In defense of the Mormons (it’s not what you think)

Minor religions don’t have an easy time of it, especially the ones whose tenets really get the imagination going. I should know. I run one. Mormons in particular are often unfairly singled out, frequently by this website, as deserving of extra ridicule. But just how crazy are they? Words like “batshit insane” and “theological asshattery” are thrown around a lot these days, to the extent that no one stops to ask what’s so truly nuts about bat droppings. We religious minorities need to stick together, and it’s my purpose here to defend the Mormons and show that they haven’t completely lost it.

 

Land of the free

Mormons view the Bible as divinely inspired but maintain that they’re privy to some juicy extras ignored by Catholics and Protestants. As such, it’s sort of like Christianity Plus. That sounds like fun, right?

All of this was recorded on some nifty brass plates originally in the possession of Laban, a Biblical character the anagram of whose name is unfortunately ‘Banal’, and perhaps worse, ‘Anal B’, though historians still dispute the meaning of the ‘B’. These plates were stolen by Nephi along with Laban's steel sword, the possession of which was a considerable metallurgical accomplishment for the Bronze Age.

The plates describe the flight of a group of people, one Lehi and his family (including son Nephi) from Jerusalem to the New World around 600 BC, which is about 2,100 years before transatlantic travel even became possible. That’s no mean feat, and I’m starting to see why Jesus liked these guys! Historians are unclear as to why Lehi et al abandoned the Jews, but as a sort of ancient bad shit magnet, the decision is understandable, especially when viewed in the context of the customary 19^th Century anti-Semitic milieu in which this whole thing was concocted.

 

Home of the braves?

The descendants of Lehi, who later split into the Lamanites and Nephites (over artistic differences as to where art stopped and porn began) flourished in Mesoamerica, augmenting a pre-existing Semitic group who'd been there for several thousand years already. One can only admire their accomplishments, because according to Mel Gibson, there were a lot of hearts being cut out in the vicinity, so good for them.

Unfortunately, they’re chiefly considered by Mormons as an unsuccessful civilization for failing to leave behind archeological evidence to attest to their existence. Some detractors note alleged anachronisms in the Book of Mormon, such as the mention of chariots. They argue that Mesoamerican roads were extremely narrow and difficult to traverse, with rope bridges only two to three feet wide, all of which makes chariot usage quite difficult. Um, hello? Ever heard of a bicycle?

Mormons maintain that Nephite culture eventually gave away to the Olmecs and the Mayans, who specialized in mathematics and science, a tradition presumably embraced by modern Mormons, because they’re not too good at history. Their enemies the Lamanites, on the other hand, turned into the type of saggy-breasted dart-blowing specimens you see in off peak hours on National Geographic. You know, between the good stuff. With guns and shit.

Linguistic critics of the Book of Mormon argue that no Native American language is even remotely related to Hebrew, which the Levites allegedly spoke. But Mormon apologists rightly point out that the Levites weren’t the sole ancestors of Mesoamericans, leaving plenty of room for the Atlanteans, Cthulhu, and talking rabbits to further influence indigenous languages.

Chosen folk

According to Mormons, Jesus visited America shortly after his death and ascension into Heaven. While mainstream Christians might laugh, they should remember that Mormons still nodding along to this narrative are likely capable of believing absolutely anything. While there, Jesus finally settled the ancient art-porn debate with his inspired ruling that pornography begins at five articles of clothing or fewer, a definition Mormons keep to this day.

Many Christians ask, “but why would God have come to Joseph Smith, revealing this secret history and giving him the divine gift of translation?” Others wonder “is this article really defending Mormons?” And still others yearn to know, “are you even going to answer any of these questions?”

 

The burden of belief

The life of a modern Mormon is not an easy one, what with the public ridicule, perpetual threat of attack from Skeletor, and having to spend huge amounts of time with other Mormons, often family members. More conservative Mormons must also wear the near-legendary Mormon underwear, a garment rivaled only by the snood as able to inflict humiliation on the wearer.

Ew

How do they cope?

The decision to wear Mormon underwear is the end result of a lengthy cost-benefit evaluation. "Do I look hilarious?" Yes. "Is it a good kind of hilarious?" No. "Does everyone else look hilarious?" Yes. "Will demons consume my genitals otherwise?" Yes. And maybe even inspite of.

In terms of their beliefs in general, most Mormons probably try not to think about the historical inconsistencies, parceling them off in an area of their brain and repressing them so that they never need be confronted. Sort of like the way Kevin Spacey’s character suppressed his homosexuality in American Beauty so that he could live according to society’s expectations of normality. 

The analogy is actually quite telling. Mormonism and American Beauty are both absolutely terrible.

Quick Mormon FAQ

"With polygamy and all those kids, Mormons must get to have a lot of sex, right?"

By Protestant standards, yes. The average Mormon parents have four children over the course of twenty years, which means they have sexual intercourse an average of 0.2 times per annum, and 0.1 times per vaginum.

"What goes on inside the Temple?"

Some believe the Mormons have Elvis, still alive, kept in chains in the innermost sanctum, so that they may use his fat guy sweat to teach cabbages to dance the tango. Most however reject this theory in the face of overwhelming evidence that tango dancing is an innate trait of cabbages which does not need to be taught.

"Is there such thing as a gay Mormon?"

Not once the desert is finished with them!

"What should I say to Mormons who knock on my door?"

It shouldn't concern you, provided you've kept the door padlocked and soundproofed from your neighbors. Knocking is also a sign that they've exhausted themselves from screaming, meaning that they will probably try to reason with you for their release. Ignore it. Experience shows that captured Mormons imprisoned in basements eventually succumb to their incarceration after three weeks, and become willing participants in fertility experiments until rickets inevitably overwhelms their fragile immune systems.

"Where can I get a copy of the Book of Mormon?"

Once they eventually expire, don't feel bad about simply looting them. In fact, don't feel bad at all. In the service of the Lord and all that, eh? If the copy you retrieve has already started to rot, just ask me, I have plenty of spares.