Tuesday, February 24, 2009

And that's when it came off in my hand...

Sex week continues with this post by a notable follower of Thinky, the atheist brain-god . Yunshui, of Right to Think, is an excellent writter with a keen wit. Irreverent, sharp observations about religion (in its many obscure forms) are accompanied with book reviews and periodic updates of the always-hilarious World's Most Accurate Horoscope. 

It’s a commonly held point of view amongst Frodologists that the hand of Frodo is evident in the amazing and intricate designs found in Nature. As we look at the world around us, can we do other than marvel at the architect whose genius wrought such beautiful things as butterflies and sheep? Some would point to the guineaworm, the tsetse fly or that little fish that swims up your piss as evidence of malice in Frodo’s plans, but they can be easily discounted as early test models, or maybe aberrations caused by too many heavy nights at the Green Dragon. Or maybe Frodo just hates Africa. It is quite hot there, after all.

The most obvious way in which Frodo’s ineffable goodness is demonstrated in the world is the invention of sex, surely the best thing two people can do together without any specialised equipment. It can also be the best thing they can do together with specialised equipment, or even unspecialised equipment and a good imagination. One has to wonder what humanity did to procreate before Frodo introduced the concept of a damn good boinking (within the confines of holy matrimony, of course). I imagine we reproduced by budding, in a similar way to Ash in Army Of Darkness. This could have caused no end of complicated paternity suits, since everyone would have been an exact genetic clone of everyone else. Legal chaos would have ensued – how would inheritance taxation have worked, for example? In His wisdom, Frodo intervened by introducing the idea of bumping uglies to make babies, and since then life has been sweet, at least for the male of the species.

Problems occur when hobbits try to mate with Big People, and thus Frodo shows us that such activities are designed to be performed only by man and wife (or dog and cat). Devotees of Thinky might point out that the pleasures of intercourse in fact encourage such extra-marital Hobbit/Human relations, but the joys of ejaculation are (when not twisted by atheists) actually intended only to hasten the marriage process. After all, once you discover that getting your rocks off is probably the most ass-kicking thing you can do with your time, you’re going to want it on tap, right?

Thus, the intense, sticky bliss of orgasm serves as proof of both Frodo’s divine design (although hanging the nuts on the outside may have been an oversight) and the sanctity of marriage. Praise be to Frodo!

Now where did I put my wife?

5 comments:

rita said...

When I was a christian one of the things that I pondered was the religious symbolic meaning of the orgasm. I very innocently told the minister of our church that I thought it was gods way of giving us a vision of what heaven was like. You know, the ultimate good feeling. I asked his opinion but he wouldn't even discuss it with me though & I always wondered how he would of responded.

After reading your post, I figured it out, if I would have been a guy he probably would of said close to what you said: blah blah blah "Thus, the intense, sticky bliss of orgasm serves as proof of both Frodo’s divine design (although hanging the nuts on the outside may have been an oversight) and the sanctity of marriage....blah blah blah"

The christian god & frodo are both pretty predicable. Just figure what some big ass hairy arrogant male that thinks he's god would come up with & there's your answer.

CodewordConduit said...

lmao "beautiful things such as butterflies and sheep."

Coffee laugh-snort, hurried cleaning of the laptop keyboard.

Good stuff fella

:)

FrodoSaves said...

Mostly I'm just alarmed about the little fish who wants to swim up my no fly zone. But yunshui is right: it's all Africa's fault.

Well done!

Vitamin R said...

I imagine we reproduced by budding, in a similar way to Ash in Army Of Darkness.

I'd prefer it if more people mated like Ash's sister and the tree in Evil Dead. I mean, how else are we gonna replenish the nearly-vanished Ent-tribes?

Problems occur when hobbits try to mate with Big People,

Ah, yes . . . Alfie. That one'll be a gaffer before he's fifty-five. Shameful.

After all, once you discover that getting your rocks off is probably the most ass-kicking thing you can do with your time, you’re going to want it on tap, right?

If by on tap, you mean bar-style variety and a running tab. And those cocktail napkins that have dirty jokes on them.

although hanging the nuts on the outside may have been an oversight)

Oversight? Or Frodo's plan to keep men humble and women amused?

piggymceatsalot said...

sex, surely the best thing two people can do together without any specialised equipment.

What! Why'd I waste all that money on the Liberator Wedge?