Crime and sin soon to be same thing

Mainstream religion was vindicated in the United States today when an increasingly desecularized government announced that crime and sin would soon become one and the same thing. In a public initiative known as ‘crimesin’, all crimes will be viewed as morally heinous in the eyes of God, and all sins as offenses against the State.

Answering criticism that crimesin will simply overload the justice system and overcrowd prisons, the Attorney General argued that precisely the opposite will happen. In the plan he outlined, misdemeanors will be dealt with by saying a few Hail Marys, while only the most important crimesins, such as blasphemy, will require the involvement of the courts.

Another element to the crimesin regime is the streamlining of penance and sentences in pentances. Pentances can be issued by priests following a confession, in which case there is no need to seek the courts’ involvement. It is thought that this will be the source of justice favored by murderers, and legal draftsmen expect it to kick start a homicide self-policing system, whereby killers will seek out priests for justice and save precious police resources.

Some of the less religiously inclined members of the public have spoken out against crimesin, arguing that it violates the separation of church and state. The Attorney General agreed, saying “that’s exactly what we were going for, since under the new regime, secularism itself will become a crimesin”.

Due to the principle of religious equality established by the First Amendment to the US Constitution, equal weight will be afforded to activities viewed as sinful by each genuine religion. Questioning the historicity of Frodo and portraying Him in a disrespectful manner will thus both be crimesins.

Religious satire looks set to become a crimesin as well, which poses grave questions about the continuing existence of Mormonism and Scientology. Leaders of both religions are facing an uphill struggle to convince government officials of the genuineness of their faiths, as authorities are understandably skeptical of any mention of aliens or secret mystical tablets.

By far the biggest winner from the establishment of crimesins will be Christianity, whose hold on the public’s imagination has been steadily eroding since the public realized it could think for itself. Coupled with growing awareness of the risk of thinking too much, however, Christianity looks set to benefit from the harsh pentances that will be doled out to heretics and unbelievers.

One potential hurdle has however given some commentators pause for thought, and that is how Christianity will tackle the doctrine of Original Crimesin. Since Christians are born guilty, it will be interesting to see whether this particular crimesin commands a custodial pentance, or just community service.

The Beforelife

The soul market is a competitive one, and it’s no secret that the various faiths proffer tantalizing benefits to count you among their members. Mormons supply you with quaint underwear, and Scientologists offer the unique experience to die in circumstances of appalling medical negligence. Many, however, save a few bucks with the winning idea of the afterlife. Christians are promised eternal bliss, while Islamic martyrs also receive 72 virgins, bounty apparently not already encompassed in the definition of “eternal bliss”.

That souls are eternal is a conclusion we can all happily draw without expending time or money to research the question. Frodologist theologians have however identified an enormous period in the soulspan in which its salvation is not being catered for: the period before birth, or as we call it, the beforelife.

Mark Twain wrote that “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” Perhaps he wasn’t inconvenienced, but that’s not aiming very high is it? What if you could prepare for your entire life ahead of time, so that you could forget it all at infancy, and spend the rest of your life remembering it until dementia took over so you could forget it again.

Of course, if you’re reading this, you’ve already missed the opportunity to enjoy the beforelife. But since appeals to their unborn children are generally effective on religious types, think about how much your child could benefit from his or her beforelife. All you have to do is join Frodology, and profess your belief in Frodo. If you’re already a Frodologist, don’t worry, your unborn child is from this very moment, enjoying his beforelife. Just ensure your membership dues are up to date, and you can officially consider yourself a good parent.

Still not sold on the idea? Can’t see what benefit a beforelife offers? Maybe you’re wondering, “what if my child’s actual life is a huge disappointment compared to his beforelife?” Well maybe you should bone up on your parenting. Or you could think of your beforelife like a trailer. At the cinema, don’t trailers make you think “gee, I can’t wait to see that!”? Perhaps you wouldn’t say “gee”. That’s understandable. It’s kind of gay.



And if that doesn’t make you want your children to experience salvation through a beforelife, I give up. Choose Christianity, or some damn thing.

The beforelife: having one is as simple as choosing to have one.

Oliver Stone sued over “Q.” copyright infringement

Legendary playwright Arthur F. Haywood briefly rose from the dead today to file a lawsuit against filmmaker Oliver Stone, alleging copyright infringement over Stone’s new film, W. The recently undead dramatist claims authorship of the play Q., an 1830 satirical lampooning of former President John Quincy Adams.

While the courts were initially skeptical of the undead author’s claims, and it was universally agreed that not only would Haywood’s copyright have long expired, but also that the play predated copyright law itself, judges allowed the lawsuit to proceed on the basis that doing so would outrage many and make a good story.

