Thursday, January 29, 2009

Frodo claims the maelstrom

A series of earthquakes in the vicinity of Yellowstone National Park over the past few weeks has given geologists and unqualified, speculating laymen pause for thought, as debate abounds as to who or what is responsible. Experts are nearing consensus on the opinion that the low impact ground tremors are merely the Will of God, and have largely dispelled speculation as to a solely natural cause.

“Tectonic plate movements are frequently used by Jehovah to demonstrate his displeasure,” explained Yellowstone-based scientist, Rick Cavendish. Occurring as they did in late December and early January, the tremors are thought to have had something to do with the approaching inauguration of President Barrack Obama. Cavendish speculated that while God has been happy to have white men sit upon the throne in the United States for the past couple of centuries, He is now expressing anger at the election of a white man with a highly exaggerated suntan. “The Almighty is no fan of gamma rays,” noted Cavendish.

Scientists have been attributing a range of weather conditions to God's Will for several decades now. Explained eminent meteortheologist Gerald Spade, “we now believe avalanches convey God's infinite impatience, and lightning to be an expression of His excitement, sexual or otherwise.”

The conclusion of the meteortheological school is however far from uncontroversial. Traditional meteorologists, for example, have always held that hurricanes are a manifestation of God's anger, while lightning is merely a source of idle entertainment, not unlike playing with a Zippo, or perhaps his dong. Indeed, God has amassed so much of the Vietnamese currency that the central bank is having to issue millions of new banknotes into circulation.

In 2005, scientists nearly came to blows over Hurricane Katrina, which some attributed to the increasing popularity of sodomy, while others pointed out that gay sex rates had changed little over the preceding ever. Meanwhile, displaced residents of New Orleans were happy for the experts to decipher the meaning behind the storm before being rehoused. “Oh, I don't really mind, honey,” opined laundry owner Shaneqwa Matthews in August of that year. “We gots to know why God's making us suffer before they get us outta these army-issued cots, you know what I'm sayin'?”



(click to enlarge, unless you don't care, then screw it)

Certain meteortheological phenomenons have so far been unattributable to the On High, however, and in the lull other deities have spoken up to claim them for themselves. Norse god Odin was reportedly pleased at having secured the flurry for himself, but has since taken flak for choosing the "sissiest of the storms," according to Thor, a casual acquaintance. The Messiah Frodo on the other hand was quick to take responsibility for the maelstrom, a type of ocean whirlpool long feared by sailors and the type of hysterical cruise ship traveler that has no appreciation for how rare they are. Since it was a maelstrom that sank Captain Nemo's submarine the Nautilus at the end of Jules Verne's historical account, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, it is open to speculation whether Monsieur Verne was himself a Frodologist.

Interestingly, due to the recent reemergence of a lost poem recounting Frodo's legendary slaying of the Kraken, scholars have begun to ponder whether the maritime connection is merely a coincidence, or perhaps representative of some unknown facet of Frodological lore.

The debate continues, and witnesses of other nautical events involving the Messiah Frodo are meanwhile encouraged to report them to their local Fro'Moe without delay.

14 comments:

Max said...

Hmmm, this is off topic but I have some recommendations for the "Reader Favorites" section. Well, these our the favorites of THIS Reader:

"The Beforelife" is a classic and a core tenet of the Faith.
"Santa, sussed" was one of my favorites but I suppose it only has seasonable applicability.
"Frequently Asked Questions" was key to developing my understanding of the ways of Frodo.
"Residents of Heaven sick of perpetual daylight" was amazingly epic.
"Let's all pray for the economy" is pretty much a fool-proof way to solve today's economic woes, plus it has great illustrations.

So those are my votes for the Reader's Picks :D Not that you need help, I trust that, like a good Frodologist, you are a believer in the "Silent Majority" and thus you will follow their recommendation and make up whatever you want to do in the name of the people, including lengthy run-on sentences with no punctuation.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Richard Milhous Nixon was NOT a Quaker, he was a Frodologist.

Ash said...

The new layout is looking awesome! :D

Oh maybe you might want to get a favicon too?

And I second Max's opinion on what should be reader's favs.

Blessed be the name of Frodo!

FrodoSaves said...

Thanks guys!

I'm compiling a little list and, pending some further responses, will make that final link active in the next few days.

As for a favicon, I've been working on one for a little while, but it's pretty difficult to do anything with a 16x16 block of pixels. Meh!

piggymceatsalot said...

I think my two faves were in the October section - a boon month.

The Bible: A book review and the very useful Tips for Surviving the Rapture, which I've laminated and keep in my wallet.

10,000 years of history was illuminating as well.

CodewordConduit said...

Obviously volcanoes explode when a country has gone so far away from Frodo's plan, that a pilgrim has had to travel on foot to the volcano in question in order to force it to blow up and destroy the evil nation.

(See Mordor/Mount Doom etc)

Even Dani'El is onto this (Saurbama, Yellowstone etc) - but he has mistakenly attributed this revelation to one of the non-Frodos.

Oh and a question from the two year old for the attention of FS:

"Why doesn't hobbits change Gollum's nappy? His bum must be sore."

For the life of me I couldn't think of an answer. But it does make Frodo look like a bad caregiver.

Vitamin R said...

Cavendish speculated that while God has been happy to have white men sit upon the throne in the United States for the past couple of centuries, He is now expressing anger at the election of a white man with a highly exaggerated suntan. “The Almighty is no fan of gamma rays,” noted Cavendish.

ROTFLMAO!

I've heard gamma rays are atheists, and thus are the work of the Devil. Who shall hereafter be known as George Hamilton.

Explained eminent meteortheologist Gerald Spade, “we now believe avalanches convey God's infinite impatience, and lightning to be an expression of His excitement, sexual or otherwise.”

Wow, God gets charged--pun intended--over all the wackiness that goes on on our little blue marble?

That's kinda pervy.

In 2005, scientists nearly came to blows over Hurricane Katrina, which some attributed to the increasing popularity of sodomy, while others pointed out that gay sex rates had changed little over the preceding ever.

I was gonna object, I mean, I don't think the popularity of sodomy really changes. It's not like the really fun stuff (Monopoly, the electric slide, sodomy, Ben Stiller films, nose-mining) ever goes out of vogue, eh? But sometimes, it becomes less in vogue to talk about the fun stuff, though.

What are Frodo's teachings regarding Watergate? Was Ben Franklin actually a Frodologist, too?

FrodoSaves said...

Vittles,

Wow. I just googled George Hamilton. Can you say 'melanoma'?

The role of the Founding Fathers as closet Frodologists should probably be the subject of a future post. I'll make a note of it.

----------

CC,

As you have by now no doubt read, Frodo was a keen practitioner of realpolitik. Frodo did not change Gollum's nappy because it was a calculated tactic to remain in control of the situation. People with sore bums are easier to police.

It's why the gays aren't good at organizing.

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