frodo's existence through having read about him in a very old and infallible book."

Fantastic! Where can I get a copy to examine it?

Sye TenB said...

Stan said: ” Frodo reveals himself through the pineal gland of non-douchebags, and to people who don't masturbate to scores of blog posts referencing themselves or their douchebaggery.”

So, I asked if you were then a believer in Frodo, to which you replied:
” Uh, no.”

So, if Frodo only reveals himself to non-douchebags, and you don’t believe in Frodo, that means that while you are reading this you are…ewwww.

FrodoSaves said...

Sye,

Fantastic! Where can I get a copy to examine it?

At any good book shop, on the fiction shelf, right next to the Bible.

FrodoSaves said...

CC,

How can this be?

It's quite simple.

1) Everyone is a sinner
2) Every sin is as bad as the next, in that each buys you a one way ticket to Hell
3) If you tell a single lie, you're as good as a child molester

Pause for thought is my gift to the Christian.

Eren O'Del said...

Oh dear. The fact that there is a theist here who is actually taking these comments quite seriously is evidence of his mental deficiencies.

Go figure.

Eren O'Del said...

It's sad that we can't even have a little fun without Sye trying to ruin it for us.

Sye TenB said...

FrodoSaves said: "At any good book shop, on the fiction shelf, right next to the Bible."

Great, what's the title, or do you have the ISBN?

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

Great, what's the title, or do you have the ISBN?

Well, although it would undoubtedly be useful in your case, it isn't How to Stop Being a Douchebag, for Dummies.

I would recommend both in a case such as yours...

--
Stan

FrodoSaves said...

Sye,

I'm worried that since you don't submit to the Will of Frodo and therefore have unreliable standards of logic, you might misread the ISBN number I give you and buy the wrong book.

Sye TenB said...

FS said: "I'm worried that since you don't submit to the Will of Frodo and therefore have unreliable standards of logic, you might misread the ISBN number I give you and buy the wrong book."

Riiiiiiiiight. 'nuff said :-D

Vitamin R said...

Now, you must agree that there is such thing as an absolute, universal, unchanging law.

Only if that law is: "no shirt, no shoes, no service." Even if you're on the beach, it applies. Even if you're in the bathtub.

For example, torturing babies is never good. Unless it's that zombie baby from Dawn of the Dead, in which case, have at it. Man, that thing was creepy.

Aw, she was just hungry, tired, and cranky cuz she was undead. Plus, all that noise probably didn't help, either.

3. Couldn't you use these arguments to prove other deities?

No, because you'd be infringing my patent.


Touche.

So much for my heretical cult of Gamgee-ology.

For example, you may think that 2+2=4, while your atheist friend might think 2+2=5. Since you're both heathen fucktards, the answer could be either. 2+2 could vary between the individual, and you'd have no way of discovering which was correct!

"Heathen Fucktard" should've been my username. Where were you, three months ago?

Think about it this way. If Frodo is willing to do that, what you did must have been pretty bad, right? It's similar to blacks being treated badly in the United States for a few centuries. No one knows why they deserved it, but ipso facto, they must have done!

Well, black people aren't known for their love of Frodology. That right there is a possible reason for the shabby treatment.

That so-called "fun"? Wound up shunting me to a Disney website! With Disney-style rapping! Frodo's wrath upon you!

Also, April O'Neill didn't suck! Irma sucked! Not to mention that Vernon guy. Their combined nasally whining made me ashamed to be a New Yorker. . . .

FrodoSaves said...

VitR

Aw, she was just hungry, tired, and cranky cuz she was undead. Plus, all that noise probably didn't help, either.

Also - would you want to suckle at an undead nipple?

So much for my heretical cult of Gamgee-ology.

I thought we'd tracked the last of them down years ago... and, um, given them presents. Yes, presents.

Also, April O'Neill didn't suck! Irma sucked! Not to mention that Vernon guy. Their combined nasally whining made me ashamed to be a New Yorker. . .

Point taken, but I think we can all agree that powder yellow was most definitely not April's color. Hello, she has red hair? What's wrong with a mini skirt and boob tube a la Jill Valentine in Resident Evil 3?

get_education said...

Sye said such insane stuff:

Huh, and I thought you were an atheist. Go figure.

Nobody has said that Frodo is a god. Gods are poor human inventions devised to deny Frodo in unrighteousness. All true Frodo listeners know this, and thus are all atheists, since there is not a single god.

G.E.

get_education said...

Sye also said such nonsense:

So, I asked if you were then a believer in Frodo, to which you replied:

You either know you know Frodo or you know yet deny Frodo in unrighteousness. There is no such thing as "believing" in Frodo.

G.E.

FrodoSaves said...

G.E.,

Or in the words of Roy Cozy, I don't believe in aFrodoists.

FS

PhillyChief said...

No, because you'd be infringing my patent.

Brilliant!