With a voice box more or less totally decomposed, the undead playwright used exaggerated charades and hand gestures to communicate the nature of the infringement. Haywood treated audiences to a silent comparative scene-by-scene analysis of the two pieces, occasionally banging a loose femur on the podium for emphasis.

It slowly became clear that the plot of Q., in which the spoilt son of a soon-to-be President is coddled through life by his family’s connections, until he too becomes President, is uncomfortably similar to Stone’s story about the life of President George W. Bush. Further similarities include the dubious circumstances under which both Presidents finagled election victory, and highly criticized and abortive domestic policies. Adams left behind a career in law to be President and had many children. Bush broke the law to be President and left behind many children. Adams was a staunch abolitionist. Bush had a black cabinet member.



Even W.’s tagline echoes that of Q.’s, which reads “Aught boie of exceeding fatuity shall yet aspire to be President.” Or something.

Oliver Stone is reportedly furious at actor Richard Dreyfuss, alleging that since Dreyfuss is the only surviving cast member from Q., “he should have known better.” Dreyfuss played Adams’ Vice-President John C. Calhoun in Q., and while he generally received positive reviews, critics noted at the time that he was “some what olde for the role.”

What is certain is that Stone could have done without the controversy. Though he maintains his innocence, the jury is likely to be leery of the debacle surrounding his film JFK, which drew controversy for its overt similarity to 19th Century play AL. Undeterred, however, Stone plans to base his next Presidential movie on Reagan and his aborted plans for a ballistic missile defense system. “I’ve already got a great idea for the name,” he admitted with a sly grin.

Atheist gets trapped inside own thought bubble

An emergency call was placed today by the distressed wife of a prominent atheist. The woman described her husband as “stuck in a bubble”, but it was only on the fourth call back that the emergency operator realized she was not speaking metaphorically. Indeed, when an ambulance arrived, the man was found literally stuck inside a cartoony thought bubble.

“My husband thinks a lot,” Mrs. Jennings told reporters. “But before this happened, I wouldn’t have said he thought too much.” Precisely how it happened is still being investigated, but it would seem that Mr. Jennings became stuck sometime before midnight. An avid blog reader, Mr. Jennings spends several hours of his day trolling religious blogs and responding to their posts with implacable stamina. As such, Mr. Jennings is no stranger to inane arguments and baseless leaps of faith.

It would seem however that one particular post totally floored poor Mr. Jennings, such that he was at a complete loss for words. “The thought bubble must have opened shortly after reading the first idiotic sentence,” mused investigating sergeant, Bill Harris. “When he couldn’t find words to fill it, the vacuum in the bubble probably just sucked him right in.”


Fig. 1, Cartoon thought bubbles are rarely a cause for laughter

Mr. Jennings was luckily rescued from the bubble by a simple popping motion. “I grabbed a fork, and just sort of went like this,” recalls paramedic Dave Bailey, as he demonstrated the simple popping motion. “Not too hard, but not too soft either. Like you’re jabbing a potato.” Though he didn’t asphyxiate, paramedics had to resort to CPR, and Mr. Jennings will be spending the night in hospital to ensure his full recovery. He heaped praise upon the paramedics and their ingenious simple popping motion.

Sgt. Harris has issued advice to those worried about a similar fate. “Any one who thinks too much is obviously at risk of being trapped in thought bubbles, but to be frank, anyone who thinks at all is actually at risk,” cautioned the sergeant. The local police station will be issuing an easily understood scale demonstrating who is most at risk.


Fig. 2, Frodologists have little to fear... as long as they behave

Practical advice accompanies the scale, suggesting that casual thinkers such as Catholics and Frodologists are the least at risk from their own thought bubbles. The police station will also be handing out pamphlets demonstrating the simple popping motion.


Fig. 3, The simple popping motion

Mrs. Jennings is considering buying her husband a Nintendo Wii to diminish the likelihood of it happening again. As the company chiefly responsible for obstructing the creative thoughts of an entire generation, Nintendo is reportedly “thrilled” that Mrs. Jennings thought of them first.

Frodo behind 78% of world’s good

Frodology has conclusively surpassed Christianity in its claim to be the supreme moral arbiter of civilizations past and present. Christianity’s argument is based on its notion that without God, people are basically immoral fiends who bathe in the blood of unbaptized children and don’t reuse their plastic bags. Prominent atheists reject this claim, confoundingly purporting that people can be good of their own volition. Wait, didn’t we just read about people bathing in blood?


Fig. 1, Everything bad you've ever thought about an atheist is true

The problem with Christianity, however, is that it has never been able to quantify what proportion of the world’s benevolence is attributable to their God. While certain apologists will tell us that all of the goodness in the world is the direct result of Yahweh being a beneficent deity, this rings a little hollow. It is for one thing woefully unscientific. For instance, the Christian God makes no mention of dolphins, so preoccupied is He with the morality of man. On the contrary, dolphins are one of the few truly altruistic species on the planet. Why only last week they single handedly disabled and sank Paris Hilton’s private yacht, to the vast amusement of all.

