Saturday, January 24, 2009

What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Frodo?

Since starting this website one of our most frequently received questions from both Frodologists and convert-hopefuls alike is the nature of followers’ relationship with Frodo, praise Him. “What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Him?” they ask. “How is my relationship with Frodo different than my relationship with the Christian God, or the Teletubbies?” others wonder.

While there are satirically-convenient similarities, each follower’s personal relationship with his Lord is quite different to one a Christian might have with his Jesus. It’s better too.

To really understand how a Frodologist communicates with Frodo, and opens his heart in so doing, this article has been laid out in the format of a series of questions.

How can I talk to Frodo?

You can talk to Frodo all the time! Best of all, it’s completely up to you how to do it. Most Frodologists prefer to do it silently, in their head. But if you feel full of faith, you’re free to talk to him out loud as well. You should be warned, however, that since a handful of Frodologists have been pelted with eggs whilst openly praying to Frodo on public transportation, vocal conversations with Him carry their risks.

How is that different than talking to myself?

Talking to yourself is not officially sanctioned by the Faith, and it’s something you can do on your own time.

Will Frodo respond to me?

It is important to remember that Frodo is one of the busiest deities there is, and he may not respond to you. Alternatively, some theologians believe Frodo may have lost the faculty of speech after all these years.

Accordingly, the Council of Fro’Moes have adopted the divinely revealed Doctrine of Silent Assent. This means that should Frodo not respond to a believer’s prayer, the believer can assume that Frodo gives his blessing to the request. In the spirit of the Doctrine, the Fro’Moe’Co was able to adopt it when they submitted it in proposal form to Frodo, asked for his approval, and heard nothing. What a truly fascinating study in applied theology!

This illustrates a key difference between Frodology and other faiths. While other religions might distinguish between wishes (which aren’t granted) and prayers (which are), Frodo simply grants nothing!

On the rare occasion that Frodo does respond to you, contact your local Fro’Moe immediately, as it is vital that the Faith is able to guide you, and not leave you to decipher His Divine Word alone. Also, you will shortly be committed to an institution. It is our experience that Frodo never responds, so you’re probably just mentally ill.

How do I know if He’s listening?

It can sometimes be tricky to distinguish between the Doctrine of Silent Assent and not being heard, but Frodologists can take comfort in the knowledge that Frodo can always hear you. What evidence do we have of that, you ask? Why, it’s right in the definition of “omniscience”! If Frodo is omniscient, then he is aware of everything at all times. It’s as simple as this nice, smooth, Ring of Power-shaped logic.

How do I ask forgiveness?

You can ask forgiveness for a whole raft of crimesins, from adultery through to things you suspect aren’t even sins! Additionally, the Frequent Prayer Program means that repeat offenders can streamline the forgiveness process. In combination with the DSA, the FPP (which was adopted via the DSA) means that the atonement procedure is far quicker than it is in other faiths. So if you feel like sticking it to the neighbor’s wife five nights out of seven, this might just be the religion for you! After all, since Frodo saw fit to make us all feckless crimesinners, it’s a mark of His beneficence that He afforded us this concession.

What do I get from praying to Frodo?

Frodo can give you comfort with His silence. Like the sense of peace you can only get from white noise, or perhaps that disturbing suffocating sensation you get when you enter a sound-proofed room, the complete quiet of an answered prayer gives succor to all believers.

Truly, Frodo has earned his motto, “be neither seen nor heard.”

Do I get to have sex with Frodo?

Frodo is thought to have had an extremely small penis, which would almost certainly leave modern women unsatisfied. This is of course a sign of His holy sanctity, as the female orgasm is a manifestation of Evil. His inability to cause them, even with his stubby little fingers, is surely a sign of His purity.

More questions? Then send 'em in!

3 comments:

piggymceatsalot said...

While other religions might distinguish between wishes (which aren’t granted) and prayers (which are), Frodo simply grants nothing!

Brilly-ent

Vitamin R said...

each follower’s personal relationship with his Lord is quite different to one a Christian might have with his Jesus. It’s better too.

I'm still giggling at that.

If Frodo is omniscient, then he is aware of everything at all times. It’s as simple as this nice, smooth, Ring of Power-shaped logic.

Delightful, and with just the right edge of shiver.

So if you feel like sticking it to the neighbor’s wife five nights out of seven, this might just be the religion for you! After all, since Frodo saw fit to make us all feckless crimesinners, it’s a mark of His beneficence that He afforded us this concession.

Not to mention the stamina! Five days out of seven, eh? Too brilliant to be Crimesin.

His inability to cause them, even with his stubby little fingers, is surely a sign of His purity.

Dude . . . I excuse me while I go wash my brain off. With boric acid, lmao.

FrodoSaves said...

Not to mention the stamina! Five days out of seven, eh? Too brilliant to be Crimesin.

Oh don't worry, crimesins aren't as bad as they sound. All you have to do is remember to ask for forgiveness. Since you're almost guaranteed no response, you can assume you're forgiven. It's really just a formality. Like paperwork without the papers.

Dude . . . I excuse me while I go wash my brain off. With boric acid, lmao.

It needed to be said, haha.