Atheist disappointed by own lack of belief

Still recovering from the trauma of recently getting stuck inside his own thought bubble, an outspoken local atheist spoke up for the first time today about his own disappointment in himself. As an atheist, Mr. Jennings is no stranger to criticism. From the disappearance of babies at the local orphanage to the disappearance of babies from local wombs, Mr. Jennings’ complete lack of belief is frequently derided as an agent of Satan’s will.

“Atheism is the worst thing since bread stopped coming pre-sliced from those fancy bakeries,” opined a smug local pun-maker.

However, Mr. Jennings now has another person to add to his list of people whom he feels he must daily put in their place: himself. It seems that his near-death experience has caused him to grow somewhat introspective, and, dare we say it, spiritual.

“I realized that if was a believer, particularly a Mormon or a Frodologist, I probably wouldn’t have been stuck in that thought bubble. I’d still be alive today,” explained Mr. Jennings. He went on to explain it better, but that portion of the interview has been excluded for comic effect.

Mr. Jennings is consequently disappointed by his own atheism, and believes that atheism will probably be stamped out by natural selection, due to the inherent danger posed by empty thought bubbles.

Until that happens, however, he simply wishes he had been born a believer. “I can’t really choose to believe in God. It’s hardly my fault He didn’t provide more evidence for His own existence,” moaned Mr. Jennings. What's more, Mr. Jennings is convinced he'd be an excellent believer if it wasn't for his lack of belief. "I don't eat babies or anything."

Mr. Jennings realizes he is just part of God’s plan to test the faithful. “I’m fully aware that I’m here to test believers and woo them into Satan’s arms,” he admits, but he doesn’t appreciate the constant criticism that comes with the job. “I’ve been called a tool of Satan, Satan’s tool, and even Satan’s stool once, but I’m pretty sure that was just a typo.”

It wasn't. Mr. Jennings was called a pile of devilish feces by a Hindu, who assured him he would be reincarnated as a hoary marmot as punishment for his lack of belief in Vishnu. "It's a hard blow, especially since I don't believe in any of it."


Thanks to conservation posters, the hoary marmot is now off the endangered species list

Asked whether he resents God’s use of him as a mere pawn in a greater game, Mr. Jennings declined to blaspheme. “It’s not really my prerogative to criticize the job He’s doing, since He has a greater purpose for me as a forsaken heathen, even though I don’t believe in Him either.”

Prompted to explain the apparent contradiction in his statement, Mr. Jennings simply shrugged and explained “I guess God just made me this way, even though He didn’t. But really He did.”

Truly a complex individual.

Vatican heist sees millions of years’ worth of indulgences stolen

The latest round of the Catholic blame game kicked off earlier this week with the Holy See’s announcement that it had been robbed. Believers listened in horror as the Pope’s spokesmen reported how thieves had broken in during the night, and made off with several tons worth of paper indulgences. The rest of the world barely batted a collective eyelid when it later developed that nothing of actual value had been stolen.

Quite how the burglars entered the Pope’s vault is unclear, though Vatican authorities are reportedly meeting with their contractor, Honor System Security Ltd., to assess the breach. In the mean time, any obvious flaws will be addressed with candlelight vigilance.

Though neither Italian police nor the Carabinieri have released a list of suspects, the theft bears all the hallmarks of frequent sinners such as gays, and some of the hallmarks of casual sinners, such as Hallmark. The Vatican also suspects religious skeptics who aren’t quite skeptical enough to be sure there’s no God, but is skeptical that said skeptics are organized enough to pull of such a heist.

In simpler times, the stolen property itself would have pointed to the likely culprits. Mothers of unbaptized children were once the most prolific thieves of indulgences, but in recent years organized crime rings, some of them full of good Catholics, have been responsible for the biggest robberies.

Taken together, the indulgences amount to millions of years off time to be spent in purgatory, and as such represent about 5% of the global indulgence black market. Vatican authorities are confident that the majority of the stolen indulgences will wind up in the United States, particularly California and Arizona. Since the introduction of crimesin, illegal Mexican immigrants have all become sinners in the eyes of God. It is a setback they certainly could have done without.


Paco has to sell a lot of tacos to pay for his ill-gotten indulgence

Asked about their plans to retrieve the stolen indulgences, the Vatican said that its chief worry as always was that sinners would be cheating the system and not spending enough time being punished for their transgressions. Still, a spokesman reassured reporters that they “can always print more,” though he cautioned that recent cutbacks will mean future indulgences will be printed on A5 paper, rather than the standard A4.

Atheist gets trapped inside own thought bubble

An emergency call was placed today by the distressed wife of a prominent atheist. The woman described her husband as “stuck in a bubble”, but it was only on the fourth call back that the emergency operator realized she was not speaking metaphorically. Indeed, when an ambulance arrived, the man was found literally stuck inside a cartoony thought bubble.

“My husband thinks a lot,” Mrs. Jennings told reporters. “But before this happened, I wouldn’t have said he thought too much.” Precisely how it happened is still being investigated, but it would seem that Mr. Jennings became stuck sometime before midnight. An avid blog reader, Mr. Jennings spends several hours of his day trolling religious blogs and responding to their posts with implacable stamina. As such, Mr. Jennings is no stranger to inane arguments and baseless leaps of faith.

It would seem however that one particular post totally floored poor Mr. Jennings, such that he was at a complete loss for words. “The thought bubble must have opened shortly after reading the first idiotic sentence,” mused investigating sergeant, Bill Harris. “When he couldn’t find words to fill it, the vacuum in the bubble probably just sucked him right in.”


Fig. 1, Cartoon thought bubbles are rarely a cause for laughter

Mr. Jennings was luckily rescued from the bubble by a simple popping motion. “I grabbed a fork, and just sort of went like this,” recalls paramedic Dave Bailey, as he demonstrated the simple popping motion. “Not too hard, but not too soft either. Like you’re jabbing a potato.” Though he didn’t asphyxiate, paramedics had to resort to CPR, and Mr. Jennings will be spending the night in hospital to ensure his full recovery. He heaped praise upon the paramedics and their ingenious simple popping motion.

Sgt. Harris has issued advice to those worried about a similar fate. “Any one who thinks too much is obviously at risk of being trapped in thought bubbles, but to be frank, anyone who thinks at all is actually at risk,” cautioned the sergeant. The local police station will be issuing an easily understood scale demonstrating who is most at risk.


Fig. 2, Frodologists have little to fear... as long as they behave

Practical advice accompanies the scale, suggesting that casual thinkers such as Catholics and Frodologists are the least at risk from their own thought bubbles. The police station will also be handing out pamphlets demonstrating the simple popping motion.


Fig. 3, The simple popping motion

Mrs. Jennings is considering buying her husband a Nintendo Wii to diminish the likelihood of it happening again. As the company chiefly responsible for obstructing the creative thoughts of an entire generation, Nintendo is reportedly “thrilled” that Mrs. Jennings thought of them first.

Atheist blogroll

Frodology has joined the Atheist blogroll in a valiant attempt to find a wider audience. It should in no way be considered whoring, prostitution, or any other seedy analogy involving harlots.

On a more serious note, we feel this will be an excellent way to touch base with many would be-Frodologists. The site provides a running list of popular and frequently updated atheist-themed blogs. Feel free to take a look.

Why am I still using the royal 'we' when everyone knows it's just one person responsible for writing this blog? Call it smug self-importance.