The Bible: a book review

Literary critics make a living out of cutting arrogant writers down to size. It seems only fitting that a tome whose author had the audacity to call it ‘the Book’ should eventually come under the microscope. How it escaped for two millennia without eliciting much in the way of derision is nigh on inconceivable. Perhaps minority religions go out of their way to avoid offending Christians in the hope that they will be spared the universal reach of God’s gnarled pointy finger. Does Frodology have such compunctions? No, it does not.


Lacking in character

Contrary to the misleading subheading, one of the biggest problems with the Bible is its overabundance of characters. In contrast to The Lord of the Rings, which has a tightly knit cast of a dozen or so main protagonists, the Bible is filled to the gunnels with Semites, Messiahs and whores. It has more characters than War & Peace, which has so many names to keep track of, I’ve never even read it.

And seven tribes of Israel is far too many. A quick scan of the literary canon reveals that great stories thrive on dialectics. Montagues v Capulets, Greeks v Persians, Confederacy v Union, Americans v Indians, Columbus v the convention of naming civilizations according to where they actually come from. Things aren’t much clearer in the New Testament either, with Romans, Jews, Gentiles, and Jedis all vying for control of the galaxy.


Fig. 1, Episode VII: Return of the Jesus

Suspending disbelief and sheer boredom at the same time

Since the fantasy genre only came into being centuries after the Bible was written, much of it reeks of implausibility. One character reaches the ripe old age of 950, which stretches the imagination a little. Unless it was set on Mercury, which has quite short years. Perhaps it was set on Mercury.

It wasn’t set on Mercury. And worse still is the all too frequent literal reliance on deus ex machina to get the story going again. When the hero of the New Testament meets his end too soon, the author makes the novice decision to resurrect him, putting the book on par with day time soap operas. And when Moses is leading his people out of Egypt, the author was stymied by his own poor geography, cornering the Jews against the Red Sea. “What now?” the author must have thought. “I can’t just have Moses part the Red Sea. Oh wait, no, I can just have him part the Red Sea!” Faced with such cheap tricks, I would have been happier with an aborted exodus.


Fig. 2, The Red Sea defies gravity while God defies talent

The New Testament also employs a narrative device whereby it retells the same story from four different perspectives, subtly changing details at times and outright contradicting itself at others. Its cleverness has perhaps been diminished by the recent box office mediocrity of the movie Vantage Point, which employed a similar device ad nauseam. Readers will therefore probably tire of the trick, as it has been executed more ably by authors such as, off the top of my head, J.R.R. Tolkien. The Dead Sea Scrolls suggest that the author already disposed of the worst of the offenders, but the tedium is such that editors of subsequent revisions would be advised to cut these ‘Gospels’ down to just two, or perhaps even one. Zero is also a good number.


Plotting and scheming

The plot itself is predictable, but this is as much to do with the protagonist’s tribulations being revealed as ‘prophecies’ much earlier in the book as it is to do with it just being a crappy story. One of the critical elements of the story feels so contrived one suspects the author of reverse engineering it. In the protagonist’s eyes, copulation is such a heinous sin that he later has to become a martyr in order to exculpate everyone for their own existence, begging the obvious question as to when and why progeny inherit the guilt of their own parents for sins which they weren’t alive to prevent. It would have been far more realistic for all concerned to celebrate rather than mourn his death. After all, nobody asked him to die for them. And this brings me to another point: whence the immorality of sex? The protagonist’s demonic obsession with the dirty deed is such that one smells a severe case of sexual repression. The character was clearly a closet homosexual. Why didn’t the author make more of this avenue?


Fig. 3, 32/M, loves cooking, Sex & the City, and spin class

All's well that shouldn't have been written in the first place

All in all, this novel is poorly written and stretches the imagination too far at times. It also comes across as too preachy. By contrast, Frodo’s message can be so subtle that many ignorami have been unaware until recently that Frodo is a prophet and a God, and worthy of worship as our Messiah. While the movie adaptation may be more accessible to modern audiences, its overt anti-Semitism is still a little off color. The crash of the Hindenburg is more surprising than Mel Gibson’s dislike of Jews. By way of advice to the Bible’s author as regards a sequel, I will say only this. Don’t presume you’re above editing, respect rather than resent your audience, and for Frodosake, get your head out of the clouds!

Tips for surviving the Rapture

We recently reported that we believe the Frodocalypse to be imminent. While we still believe this to be so, there are approximately a lot of other religions out there all racing to the bottom. For reasons unfathomable to us, Christianity seems to be the current favorite. That's approximately 33.06% of the world all clamoring for the End of Days.

