Atheist disappointed by own lack of belief

Still recovering from the trauma of recently getting stuck inside his own thought bubble, an outspoken local atheist spoke up for the first time today about his own disappointment in himself. As an atheist, Mr. Jennings is no stranger to criticism. From the disappearance of babies at the local orphanage to the disappearance of babies from local wombs, Mr. Jennings’ complete lack of belief is frequently derided as an agent of Satan’s will.

“Atheism is the worst thing since bread stopped coming pre-sliced from those fancy bakeries,” opined a smug local pun-maker.

However, Mr. Jennings now has another person to add to his list of people whom he feels he must daily put in their place: himself. It seems that his near-death experience has caused him to grow somewhat introspective, and, dare we say it, spiritual.

“I realized that if was a believer, particularly a Mormon or a Frodologist, I probably wouldn’t have been stuck in that thought bubble. I’d still be alive today,” explained Mr. Jennings. He went on to explain it better, but that portion of the interview has been excluded for comic effect.

Mr. Jennings is consequently disappointed by his own atheism, and believes that atheism will probably be stamped out by natural selection, due to the inherent danger posed by empty thought bubbles.

Until that happens, however, he simply wishes he had been born a believer. “I can’t really choose to believe in God. It’s hardly my fault He didn’t provide more evidence for His own existence,” moaned Mr. Jennings. What's more, Mr. Jennings is convinced he'd be an excellent believer if it wasn't for his lack of belief. "I don't eat babies or anything."

Mr. Jennings realizes he is just part of God’s plan to test the faithful. “I’m fully aware that I’m here to test believers and woo them into Satan’s arms,” he admits, but he doesn’t appreciate the constant criticism that comes with the job. “I’ve been called a tool of Satan, Satan’s tool, and even Satan’s stool once, but I’m pretty sure that was just a typo.”

It wasn't. Mr. Jennings was called a pile of devilish feces by a Hindu, who assured him he would be reincarnated as a hoary marmot as punishment for his lack of belief in Vishnu. "It's a hard blow, especially since I don't believe in any of it."


Thanks to conservation posters, the hoary marmot is now off the endangered species list

Asked whether he resents God’s use of him as a mere pawn in a greater game, Mr. Jennings declined to blaspheme. “It’s not really my prerogative to criticize the job He’s doing, since He has a greater purpose for me as a forsaken heathen, even though I don’t believe in Him either.”

Prompted to explain the apparent contradiction in his statement, Mr. Jennings simply shrugged and explained “I guess God just made me this way, even though He didn’t. But really He did.”

Truly a complex individual.