Saturday, January 17, 2009

Gondor, Mordor opt for more wardor

MINAS TIRITH -- Following our report several months ago of the invasion of Mordor by Gondor land forces, we belatedly bring you news that the conflict has subsequently flared up again. The conflagration has come at an unfortunate time for the outgoing King of Rohan, who has been busy dwelling on his legacy and making lame proclamations of success and progress in the Middle-Earth conflict. No less so is his ineffectual Secretary of State, though her failure to make an impact is more likely due to her being both black and a woman, traits not highly regarded by Mordor negotiating parties.

The region came to blows again after Gondor responded to cross-border attacks by Mordor militants with a campaign of limited bombing and falafel-eating. The orc bombardment originated in a disputed zone which Gondor ceded to Mordor nearly three years ago, in what is now looking like a laughably trustworthy gesture.

While Gondor ministers and certain Mordor representatives profess hope in a ceasefire, they will not treat as good news the voting of ‘ceasefire’ as the most overused word of 2008. Some critics argue in any case that counting on a cessation of hostilities is fundamentally flawed, since South Mordor’s leadership refuses to recognize Gondor. Confused as to why this should be, Gondor's leadership are considering an alternative recourse.

The author apologizes for the lack of a relevant cartoon

Though the international community has spoken out against the scale of Gondor’s response, a Rohan official claims “it is important to recognize the frustration of Gondor over the community’s inability to bring about a two-state solution. Or a one-state or a three-state solution. Or any solution at all, really.”

Meanwhile, unthinking support for Mordor’s plight has become the latest fashionable cause among youngsters in the West since it was pulled from a hat earlier this month, nudging out other contenders such as global warming and decreasing North Sea cod stocks. While discussion of the conflict is rife on network talk shows, analysis is often limited to the “madman at your door” argument, and viewers are thought to be tiring of the scarcely credible, thinly veiled analogies.

Residents of the troubled region are mildly dismayed by both the bombardment and the casual understatement of their ordeal by the media. Some apparently regret having voted a terrorist organization into power, as opposed to one that was merely corrupt and useless. Mordor orc-children have also been unable to attend school throughout the bombing. "Many of the students missed today's lesson on karma and hubris," worried a local teacher.

A representative for Gondor’s forces has however been quick to point out that while most of the ceded area has already been destroyed, “we’re mostly targeting bomb craters now. They’re a real scourge,” he added.


CodewordConduit said...

If Frodo was really omnibenevolent then stuff like this wouldn't happen.

Anyway we should bomb the Orcs out of all existence, otherwise the Anti-Frodo will arise and forge the most powerful ring yet - and make everyone wear a smaller ring that answers to his power. And the orcs will be his new army.

If you ask me though, the Anti-Frodo might already be here and guess what it's Obama.

He was raised with orcs, his orc-ish name is Sauron, and the letter "O" (for Obama) is the shape of the one ring.

He probably sank the Titanic too.

Dani' El said...

Am Gondor Chai!!!

And Sarah, I sunk the Titanic.

FrodoSaves said...


I cannot argue with your infallible analysis.

Perhaps, if Dani truly sank the Titanic, it was the Lusitania that Saurbama sank? Truly Saurbama manifests himself in all the faces of evil, one of which could easily be an unterseebooten.

Vitamin R said...

That cartoon was totally relevant. Just to another post that has nothing to do with this one :)

CodewordConduit is like a latter days Nostradamus. That's friggin uncanny. Though omnibenevolence has nothing to do with human notions of good, and everything to do with Frodo-notions of good. And if Frodo wants Orc-brats to miss classes about karma and hubris, than that's good, too. The goodest thing ever.

The most overused word of '08 was "sea change", which is actually two words, but if I wasn't too lazy to put a dash in there, it'd be a compound word.

FrodoSaves said...

Yikes - didn't see CC's heresy! Questioning Frodo's omnibenevolence? Just who the hell does she think she is?

And Vittles, you're absolutely right. It depends entirely on how Frodo chooses to define good. Frodo is by definition omnibenevolent so anything which seemingly contradicts that cannot be good.


Max said...

Minus the heresy, CC makes an amazing point. Truely, Obama IS the Anti-Frodo. There is NO DOUBT IN MY MIND.

Since I am such a good Frodologist, there in fact never is much in my mind in my mind at all. As a profound believer, there never has to be anything in my mind at all except the knowledge that Frodo entirely loves me no matter what I do. As long as I'm not gay, an orc, someone who implies that the relationship between Frodo and Sam may possibly have sexual connotations, or a fan of Paul Bettany. Obviously.

Heresy about Frodo's omnibenevolence is just stupid. The definition of good is, contrary to those morons at Merriam-Webster's belief, actually: "Whatever Frodo does!"

Therefore, how could Frodo possibly be bad?

FrodoSaves said...


I see that you are learning much from Frodo's teachings, and am thrilled that you will one day enter the Shire with all his flock. Herd? Gaggle? A gaggle of Frodologists? Does that sound right?

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