Frodologist scientists, however, have conclusively proven that Frodo is behind at least 78% of the world’s good. Though the remaining 22% remains unaccounted for, Frodo’s lead is unassailable. Already, lesser deities are conceding to His greater moral authority and considering selling their minority stakes. Zeus is reportedly regretful that he expended so much energy on vengeance. “People look for different qualities in their overlords these days, but on the plus side, now I can focus on my music without having to worry about my worthless subjects.”

Christians are wondering where their God went wrong. After all, Yahweh was for so long a savvy deity, reinventing himself as the zeitgeist required. Like David Bowie, he jumped from being a jealous, embittered Jehovah in the Old Testament, to being a loving, forgiving daddy in the New. Somewhere in the subsequent 2,000 years, however, God clearly dropped the ball. The Archbishop of Canterbury admits that the writing was on the wall as far back as Jesus. “We should’ve recognized something was amiss when God could only show his face to the world through a totally different person. He probably couldn’t handle being genuinely nice. It was all smoke and mirrors.”


Fig. 2, Parenting comes easy to no one

Tired clichés aside, Christians are at odds as to when precisely God lost His dominance in the moral market. Some argue it was the First Crusade, in 1099. Others the Second Crusade. Still others believe it was the Third. A minority believe that God still had some moral authority in the early years of the 13th Century, and it was the slightly less early years of the same century that saw his undoing with the Fourth Crusade. Crusades Fifth through Ninth are not considered to have killed enough innocents to be seriously turpitudinous.

Lest this start to look like a guided tour of Christianity’s foibles through the annals, readers should remember that Frodology has a score to settle. So please, humor us while we examine a few more:

• The Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834, approx. 150,000 killed)
  
• Salem witch trials (1692-3, nineteen innocent witches hanged)
  
• Black Death (1340s, approx. 75 million killed because Christians weren’t praying hard enough)
  

Not all of Jesus’ flock are as quick to abandon their religion as the Archbishop however. In an interesting example of double standards, at least six Christians are demanding to see evidence of Frodology’s claim before ditching their faith, evidence being the one thing they did not require in order to start believing in the first place. When this contradiction was pointed out to the hypocritical half dozen, four withdrew their request, leaving a pair of Christians still unconvinced of Frodo’s moral superiority.

Luckily, Frodologist authorities have an ace up their sleeves. “Ordinarily considered a logical fallacy, the ‘appeal to popularity’ technique was frequently employed by majority Christians to get others to adopt their beliefs. It’s sort of like peer pressure. Now that Frodology is morally on top, we see no reason why they shouldn’t accept our fallacious reasoning.”

Frodology wins bidding war for Hell

Share prices in Frodology and its subsidiaries surged today as the morning broke with the news that the Faith was the victor in a tight bidding war to rent out Hell. At a time when the world’s economy is slowing down, and people are turning to religion for lack of a job, Hell has been running low on souls to stoke its fires.

With alternative energy sources beyond Hell’s budget, the government of Hell began to look around for other options. Discovering that its own R&D was at least ten years behind the Soviet Union, and subsequently discovering that the Soviet Union had been non-existent for the past seventeen years, ministers resolved to do something. Having successfully updated their records and history textbooks, they then resolved to do something else, hopefully more useful this time.

It was then that the shadow Minister for Energy suggested outsourcing. With its ovens underutilized, Hell began looking for a religious partner with high forsaking rates amongst its followers. Thus began a fierce bidding war between Frodology and Christianity. Despite the damning of significant subsections of society, such as homosexuals, Democrats, and unbaptized children, the offer of all these souls was not enough for Hell to seal the deal with Christianity.

A minion of Hell later explained to disappointed Christians that “Hell really isn’t a very nice place. Gays, liberals, and unbaptized babies really deserve better.”

Instead it was Frodology that won the contract, breaking a multi-millennial-long affiliation between Hell and Christianity. Asked if the break would not make potential business partners wary of betrayal, Lucifer explained that it is the nature of business, and a necessary part of staying ahead. “We were wary of Christianity’s increasingly stale image, and wanted a fresh, young, energetic partner to help market our brand.” The Devil also noted that frankly, Hell’s services are unique, and the history of mankind suggests that “people will always be coming here.”

Frodologist authorities are reportedly delighted with the deal. With more and more activities being proscribed by the Faith every month, sinners and potential lost souls were really beginning to pile up. “We couldn’t be sure that those Frodo had damned were actually writhing in torment, and not just, you know, rotting in the ground as inanimate corpses.”


