Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A conversion guide for Christians

Christianity has long been a jumping off point for those who want to explore other, more alternative faiths. Like the way you might prepare for a trip to Vegas by going to Reno, and a trip to Hell by going Vegas, many Christians are only on their way to another religion. 

See that guy in the back with his smarmy grin and moist palms? Future Scientologist. And the gullible one reading Genesis like it's a newspaper? A Mormon, just passing through. And the rest of the congregation? Eagerly anticipating the trip to Heaven. In any case, it’s clear that Frodology is on the up and up, and Christianity is furnishing the Faith with its greatest source of converts.

But how easy is it to convert? After reading this handy little guide, you’ll see that it’s as easy as pie! Wait… what? 


Telling your family and friends

Most would-be Frodologists are chiefly worried about telling their bigoted loved ones of their conversion, for fear of rejection, disownment, or worse still, being prayed for. If this is applies to you, well don’t worry too much, because they’re all going to Hell anyway!

I’m joking of course – actually I’m not – but seriously, breaking the news to your family can be difficult, which is why, above all, I urge you to be tactical and practical. A little T&P. A teepee, if you have trouble remembering it. Some of you are probably expecting a racist joke right about now. That’s because racism is funny. Where was I?

Oh yes, breaking the news. Many new converts have reported great success with diversionary tactics. Perhaps the following mock conversation between new Frodology convert Ben and his Christian Dad will inspire you:

Ben: Christian Dad, I have something to tell you…

Dad: What is it, Christian son?

Ben: Well, I’m not a Christian anymore.

Dad: What?! Are you rejecting the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?!!

Ben: Um, no, no. I’m kidding, I just wanted to see how you’d react. I’m actually gay.

Dad: What?! That’s much worse! You little sodomite, I’ll beat it out of you, so help me God!

Ben: No, please, put your cane down! I’m joking again! Actually I was serious the first time. I’m no longer a Christian.

Dad: Oh, well that’s not so bad, so long as you’re not a queer.

Ben: I knew you’d understand. I really am gay though.


What should I do with my Bible?

While this may not have occurred while you were still a Christian, it’s probably now safe to read it. Most new converts have a hard time believing what it actually contains: slavery, infanticide, and plenty of good, old fashioned misogyny. If it wasn’t for all the dreary moralizing and lack of a believable protagonist, it might even give The Lord of the Rings a run for its money.

Once you’ve finished it, feel free to give it away to charity, because as we all know, what the poor need is another hollow-promise substitute for their ballooning income disparity and growing pack of ratty children. Before you do pass it on, make sure to have a bit of fun by adding your own Biblical books. Try the following for inspiration:

The Book of Truisms, 7:13

“And the LORD sayeth, ‘as two wrongs maketh not a right, thou shalt make love, not war, for verily sharing is caring. For the fool fights fire with fire, and laments in his heart, I have been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me’.”

Crustaceans, 5:17

“And He went forth amongst the people of Crustacea, and He remarked to them ‘what spindly legs thou hast, and what skill at scuttling sideways.’ And the people responded ‘all the better to run from thee, O Lord!’”

Fermentations, 2:4

“God saw the foamy head, and declared that it was good. For God so loved the world, He gave unto them His only begotten ale. And He told the people, ‘go forth and be wasted’.”


Can I still be good?

Many Christians are understandably worried that by losing their connection to God, they’ll become immoral drifters in a world gone awry. It’s important to remember however that as a Christian, you were never really ‘good’ anyway. Had you actually read your Bible, you would have discovered that the God you worshiped so dearly held you in the highest contempt. His exacting standard is such that, while you might have scraped by in society without committing any crimes, you weren’t about to get into Heaven without an anabolic amount of prayer.

So rather than still being good, you might be pleased to find out that you can finally be good.


Do I still have to let Uncle Bobby touch me?

