Frodo claims the maelstrom

A series of earthquakes in the vicinity of Yellowstone National Park over the past few weeks has given geologists and unqualified, speculating laymen pause for thought, as debate abounds as to who or what is responsible. Experts are nearing consensus on the opinion that the low impact ground tremors are merely the Will of God, and have largely dispelled speculation as to a solely natural cause.

“Tectonic plate movements are frequently used by Jehovah to demonstrate his displeasure,” explained Yellowstone-based scientist, Rick Cavendish. Occurring as they did in late December and early January, the tremors are thought to have had something to do with the approaching inauguration of President Barrack Obama. Cavendish speculated that while God has been happy to have white men sit upon the throne in the United States for the past couple of centuries, He is now expressing anger at the election of a white man with a highly exaggerated suntan. “The Almighty is no fan of gamma rays,” noted Cavendish.

Scientists have been attributing a range of weather conditions to God's Will for several decades now. Explained eminent meteortheologist Gerald Spade, “we now believe avalanches convey God's infinite impatience, and lightning to be an expression of His excitement, sexual or otherwise.”

The conclusion of the meteortheological school is however far from uncontroversial. Traditional meteorologists, for example, have always held that hurricanes are a manifestation of God's anger, while lightning is merely a source of idle entertainment, not unlike playing with a Zippo, or perhaps his dong. Indeed, God has amassed so much of the Vietnamese currency that the central bank is having to issue millions of new banknotes into circulation.

In 2005, scientists nearly came to blows over Hurricane Katrina, which some attributed to the increasing popularity of sodomy, while others pointed out that gay sex rates had changed little over the preceding ever. Meanwhile, displaced residents of New Orleans were happy for the experts to decipher the meaning behind the storm before being rehoused. “Oh, I don't really mind, honey,” opined laundry owner Shaneqwa Matthews in August of that year. “We gots to know why God's making us suffer before they get us outta these army-issued cots, you know what I'm sayin'?”

(click to enlarge, unless you don't care, then screw it)

Certain meteortheological phenomenons have so far been unattributable to the On High, however, and in the lull other deities have spoken up to claim them for themselves. Norse god Odin was reportedly pleased at having secured the flurry for himself, but has since taken flak for choosing the "sissiest of the storms," according to Thor, a casual acquaintance. The Messiah Frodo on the other hand was quick to take responsibility for the maelstrom, a type of ocean whirlpool long feared by sailors and the type of hysterical cruise ship traveler that has no appreciation for how rare they are. Since it was a maelstrom that sank Captain Nemo's submarine the Nautilus at the end of Jules Verne's historical account, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, it is open to speculation whether Monsieur Verne was himself a Frodologist.

Interestingly, due to the recent reemergence of a lost poem recounting Frodo's legendary slaying of the Kraken, scholars have begun to ponder whether the maritime connection is merely a coincidence, or perhaps representative of some unknown facet of Frodological lore.

The debate continues, and witnesses of other nautical events involving the Messiah Frodo are meanwhile encouraged to report them to their local Fro'Moe without delay.

New layout / known issues

Frodologists!

You may have noticed either the new layout, the increased activity in your RSS feed, or perhaps both. I decided that the old layout was a bit distracting and didn't convey the sense of quality that readers might demand from an unprofessional, irregularly published, and largely irrelevant religious satire blog. A few days of tinkering with things I didn't understand, and voilà!

RSS feed

I had to publish the disclaimer and contact and about pages so that I could link to them from the sidebar. They probably don't contain anything you don't already know, so feel free to ignore them.

Reader favorites

There is a link-to-be on the sidebar that will one day take visitors to a list of readers' favorite/favourite Frodlogy posts. If anyone remembers an article which particularly made them laugh, I'd love to know what it is. Thanks!

Known issues

Since I've only been testing the new layout on a separate blog for a couple of days, there are inevitably going to be things wrong with it. Such as:

• The font in the footer is wrong and I can't seem to change it,  so until I do, it's only going to have a picture. 
  
