It emerged earlier this week that Israel, perennial favorite of the Holy Land, has become envious of California, specifically of its San Andreas fault. Experts have long predicted that California is overdue an earthquake large enough for the continental United States to be forever free of it. Whether it results from God's terrible but infinitely loving wrath or the San Andreas fault line is yet to be seen, though scientists admit they would be “surprised” should it turn out to be the former.
Regardless, Israel has cottoned onto the tectonic plate theory as being a plausible solution to the decades' old Israel-Palestine conflict. “We want it to be our fault,” explained an Israeli official, "and pretty soon, it will be". Long a deviser of original fixes for complicated issues, Israel's latest idea has been leapt upon by nearly all parties concerned. The so-called 'Quartet' has openly lauded a new tectonic plate as a “thoroughly practical solution to a hugely incendiary problem”, and at the same time disavowed itself of the Bush administration's Road Map for Peace, now thought to be a thoroughly mundane solution to a drastic vocabulary problem.
In describing the nature of the solution, Israel was quick to thank the early 20th Century British government for its efforts, saying “it's not that the land isn't holy enough – it is, it absolutely is, it's great in fact – but ever since you gave it to us, our neighbors have been jealous and want to use it too.” Warning of the need for restraint, Britain cautioned Israel that it no longer had the receipt for the land, but that it would look for it and if possible inquire with the UN whether store credit was available. It suggested that, should the earthquake idea not work, a second diaspora to Iceland might be a “thoroughly obvious solution to a fairly elementary problem.”
In the event that it is not, Israel is already studying how to implement the tectonic plate idea. “Since our neighbors aren't so fond of us, it might be nice to drift into the Med,” explained Avi Goldberg, an engineer on the project. “Just imagine it: no problems, peaceful Mediterranean island life. I've always wondered what it would like to live on Cyprus.” Popular opinion has swelled behind the idea, abandoning such trite projects as the cooperatively produced 'Peace Oil', long derided as a thoroughly ridiculous olive-based solution to a non-culinary problem.
Critics note however that many of Israel's opponents want an end to its existence, rather than a change in location. “I don't think it's just semantics,” opined one scholar. Yet there is cause for optimism. Recently, Israeli forces discovered members of Hamas planting explosives on Israel's border. After thanking them for their assistance, the bombers were released, and encouraged to finish the job. Citizens are reportedly pleased to see the spirit of the current ceasefire extending across the border.