Frodologist Family Fun

As someone who’s never had to do it myself, I know that raising a family can be difficult, especially on the husband as he has to watch his formerly sexy bride get uglier and uglier, a trend known to science as the Theory of Marital Unattractiveness. 

As time increases, the graph itself is the only thing going up

Fortunately, it’s only a theory, which means that its harmful effects can be mitigated with enough practice and concentration. One way to keep your family glued together like glue is to spend quality time proselytizing to the heathens. Now that you’ve saved your child from his apostasy, this can be a great way to spend a day. Try these useful tips to bring Frodo’s Word to the infidel.

 

Impromptu anti-gay rally

Protesters against gay marriage have received a lot of criticism recently, and it’s not undeserved, watering down their message of hatred like that, instead of condemning homosexuality per se. But a spontaneous rally to vent your anger against the poofters is always a safe bet for a sunny day.

When preparing, make sure to bring along colorful cardboard with which to make your signs and placards. It really is a great opportunity to let your imagination run riot. Use words like ‘sodomy’, ‘fag’, ‘queer’, and ‘free speech’. Remember to bring along a towel to wipe the froth from your mouth and the spittle dribbling down your chin, and don’t forget the markers so the kids can drawn their own posters!

 

Organized anti-gay rally

This is superficially a lot like the impromptu anti-gay rally, but only the core message of intolerance is the same. You’ll be part of a much bigger crowd, which affords much more opportunity for creative costumes. Always remember the general rule of thumb, which is that if you wear anything but your normal clothes to a rally of less than a dozen protesters, people might think you’re gay.

Be aware that larger groups are often dictated by herd mentality and you’ll have a lot less control over the tone of the rally. Self-moderation and polite decorum are often a problem, and it may be difficult to encourage other protesters to adopt your fascist tone. Always keep hold of your child in case your ranks are infiltrated by a gay pedophile. After all, it’s a dangerous world out there!

 

Have a bonfire… of books!

Kids love fire, and it’s the job of a responsible parent to encourage and foster his children’s interests. Large bonfires are always a treat, but these days you can’t so much as set a match to a redwood without getting environmentalists on your back. Truly imaginative parents should then realize the great untapped potential behind that bound and printed piece of tinder known as a ‘book’.

Some are morally opposed to setting books alight, but let me ask you this: what’s so bad about it if the author already disagrees with you? Authors are some of the most judgmental people ever to walk the planet, formulating their ideas and then solidifying them in print before even a single reader can voice his disagreement. Over 98% of books ever written already contradict your beliefs, and most of them aren’t even in a language you can read! Can you say ‘superfluous’?

You can’t? Too long? Oh, well you’d better save that dictionary then!

Of course, we must not forget the danger of getting carried away. Frodologist Dr. Carrie W. Clark has warned in her book against forcing all opinions into a dichotomy and calling those on the wrong side of it ‘gay pedophiles’. This is precisely the type of thing we must be protect against, and that’s why I’ll be throwing her book on the fire first along with the rest of the gay pedophiles.

Lastly, remember that the glue used in binding some books can be highly toxic when heated. Prudent parenting requires that you can’t be too careful.

Now who’s ready for smores?

 

Spread pro-anti-pro-choice literature

Abortion is an awkward subject to discuss in polite society, the gay pedophile in the room, if you take my meaning. But statisticians believe that 9 out of 10 Americans reading this very sentence (abortion!) are thinking about abortion right now. If everyone’s thinking about it, why aren’t we talking about it? Clearly, we have to force people to talk about it.

How can your family help? First, we must stop using euphemisms, like ‘life’, ‘choice’, and ‘abortion’, and call it what it is: fetus molestation. Take your child along to a march, and ask pro-choicers whether they’d happily molest him. Most should say ‘no’. Ask them then why they’re so ready to molest someone exactly like your child, only younger.

Husbands can also help, as everyone knows that men always know what’s best for women. That’s why we have penises. Like the hand of an eager student keen to answer a question in class, nothing says ‘I know!’ better than an erect phallus.

Don’t be tempted to leave your children in the car, because as we all know, there are gay pedophiles about. Instead, get them to star in an existential play with a provocative title like “What if I Was not Am?” The absurdity of a fully gestated fetus pondering his own non-existence will get your audience thinking “hey, that’s funny!” and waste fifteen minutes of their time, which will bring all babies in attendance fifteen minutes closer to the second trimester deadline!

After a long day of good parenting, why don’t you take the whole family out for ice cream? Woah there, easy on the chocolate sauce!