• The page is quite visually intensive which means it might take longer to load on slower browsers. If many people think it's loading too laboriously, let me know by commenting or e-mailing me, and I'll change it.
  
• The fancy little drop shadows at the edges of the main window, sidebar etc were acheived through using images that Internet Explorer 6 doesn't support properly. They work on Internet Explorer 7, Apple Safari, and Google Chrome, and they should display correctly in Mozilla too. If they don't show up, again, let me know. If it's because you're using IE6 or below, well, I don't know how to say this, but you should really get a better browser.

If you find anything else, please let me know!

Frodo's new shirt

Esteemed reader,

In accordance with our policy of greatly valuing the superficial, Frodology will soon be undergoing an aesthetic overhaul. The changes include a few pretty pictures and layout tweaks. If the content improves too, please chalk that up to a coincidence.

To better assume an air of legitimacy, I will be launching the 'beta' phase in the next couple of days. I've read somewhere that one does this to ensure that one's coding is rigorous and sturdy. Since I happily hacked away at the HTML for a few days without caring much about the consequences, or indeed knowing what I was doing, I anticipate that this 'beta' stage may be necessary.

So, when you open your browser and are greeted by the slickest thing since Shia LeBeouf's hair in Indiana Jones, don't be alarmed, you're not in the wrong place.

Slavishly yours,

FrodoSaves

Israel envious of California's San Andreas fault

It emerged earlier this week that Israel, perennial favorite of the Holy Land, has become envious of California, specifically of its San Andreas fault. Experts have long predicted that California is overdue an earthquake large enough for the continental United States to be forever free of it. Whether it results from God's terrible but infinitely loving wrath or the San Andreas fault line is yet to be seen, though scientists admit they would be “surprised” should it turn out to be the former.

Regardless, Israel has cottoned onto the tectonic plate theory as being a plausible solution to the decades' old Israel-Palestine conflict. “We want it to be our fault,” explained an Israeli official, "and pretty soon, it will be". Long a deviser of original fixes for complicated issues, Israel's latest idea has been leapt upon by nearly all parties concerned. The so-called 'Quartet' has openly lauded a new tectonic plate as a “thoroughly practical solution to a hugely incendiary problem”, and at the same time disavowed itself of the Bush administration's Road Map for Peace, now thought to be a thoroughly mundane solution to a drastic vocabulary problem.

In describing the nature of the solution, Israel was quick to thank the early 20th Century British government for its efforts, saying “it's not that the land isn't holy enough – it is, it absolutely is, it's great in fact – but ever since you gave it to us, our neighbors have been jealous and want to use it too.” Warning of the need for restraint, Britain cautioned Israel that it no longer had the receipt for the land, but that it would look for it and if possible inquire with the UN whether store credit was available. It suggested that, should the earthquake idea not work, a second diaspora to Iceland might be a “thoroughly obvious solution to a fairly elementary problem.”

In the event that it is not, Israel is already studying how to implement the tectonic plate idea. “Since our neighbors aren't so fond of us, it might be nice to drift into the Med,” explained Avi Goldberg, an engineer on the project. “Just imagine it: no problems, peaceful Mediterranean island life. I've always wondered what it would like to live on Cyprus.” Popular opinion has swelled behind the idea, abandoning such trite projects as the cooperatively produced 'Peace Oil', long derided as a thoroughly ridiculous olive-based solution to a non-culinary problem.

Critics note however that many of Israel's opponents want an end to its existence, rather than a change in location. “I don't think it's just semantics,” opined one scholar. Yet there is cause for optimism. Recently, Israeli forces discovered members of Hamas planting explosives on Israel's border. After thanking them for their assistance, the bombers were released, and encouraged to finish the job. Citizens are reportedly pleased to see the spirit of the current ceasefire extending across the border.

Tangentially relevant octopus art

A few weeks ago I drew a picture in tribute to PZ Myers, beloved heathen blogger of Pharyngula, depicting a cephalopod battling a gaggle of orcs. Since it is self-evidently a masterpiece of crudely drawn monochrome crossover artwork, it would be a shame to allow the world to be a lesser place for never having seen it. Also, there was no cartoon in my previous post.