Should that come to pass, we have compiled this handy guide for Frodologists looking to survive the Rapture. With any luck, you'll be safe and sound when the streets start running with blood!

I'm not sure why that's funny.

1. Head to the closest yacht club, or better yet, country club. There should be a high enough concentration of wasps there that God will just beam them up without paying too much attention. Women should wear several kilos worth of pearls, and men should pretend to be totally disinterested in their wives and children.


2. Avoid universities, museums, observatories, zoos, this blog, and other places of learning. Since he is a monkey, God is envious of our ability to learn and better ourselves. These locations are all ripe for a smite.


3. Since people were shorter in Biblical times, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are expected to be riding Shetland ponies. These are easily outrun by everything from Segways to tumbleweeds. They also lose confidence at the sight of water. The Horsemen themselves are also expected to be laden down with heavy armor and the burden of their own non-existence.


Fig. 1, The Rapture is easily survived even by fat people

4. If you're getting desperate, you might have to prepare yourself to kidnap Jesus. After all, they can't carry out the Rapture without Him. If you're organized, prepare a kit beforehand. Rope, chloroform, and mace are staples of any kidnappers' duffel bag. Ironically, since it appears that Jesus may be a vampire, try taking a cross and holy water along. If you find yourself unprepared, a blunt 2x4 is always worth a shot.


Fig. 2, Things that go bump on the Semite

5. If all else fails, bury your head in the sand.

Fig. 3, This gentleman has the right idea

Scholars discover killing not a sin

Talmudic scholars revealed today their discovery that the famous 6th Commandment, "thou shalt not kill", is actually a misnomer. It resulted from a mistranslation of an early Hebrew text, documenting Moses' ascension of Mount Sinai to transcribe the Ten Commandments as dictated by an apparently illiterate God. The text has always been difficult to decipher, due to the abundance of Bronze Age coffee stains on it.

It is now thought that the correct translation is "thou shalt not sugar thy grapefruit".

Grapefruit enthusiasts worldwide have soured at the news. However, local apple eater Chester Graves opined to reporters "if you want a sweet fruit, eat a sweet fruit!" His sage words have grounded what was threatening to turn into an escalating debate on the nature of sweetening citrus fruits.

Theology professor Jill Hall, from the University of British Columbia, commented on the rationale behind the Commandment. "It's quite clear that grapefruit are the result of an early attempt to design oranges. The much more successful orange, being both sweet and succulent, has spawned many spin-offs and is in many ways the poster child for citrus fruit. It's probable that God just doesn't want to be reminded of His earlier failure." Asked whether this jeopardizes the Almighty's claim to be omnipotent, Professor Hall responded "I think He has bigger problems since he was revealed to be a monkey."

The scholars do however fear that the revelation will turn areas of religious distrust into battlegrounds. "The commandment not to kill isn't found anywhere else in the Bible, Torah, or Qu'ran. I guess it's just not a sin," remarked one of the researchers. However initial reports from Palestine, Kurdistan and Kashmir show that militants are not fazed by the news, and that the situation is "essentially unchanged".


Fig. 1, With a conscience undaunted by murderous revenge, many now anticipate the early second coming of Christ

There is one surprising result from all of this which has emerged in the entertainment world. As an incentive to portray the role of Moses in a powerful and convincing manner in the 1956 film The Ten Commandments, actor Charlton Heston was contractually entitled to a pecuniary award to reflect moviegoers' more ethical behavior after watching the film. Since it is no longer a sin, Mr Heston's estate now receives a stipend every time someone is murdered.

In the wake of the revelation, state and federal legislatures in the United States are reviewing their statutes to bring criminal law into line with the new Judeo-Christian stance on killing. "Basically, we're allowing it," said a junior senator from Nevada. The mayors of Detroit and New York were reportedly pleased as this would certainly ease the burden on police resources. From prison, the recently incarcerated OJ Simpson is cursing his luck. "All this time, I've been named after the wrong fruit."

This development has surprisingly overshadowed the discovery made earlier this week that all Ten Commandments were actually an ironic attempt at satire by a Biblical-era comic, Jezebel the Amuser. Jezebel was thought to have modeled the Commandments on morals totally opposite to that which pervaded at the time. Indeed, in the Levant of ancient history, it was commonplace for children to disrespect their parents and for spouses to cheat on each other. People stole, killed, and forgot the Sabbath. It was a place where people worshiped false idols and did things in archaic language to their neighbors. In other words, it was a lot like modern day, suggesting that Christianity has failed to make a lasting impact in its two thousand year run.



