Sunday, January 4, 2009

A cross of mistaken identity

Ripples of alarm coursed through the Christian world today at a shocking piece of revisionist history surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus. One of religion’s most significant semi-events has been thrown into question by archeologists excavating the plains of Golgotha. It seems that the man crucified in pole position on that fateful day may not have been the Son of God.

Indeed, followers of Thinky, the atheist god, argue that Jesus was a normal mortal and there is no god for there to be a son of.

There is however another extra-disappointing reason why the executed man may not have been the Son of God. It seems, after this painfully drawn out introduction, that it was not Jesus on that cross.

The key piece of evidence in the discovery was the cross itself. Rather than stout Lebanese cedar favored by Roman crucifix-makers at the time, it was instead poorly made from disassembled Ikea children’s furniture. “There are definitely more knots in the wood than you’d expect from a Roman cross,” explained crucifix expert Dale Sands. “This wouldn’t have been comfortable at all.”

Another indication was the shape of the recovered cross. Rather than the traditional ‘+’ shape, the designer went for more of a ‘Г’ style. Experts agree that the victim was thus likely an amputee, or possibly a leper. Some have even suggested that it wasn’t even a man, but a snake bent into a right angle. Most agree this is implausible, however, since snake crucifixion did not become popular in the Levant until the third century AD.

All of this raises the pertinent question that, if Jesus wasn’t crucified, who was? Many believe it could have been Jason the Leper, an early messiah impersonator. Previously lauded for his highly believable performances, no record of Jason’s appearances can be found after the crucifixion. Researchers also point to the dip in popularity of impersonation as a career around the time, flanked on either side by the many highly popular lookalikes of Ptolemy XIII and Septimus Severus.


Jason the Impersonator is led to his death


Evidence suggests that at the time of the crucifixion of Jason the Leper, Jesus was probably stuck in traffic. Early traffic lights had to be laboriously repainted each time they changed, leading to an inexplicably inefficient system which was further complicated by a regional shortage of green paint. From anecdotal sources it appears that Jesus was gripped by a primitive bout of highly un-Christian road rage triggered by a dented bumper. It now seems likely that Jesus suffered a prolonged heart attack at the reigns of his wagon, and ironically, probably suffered a lot more this way.

Christians are however so far resisting the adoption of the bent fender as a religious symbol, holding instead that the crucifix is more aesthetically pleasing. Some critics argue though that this is perhaps not the principle purpose behind an instrument of torture.

10 comments:

Christine Vyrnon said...

Ikea: classy detail... a cross easily assembled by the masses.

Dani' El said...

All I want to know is how you typed an upside down "L".
You must be a witch.

Too bad you don't know scripture better. You missed a great opportunity here-

Joh 3:14 And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up:
Joh 3:15 That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
-------------------------

If you are wondering what this is referring to, heretiz-

Num 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Num 21:7 Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people.
Num 21:8 And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.
Num 21:9 And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.

This is yet another foreshadowing of the cross in the OT.
You heathen you. ;-)

FrodoSaves said...

Ok now that's hilarious. Stapling serpents to poles. Who knew. When I revise all of these for the anthology ten years from now I'll have to take all of your scripture lessons into account Dani.

Here's a question though: surely if the people of Israel died from being bitten by snakes, the fact that they were also fiery is somewhat redundant? Anyway, do you know what species of snakes are native to the holy land? Worth investigating perhaps.

Dani' El said...

Frodo-
It would be too easy to take a shot at Hamas here,
so I'll just say that I think the "fiery" meant poisonous as opposed to say, a non-poisonous snake like you. ;-)

The word translated as fiery is-
śârâph
saw-rawf'
From H8313; burning, that is, (figuratively) poisonous (serpent); specifically a saraph or symbolical creature (from their copper color): - fiery (serpent), seraph.

It's also interesting that in the days of King Hezekiah, Israel had started to worship the brass serpent as an idol.

2Ki 18:3 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that David his father did.
2Ki 18:4 He removed the high places, and brake the images, and cut down the groves, and brake in pieces the brasen serpent that Moses had made: for unto those days the children of Israel did burn incense to it: and he called it Nehushtan.

nechûshtân
nekh-oosh-tawn'
From H5178; something made of copper, that is, the copper serpent of the Desert: - Nehushtan.

I know that's a bit redundant.

As all that Israel experienced was written for an example to the church, it is also interesting that the church, esp the Catholics and others, have made an idol of the crucifix.
It's true, Idolaters always need a 'fix.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Thinky's been telling me things.

I need a misogynistic hard-core Frodologist to put these crazy notions to shame.

For instance...

"Why did Frodo and Sam have to trek all the way to Mordor when Gandalf had that allegiance with the Eagles? They flew them away, why not fly them there?"

See the heresy? Fix me!


(deleted to edit typo)

FrodoSaves said...

CC,

As any religious official will tell you, you err in thinking too much. If only you would take as your first precept the infallibility of The Book then you would see that everything else makes perfect sense.

And if that curiously familiar argument doesn't placate you for whatever reason, I have a an FAQ coming up which should help.

Have a good holiday?

Anonymous said...

Just like the Brady kids...

"I never thought about it that way!"

And yes that argument is oddly familiar. My holidays were actually OK except for being struck down with super-flu (it might be that man-flu, I could be the first woman to catch it).

I had to pack in the 20 fags a day, it was making it so that walking up a hill set my ribcage on fire and nearly made me black out. I guess that soured the end of the hols a bit.

How were your holidays?

Rachel E. Bailey said...

Indeed, followers of Thinky, the atheist god, argue that Jesus was a normal mortal and there is no god for there to be a son of.

Obviously Thinky won't be teaching his followers to take things on faith.

There are definitely more knots in the wood than you’d expect from a Roman cross,” explained crucifix expert Dale Sands. “This wouldn’t have been comfortable at all.”

Then it's definitely Ikea.

Early traffic lights had to be laboriously repainted each time they changed, leading to an inexplicably inefficient system which was further complicated by a regional shortage of green paint.

::snorfles::

But who came out of the tomb on the third day, Jason, or Jeebus? How would anyone know for sure? I hear Jason's impersonation was spot on . . . who's to say Dad didn't maybe get confused and magicked away Jason's leprosy, thinking He was doing his kid a favor. You know, besides resurrecting him.

Meanwhile, poor Jeebus is stewing around in limbo because he died taking his own and his dad's name in vein at the moment of death.

Unknown said...

Can you please give me references to substantiate your claim that Ptolemy XIII had many impersonators