"Child of Frodo"

Click to enlarge (and then some)


Frodo be with you all.

What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Frodo?

Since starting this website one of our most frequently received questions from both Frodologists and convert-hopefuls alike is the nature of followers’ relationship with Frodo, praise Him. “What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Him?” they ask. “How is my relationship with Frodo different than my relationship with the Christian God, or the Teletubbies?” others wonder.

While there are satirically-convenient similarities, each follower’s personal relationship with his Lord is quite different to one a Christian might have with his Jesus. It’s better too.

To really understand how a Frodologist communicates with Frodo, and opens his heart in so doing, this article has been laid out in the format of a series of questions.

How can I talk to Frodo?

You can talk to Frodo all the time! Best of all, it’s completely up to you how to do it. Most Frodologists prefer to do it silently, in their head. But if you feel full of faith, you’re free to talk to him out loud as well. You should be warned, however, that since a handful of Frodologists have been pelted with eggs whilst openly praying to Frodo on public transportation, vocal conversations with Him carry their risks.

How is that different than talking to myself?

Talking to yourself is not officially sanctioned by the Faith, and it’s something you can do on your own time.

Will Frodo respond to me?

It is important to remember that Frodo is one of the busiest deities there is, and he may not respond to you. Alternatively, some theologians believe Frodo may have lost the faculty of speech after all these years.

Accordingly, the Council of Fro’Moes have adopted the divinely revealed Doctrine of Silent Assent. This means that should Frodo not respond to a believer’s prayer, the believer can assume that Frodo gives his blessing to the request. In the spirit of the Doctrine, the Fro’Moe’Co was able to adopt it when they submitted it in proposal form to Frodo, asked for his approval, and heard nothing. What a truly fascinating study in applied theology!

This illustrates a key difference between Frodology and other faiths. While other religions might distinguish between wishes (which aren’t granted) and prayers (which are), Frodo simply grants nothing!

On the rare occasion that Frodo does respond to you, contact your local Fro’Moe immediately, as it is vital that the Faith is able to guide you, and not leave you to decipher His Divine Word alone. Also, you will shortly be committed to an institution. It is our experience that Frodo never responds, so you’re probably just mentally ill.

How do I know if He’s listening?

It can sometimes be tricky to distinguish between the Doctrine of Silent Assent and not being heard, but Frodologists can take comfort in the knowledge that Frodo can always hear you. What evidence do we have of that, you ask? Why, it’s right in the definition of “omniscience”! If Frodo is omniscient, then he is aware of everything at all times. It’s as simple as this nice, smooth, Ring of Power-shaped logic.

How do I ask forgiveness?

You can ask forgiveness for a whole raft of crimesins, from adultery through to things you suspect aren’t even sins! Additionally, the Frequent Prayer Program means that repeat offenders can streamline the forgiveness process. In combination with the DSA, the FPP (which was adopted via the DSA) means that the atonement procedure is far quicker than it is in other faiths. So if you feel like sticking it to the neighbor’s wife five nights out of seven, this might just be the religion for you! After all, since Frodo saw fit to make us all feckless crimesinners, it’s a mark of His beneficence that He afforded us this concession.

What do I get from praying to Frodo?

Frodo can give you comfort with His silence. Like the sense of peace you can only get from white noise, or perhaps that disturbing suffocating sensation you get when you enter a sound-proofed room, the complete quiet of an answered prayer gives succor to all believers.

Truly, Frodo has earned his motto, “be neither seen nor heard.”

Do I get to have sex with Frodo?

Frodo is thought to have had an extremely small penis, which would almost certainly leave modern women unsatisfied. This is of course a sign of His holy sanctity, as the female orgasm is a manifestation of Evil. His inability to cause them, even with his stubby little fingers, is surely a sign of His purity.

More questions? Then send 'em in!

Contact

You are welcome to contact me (FrodoSaves) at frodology@yahoo.com.

I welcome questions, comments, complaints, and even the occasional compliment.

If you want to contribute on a one-off or more permanent basis, send me an e-mail and we'll see if we can work something out.