Fig. 2, God handing down the Ten Commandments, as traditionally conceived of by Christians

Women not discriminated against because they deserve it

Frodology made headlines today following boisterous outcries by recently admitted clergy members accusing the Faith of sex discrimination. The allegations involved a wage disparity, and were met with earnest care when they came to the attention of Faith authorities. The authorities then discovered that the claimants in question were women, and quickly dismissed the complaint, as women are neither able to hold clergy positions nor allowed to complain about anything.

This is just the most recent episode in a series of complaints against the Faith accusing the authorities of sex discrimination. Only last month, a group of female activists sent a petition to their local Fro'Moe regarding the lack of educational opportunities for women in the Faith. Certain sections within the Faith hierarchy are concerned that women will be less informed on issues such as Intelligent (But Not Perfect) Design and the inspiring story of Frodo's life. However, the overwhelming decision was that attempting to educate women to the level of men would be an undue burden on Faith resources. This decision was reached following the revelation that women were designed by a god evolutionarily inferior to that which designed men.


Fig. 1, The paramecium, the slowest of the single cell gods

Following that discovery, all women holding a decision-making capacity within the Faith were replaced by men. Further restricting the permitted activities of Frodologist women then became much easier. Some critics accused the Faith of filibustering. The Council of Fro'Moes, or Fro'Moe'Co, has however concluded that 'filibuster' was probably coined by a woman, and as such, has no place in the dictionary.


Fig. 2, That would probably have looked better filigreed

Other activities women are preventing from taking part in include going outside unaccompanied and talking to males to whom they are not related. While perhaps appearing heavy-handed, the measure is in fact for their own protection. Many religions around the globe are right in concluding that women need saving from themselves.

This is reflected in the clothing that Frodologist women must now wear. In a survey conducted amongst Frodologist men as to what one thing they found least sexually attractive, the overwhelming response was a sack of potatoes.


Fig. 3, The pie chart itself was found to be more attractive than Bristol Palin

A sack of potatoes was thus the obvious choice on which to base compulsory female attire. The clothing was however designed with a humane ethos in mind. The sack is dark in color, often black, so that women can blend into shadows and not feel self-conscious for looking like a sack of potatoes. Also, since all women will look essentially the same, they will not be tempted into vain pursuits such as makeup and exercise. The sack also features cutting edge wicking nylon, an integrated iPod pocket, and reflective panels.


Fig. 4, But it's also ugly as hell

Some critics have noted that the potato sacks make women look like Ringwraiths, the soulless, withered hell spawn that hounded Frodo's every step on his quest to destroy the Ring. Faith authorities have hinted that this may not be a coincidence. "Evil has but one face," was the enigmatic response of one Fro'Moe.

Groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union have decried these measures as deplorable sex discrimination. Frodologist officials are however of the opinion that it is not discrimination since women deserve it. "Frodo was clear about the vices of women when he said 'Women should [not] be treasured and adored. Every man worth his salt knows he's ... the better half of the marriage.'" It is expected that this caveat will cleverly skirt equal treatment legislation on both sides of the Atlantic.

In any case, Frodology is not the only religion to be concerned with claims of sex discrimination. The trend is generally not recent, and in some is thought to be tied in to the very fabric of the faith.


"No, YOU listen. Your mother promised me a daughter!"

Is my child becoming a heathen?

It is an irrefutable fact that as time marches on, the frequency of global calamities increases.



Fig. 1, The shit is getting real

We confidently presume that this is indication of the impending Frodocalypse. That being the case, prudent parents will want to ensure their children are fit for service in the afterlife. Did I say service? I meant holiday.

But what if you suspect your child is becoming a heathen? How can you tell? Our guide will help you detect apostasy under your roof in any guise.

Scenario 1
If you're watching The Lord of the Rings and your child comes in and tells you that it's either (a) trash, or (b) fiction, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?

Your child needs to see that you are in control, but also that you are a rational person with rational beliefs. The best way to communicate this is to throw the remote control at your child. Accompany this gesture with shrill yelling. The yelling need not consist of coherent thoughts; in fact, if you shriek in gibberish, your child may be convinced that you are speaking in tongues and see the true divinity of your plight.