That depends on the reason for the touching. If your molestation has a secular cause, such as Uncle Bobby being habitually drunk, retarded, or from Alabama (i.e. both), then your conversion will not affect it, and you're going to have to let the touching continue. If, however, Uncle Bobby is an ordained religious official, then you're in luck! Once you become a Frodologist, you no longer have to tolerate it to preserve the integrity of your former religion. 


Special advice for Catholics

If you’re a Catholic, we understand that you will find it hard to live a guiltless life, and we don’t recommend going cold turkey. We offer a series of seminars to help you through the transition, providing a weekly fix of guilt until you can be weaned off it entirely. New Frodologist convert Wendy Flynn had this to say: 

“My favorite part was reenacting communion, where everyone gets up to receive the bread and wine. Then the seminar leader, who plays the priest, lays into everybody in a cold fury to make us all feel guilty for receiving salvation. He kept yelling ‘You tink the Laard likes giving himself up every week so you twits can keep up yer sinning?’ It was just like being a Catholic again, it felt so good!


Why are you exploiting me and my soul for comedic effect?

Don't worry, it's not real.


So if you're a Christian on your way to another faith, you might as well make the journey count. That's why we're proud to welcome back into the fold the best-selling author of Escaping Frodology, whose revised 2nd edition will be completed with all the glee of mandatory contractual fulfilment she can muster. As thrilled as she is to be reunited with her children, we bet she's even happier to know her soul is in good hands!

5 comments:

Buddha said...

Hi there!
I am writing a series of posts on God concepts and I was wondering if anybody is interested in playing the devils advocate – since all the comments I get are one sided and it just doesn’t make for a good debate. So if you are an intelligent individual that can respect different opinions and would like to pitch in a thought or two stop by :)
Thank you!

FrodoSaves said...

Hi,

I had a brief look at your blog and I will be happy to contribute my opinion once I've gathered my thoughts. I hope you've enjoyed reading my blog!

FS

piggymceatsalot said...

I can't bloody believe I missed this post!!!! The Mormons were hiding it when last I checked.

I think you missed a new Biblical book though. I pencil it in to any hotel room copy I find.

It's the book of Libations (old testament) which - verily - states:

Gather 'round, all you whorey,
Gather 'round, and hear my story.
When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue;
When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.


ok actually I just googled 'bawdy rugby songs', but you get the idea...

Vitamin R said...

Ben: Christian Dad, I have something to tell you…

ROTFLMAO!

Ben: No, please, put your cane down! I’m joking again! Actually I was serious the first time. I’m no longer a Christian.

Dad: Oh, well that’s not so bad, so long as you’re not a queer.

Ben: I knew you’d understand. I really am gay though.


Dude--that's awesome. At least until the caning starts.

If it wasn’t for all the dreary moralizing and lack of a believable protagonist, it might even give The Lord of the Rings a run for its money.

Not unless Moses shanghais Tom Bombadil, Treebeard, the Barrow Wights and the Eagles. And Radasgast the Brown, just because he's eye-candy.

His exacting standard is such that, while you might have scraped by in society without committing any crimes, you weren’t about to get into Heaven without an anabolic amount of prayer.

So rather than still being good, you might be pleased to find out that you can finally be good.


The audacity of hope.

If, however, Uncle Bobby is an ordained religious official, then you're in luck! Once you become a Frodologist, you no longer have to tolerate it to preserve the integrity of your former religion.

But what if Uncle Bobby is a convert, too?

Why are you exploiting me and my soul for comedic effect?

Don't worry, it's not real.


Wait--the soul, or the comedic effect?

FrodoSaves said...

Wait--the soul, or the comedic effect?

If I give you an answer, it's not ambiguous anymore, is it?

Not unless Moses shanghais Tom Bombadil, Treebeard, the Barrow Wights and the Eagles. And Radasgast the Brown, just because he's eye-candy.

For a minute there I thought you were calling Peter Jackson Moses. Then I noticed you included Treebeard.