How to Join Frodology, Part I

Since launching this site a few days back, we have been absolutely inundated with people begging to join The Faith. This is of course only further verification that Frodology is the one True Faith, despite what you may have read earlier about numbers being irrelevant. They are relevant, especially big, growing ones.

Being such a welcoming, genial faith, joining Frodology is as simple as you’d expect. There is just a short list of requirements which I will summarize here (Part II to follow), and which are also available in a 60 page PDF should you require further detail. In fact they’re not even requirements, because it’s not our job to be the Third Reich. Think of them as mandatory suggestions.

First, males must be circumcised. Unlike many other faiths that practice circumcision, Frodology is all about being up to date, with it, contemporary. Being progressive is a priority, you might say. How can you save people if you don’t “get them”? Consequently The Faith is conscious of being labeled as a religion that still lops off foreskins. We just don’t want to seem so musty and Old Testament, even if we are the oldest religion around, which we are. This is why we want to encourage circumcision as a cool thing to do.

Think about it: what could make your friends more jealous? An iPhone? A car? No, they’ll just go out and buy something better. But removing a bit of your genitals is something you can only have done by joining Frodology, at least without it being a crime. Think how unique you’ll be, imagine how crazy the girls will go! No full penises here! And thanks to modern medicine, which we have fully but reluctantly embraced, risk of death from secondary infection is at its lowest level yet.

Females must be circumcised too. It’s not cool, it just has to be done.

All new members must also be hobbitized. This is something that some of you may recognize as similar to baptizing. Superficially, that’s correct. A High Priest will sprinkle Holy Hobbit Oil, or H2O, over inductees’ foreheads such that they may have the Light of Frodo shine upon them. The difference is that in Frodology you’re actually being saved, while in other religions you’re just getting wet.

The last suggestion that Frodology requires is a small membership fee. Luckily for members it’s a technically complex fee structure, so you need not fear we’re making things up. But if you need any explanation of the nature of the charges, it can be found in a separate 30 page PDF, or you can talk to one of our operators on our hotline. Joining Frodology requires a small, discretionary down payment. Think of it as a holding deposit on your soul. After that there’s a small annual fee too, based on a percentage of your annual income, which you could liken to a service charge. Since people expect to pay for service at a restaurant, we think they expect to pay to join a charitable organization too.

That’s all for Part I, see you back here tomorrow for Part II!