Scenario 2
If your are getting ready to go to evening mass, and your child says that he or she would prefer to stay at home and watch TV, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
Depending on the degree of obstinancy being displayed by your child, several escalating tactics may be necessary. First, try cutting the power cable to the TV with scissors. Since you now have a handy piece of cable in your grasp, try using this to whip some sense into your child. Ultimately it may be necessary to put your foot through the TV screen. Ensure you are wearing closed toe shoes when doing this. Note that 'footing the screen' is more effective on older, CRT televisions. If you own a modern plasma or LCD TV, you should first consider explaining to your local Fro'Moe why you have so much money to burn. Always remember that it's possible that you could be the sinner in any given scenario.

If after all this your child is still sitting watching a blank screen, he or she may be deaf or retarded, in which case you've got a bigger problem.


Scenario 3
If you are collecting the weekly stipend from your child in accordance with Frodo's tithing laws, and he or she suggests that it be given to a 'worthier cause', you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
Usurious interest is frequently a crippling tool for those looking to gain control of a situation. Frodo's Law allows aggrieved parents to repossess their children's property and sell it to make up outstanding payments. To ensure it doesn't happen again, we recommend taking a physical lien over your child's favorite possessions. For those unfamiliar with the jargon, a lien is essentially hostage-taking. For more information on heavy-handed coercion and how to use it to your advantage, we recommend From Duress to Success, available for $21.95 from any good bookstore .

Scenario 4
If you discover your child reading the Bible, Koran, any other purportedly holy scripture, or anything by Carl Sagan or Richard Dawkins, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
As in all of these scenarios, it is best to act quickly and assume your child is guilty rather than lose time while he or she attempts to explain the situation. He or she may claim to be merely 'confused' or 'expanding his horizons'. Since the Faith is a Universal Truth which obviates the need for external fulfillment, your child is clearly mistaken. Replacing the book with The Lord of the Rings when your child is not looking may be subtle and effective. If not, try hollowing out the book and filling it with the remains of a dead pigeon. Most importantly, DO NOT read the heathen book yourself since heresy is contagious.


Fig. 2, Your pigeon may not have a tongue

Scenario 5
If your child refuses to join hands with your family in prayer before eating a meal at a restaurant, you've got an apostate.

What should I do?
Do not let the public setting throw you. Being vocal and demonstrative in front of strangers will only help your child to see the error of his or her ways. Repeating the same question louder and more frantically each time is a good way to start. For example: "Do you reject the Lord Frodo? Do you reject the Lord Frodo? The Lord Frodo?! Do you REJECT Him?!! Do you?!? DO YOU REJECT THE LORD FRODO?!" For added emphasis, try standing up as you reach a crescendo. If this causes your milkshake and basket of home style fries to fall to the floor, so much the better. Finally, don't be afraid to be inclusive. Try to involve neighboring tables by adding their indignation to your own. If this still doesn't work, punctuate your performance with a visceral, blood curdling primal scream.

We would be remiss in our duties if we suggested that this was in any way a complete list. Please look upon it as guidance only, as your child could demonstrate his or her unbridled heresy in countless other ways. However, the techniques suggested can serve as useful starting point. And remember: don't forget to improvise!


This website in general and this article in particular are and are intended to be entirely humorous and satirical. The content of this article is not serious, and is not endorsed or intended to be acted upon in any way. No responsibility is assumed for those failing to heed this message.

Intelligent (but not perfect) design

Fig. 1, Not that intelligently designed

The credibility of a belief, be it theological or otherwise, is often made or broken by its stance on evolution and creationism. There is an enormous amount of pressure on deities to take credit for designing species past and present, and many find the prospect of glory too much to resist. Just last week, Tom Cruise buckled and admitted to creating a species of nematodes in his image.


Fig. 2, Scientists believe that egg thing next to the worm
is probably Katie Holmes

The source of this pressure is twofold: first, it lends credence to religious dogma that may not have been written contemporaneously. Second, it helps to demonstrate the omnipotence of the deity in question.

But Frodology is not bound by Christian dogma, and Frodo can prove His omnipotence in other ways, such as through His mastery of Rock Band.

The Faith’s ethos is best summed up by the views of our resident scienceism expert, Frodologist Prof. J. Toss, who has read an entire book on the subject. “At first glance, the creatures of the planet do seem intelligently designed. The inclusion of breathing and sight in many organisms was really quite clever. Making reproduction fun was certainly a coup, and the inclusion of the appendix in our own species demonstrates a certain divine sense of humor”.

However, to take just our own species, we certainly aren’t perfect. Prof. Toss points to our shortgevity and susceptibility to diseases by way of example. “Including a ‘sleep’ button might have been helpful to people suffering insomnia, and ‘plug and play’ organ swapping would be a real boon.”