Fig. 1, Sinful Frodologists now have more to look forward to after death

The outcome is generally not good news for Christianity, with God now having to find room for His own forsaken. With the End of Days quickly approaching, God admitted that the loss of the contract “couldn’t have come at a worse time.” Sinners are temporarily being sent to Heaven, which is more or less empty, but the influx of the evil means it is quickly becoming an undesirable destination.


Fig. 2, Sinners are ruining it for everyone

Worried Christians are already considering new faiths that won’t make them go there when they die. “Frodologists go to Hell, and Christians go to Heaven, which is quickly becoming Hell. Maybe I don’t need an afterlife after all,” pondered Joey Smith, 16.

The one good bit of news for Catholics is that they no longer have to tithe to the Church, as Hell’s service charge has been assumed by Frodology as part of the deal. Upon hearing this, a bemused Pope Benedict mused “so that’s what it was for!”

Top Fro'Moes declined to comment on the price paid for the contract, but residents of Hell have reported hearing cooing cries of "my precious" of late.


Fig. 3, The Ring may now be in possession of either the Devil, or Mr. Tumnus

“Blessed are the meek” - a closer look

The Gospel of Matthew would have us believe that the meek are blessed because they will “inherit the Earth”. For nearly two thousand years, most mainstream theologians have been happy to go along with this unassuming promise, as it certainly seems harmless enough. Bible researchers have described it as “kind of nice”, and reminiscent of the inside of a Hallmark card.

Recently, however, this chapter of Matthew’s Gospel has come under scrutiny for the questionable logic it bears witness to. It appears that after years of research, the meek have so far accomplished very little. None of the world’s famous monarchs were meek. If they were, they found themselves pushed out of windows, or easily led into damp dungeons with the promise of tasty candy. If the world’s greatest navigators had been meek, the United States would instead celebrate Thank God Columbus Stayed at Home Day. Well actually they wouldn’t, as the continent would still be home to tribes of meek natives, shyly keeping out of each other’s way. There would be no need for peace treaties, peace pipes, or Pocahonti to placate their conquerors.


Fig. 1, Disney didn't believe this version would sell

Games of historical determinism aside, it appears that the meek still refuse to contribute anything of value to the world. A recruiter at one of London’s top management consultant firms assured our reporters that meekness was not a quality that was required of potential employees. “We prefer, you know, people who do stuff”.

Indeed, it appears that “not doing stuff” is the one thing that sets the meek apart from people of worth. Only last month, the world failed to commemorate the passing of meek author Arthur B. Gillingham, who wrote no books of note. Furthermore, the National Meek Badminton League is the only major sporting association in the United States without its own devoted ESPN channel. It is doubtful that a meek person could have genetically engineered dinosaurs from prehistoric DNA recovered from the fossilized remains of mosquitoes.

The likelihood of meekness succeeding on its own is therefore small. Commentators have thus queried whether an outside player will step in at some point and give the meek a helping hand. “They certainly couldn’t do it on their own,” was the overwhelming opinion of all polled wealthy, successful, diligent, attractive, award-winning City lawyers. Still, the inerrancy of Biblical scripture has some worried. After all, it now seems that all that investment bankers will inherit are worthless stock options and suffocating mortgage payments.

“It’s right there in Matthew”, argued the only meek person who didn’t scurry away from our reporters. “It has to be true,” he reasoned, while swatting away a pair of seagulls. “At least I hope it is, because I gave that hobo the keys to my house.” The conclusion urged by these Biblical scholars is to stop trying to accomplish things, because God will give the earth to lazy freeloaders anyway.

We here at Frodology are however deeply alarmed. Frodologists of all stripes are inspired by the journey of Frodo, in which he risked peril upon peril to destroy the One Ring. Sure, he dragged his feet at times. Yes, he had to be bodily dragged out the door by Gandalf. And it’s very possible he sustained that potentially fatal troll wound to avoid having to go to Mordor. But the fact is, Frodo did it. Frodo accomplished something beyond the mere conjuring so beloved of Jesus.


Let us be inspired by this apt passage of Frodo, from The Two Towers, p 258:

“I’m tired, and I don’t think I can scramble among stones much longer tonight…”

Well that’s not the right quote. How about this one, from The Fellowship of the Ring, p 87:

“I do really wish to destroy it! … Or, well, to have it destroyed. I am not made for perilous quests. I wish I had never seen the Ring! Why did it come to me? Why was I chosen?”

Ah, crap. Goddamn Ballantine Books. Ok, well this one is pretty good:

“… The history of evolution is that life escapes all barriers. Life breaks free. Life expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously. But life finds a way.”

Ok, that one’s actually from Jurassic Park. It's still good though.