Fig. 3, Hot swappable stomach, ISO13485 compliant: "a real boon"

Professor Toss thus concludes that, while we certainly show signs of intelligent design, there’s a lot left wanting. After all, a dog shows signs of intelligence. The lack of such obvious attributes as described above suggest that we are in fact not the work of an omnipotent being. Instead, it is now obvious that we were designed by an evolutionarily primitive god.

Some observers have called our Creator the “special needs god”, but Prof. Toss prefers the analogy of the baboon. “He was probably too busy playing with His own ass to fix a lot of obvious flaws in His designs.” The professor suggests that His failure to stamp out human vices such as jealousy, hatred, and transfats, demonstrates considerable lack of emotional maturity on the part of the Almighty.

By contrast, more evolutionarily advanced gods have created things like quantum physics and conceived of the seventh dimension. Our God appears on burnt pieces of toast.


Fig. 4, Evolution of the gods

As can be seen from the illustration, the most advanced gods obviate the need for their own existence through achieving utter perfection.

At this point, Frodologists will be concerned to know how evolutionarily advanced their Messiah is. We are proud to report that Frodo has never even considered taking credit for designing humans. He is of the opinion that if Jehovah wants that ignominious distinction, He can have it. Frodo is however hard at work on designing the Human 2.0. Reviving a German project initially begun in the 1940s, Frodo has gone back to the drawing board to overhaul our species’ design. The US Army has expressed interest in funding the project, while Georgia Tech is providing the necessary expertise. Frodo is confident that the new model will be a success. "As a hobbit, I'm much more evolutionarily advanced than the Creator of the Human 1.0. Natural selection actually finished off all His ilk yonks ago. He's the last one left!"

Unfortunately, as lack-witted as our Creator may be, He has got a crack team of lawyers. They are currently threatening to sue Frodo for an injunction over copyright and patent abuses in connection with the design of the Human 2.0. As the Creator of the Human 1.0, He is believed to have exclusive rights to the design.

The case continues.

Sun angry God credited for beautiful sunsets

The sun spoke out today for the first time about the increasing number of its beautiful sunsets which are being attributed to God. The outburst occurred today at a Mormon wedding reception in Oahu, Hawaii. Witnesses agree that it occurred shortly after the mother of the bride exclaimed that the sheer beauty of the sky's celestial palette reassured her of God's magnanimous beneficence and reinforced her devotion to Him. Actually, it was more like "gee, that sunset sure is super. It really makes me feel closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. Like I feel like I really know him when I see that."

Confused onlookers admitted to being surprised to hear the voice coming from above. Not knowing any better, they attributed it to God, only angering the sun more.

The sun was pissed

Later on the sun calmed down and tried to explain the nature of its grievances. It became clear that he does not understand why the credit for all his hard work is continually given to God. Frustrated at the lack of appreciation, the sun finally decided to speak out. "Who is this 'God' anyway? I've never even met the guy, but I'm up there all the time in the sky working my ass off. People show their friends their holiday snaps, and it's 'God' again. I'm right there in the freakin' picture!"


The sun alleges that is him there in the freakin' picture, not God

With the sun setting somewhere on Earth during every second of the day, the frequency of mistaken praise received by God must be enormous, and the sun's chagrin should perhaps not come as a surprise. The sun wanted to make it clear that he is not angry at God per se, but he certainly feels He could be doing more to set the record straight. "At least humans have dropped the whole Apollo thing. I'm not a deity, I'm just a flaming ball of gas."

The sun believes that taking all the credit when something goes right smacks of double standards when everything’s just sort of ho hum the rest of the time.


Three notes in harmony

The sun’s angry outcry against the Almighty follows on the footsteps of other disenfranchised groups such as the Coalition of Independent Ova and Snowflakes for an Atheist Tomorrow. A representative for CIO explained that many ova worldwide feel that they deserve more attention for the role they play in creating foetuses. “Conception? Yep, that’s us. Babies’ smiles? Us again. Haven’t a clue why people think God has anything to do with it. Never even met the guy.”

Frodo however spoke out on behalf of God. "Yeah, he could be doing more, and I'll grant you he's not perfect. But he is pretty old, and in spite of that he's doing a reasonable job. Plus you can't really blame him for pulling out of Michigan. It was a lost cause." At this point the interviewer asked Frodo what the hell he was talking about. "Oh, I thought you were talking about Senator McCain." When prompted about God, Frodo admitted "actually, I've never even met the guy."

God was not available for comment.