Thursday, December 11, 2008

Is our galaxy really a giant waffle?

It is no secret that Frodo was fond of food. Hobbits were known to eat several meals a day, including two breakfasts. They were champions of cooking, when the men of the world were content simply to gnaw on dirty root vegetables. Some Frodologists even suggested that Frodo was named after a dish which was a particular favorite of hobbits, just as Jesus was named after a type of sand found on the shores of Galilee.

As such, much of a Frodologist’s worldview is shaped by foods. In biology, we shirk kingdoms animal and plant, and embrace the kingdom edible. In art, we focus on those dishes most aesthetically appealing. In mathematics, we forego calculations in favor of a meal. Indeed, the single reason we don’t brand followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster as heretics is because they worship a pasta dish. Why bicker about scripture when you can identify with a similarly enlightened soul?

However, recently our innocuous opinions have come under fire. In particular, the Frodologist belief that our galaxy is actually a giant waffle has attracted a trifle of criticism. Mindful of conciliating with places of learning, we agreed that our position was a little untenable, and were willing to change it such that we accepted it could also be an enormous waffle. Oddly, this didn’t placate the Royal Academy. Neither did gargantuan, colossal, or really really big.

It later became clear that the nature of the grievance against our belief is not the chosen adjective, but the waffle. Many scientists argue that it’s preposterous to believe that our galaxy is a waffle. If you were to believe that, they argue, you might as well believe in sasquatch, la chupacabra, and OJ Simpson, when everyone knows they’re just fairy tales made up to scare children.

Yes, you could believe all that, and we wouldn’t judge you for it in the slightest. Take note, atheists, appealing to a Frodologist’s sense of reality is like barking up the wrong horse.



Some exasperated scientists have taken a lazier tack and requested that we instead provide evidence that our galaxy is a giant waffle. Well, they asked for it. Frodo told us. He revealed it, in a document that has yet to be published, but that shouldn’t detract from its veracity as most certainly not written by people in positions of waffled interest.

In any case, who do scientists think they are to tell us that the galaxy isn’t a giant waffle? After all, situated in the very galaxy we’re trying to get a look at, it’s not like we can photograph ourselves. That would require some sort of huge mirror, just floating there in space besides our galaxy. What total nonsense!

Having catastrophically failed to disprove the Waffle Theory, secular busybodies are now imploring the state that its teaching in schools should not be allowed. That’s fair. It’s not really like belief in a giant waffle is going to help these kids get jobs. It’d probably just be a waste of time.

Finally, the reader may count himself surprised at having reached the end of the article and not having read a single pun about waffling. Frodo moves in mysterious, Jesus-like ways.

8 comments:

Vitamin R said...

However, recently our innocuous opinions have come under fire. In particular, the Frodologist belief that our galaxy is actually a giant waffle has attracted a trifle of criticism. Mindful of conciliating with places of learning, we agreed that our position was a little untenable, and were willing to change it such that we accepted it could also be an enormous waffle. Oddly, this didn’t placate the Royal Academy. Neither did gargantuan, colossal, or really really big.

It's because they're an Institution, man. They're the man, man! Don't expect a fair deal from them. It's like Rush said on 2112 . . . okay, the only part I can remember right now is "I stand atop a spiral stair! An oracle confronts me there!"

That bit's gotten stuck in my head. But the metaphor was totally apropos. Don't trust the system! They'll only stifle you and eventually make you cut your wrists. Your life-blood will spill ooo-verrrr. . . !

If you were to believe that, they argue, you might as well believe in sasquatch, la chupacabra, and OJ Simpson, when everyone knows they’re just fairy tales made up to scare children.

I have actually seen Sasquatch. He is as gentle as he is large.

Though, he's actually not that large.

Finally, the reader may count himself surprised at having reached the end of the article and not having read a single pun about waffling.

Not so much surprised, as . . . disappointed.

Frodo moves in mysterious, Jesus-like ways.

Crimesin! If anything, Jesus moves in mysterious Frodo-like ways! The copycat.

Dani' El said...

According to silly string theory, it's a giant slice of bread.
French toast?
Similar to waffles I suppose.
I'd prefer a Belgian universe to a French one.

And if you continue to refuse to pun, I'm not coming back until you do (start to pun again).

FrodoSaves said...

Dani,

Ah, then you missed the pun about the trifle! You should be paying closer attention!

----------

Vittles,

I once went looking for Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest. Ok I didn't actually go looking for him, but I kept an eye open for the duration of my trip.

It seems that the consensus is that there should generally be more puns in Frodology articles. I can accommodate!

Apologies for the crimesin. I have confessed, and my pentence is a dozen Hail Frodos to be said before the Winter Solstice. Hark! But He is good.

Dani' El said...

Ok.
I had my eye peeled for-
"Eggsestentialist omelette"

sorry...

FrodoSaves said...

Wow, I'm impressed. Maybe you should be writing this instead of me.

Dani' El said...

I prefer to make snide comments from the gallery thanks.

And my knowledge of Tolkien has faded after 45 years, so you carry on.

Actually, I'm envious of your stuff, except for all the sacrilege.
You can go to hell for that.

Cheers!

PS I'm baffled as to why you don't have more readers. Even a mega-cathedral with a mansion and a yacht.

FrodoSaves said...

Actually, I'm envious of your stuff, except for all the sacrilege.
You can go to hell for that.


You're right, it's a possibility, albeit an unlikely one.

I'm baffled as to why you don't have more readers.

I can't figure it out either. I wonder whether some people click on my link and don't realize straight away it's supposed to be satire. Even though it says it in the title bar. Eh, I don't know...

Dani' El said...

You're right, it's a possibility, albeit an unlikely one.

Unless you turn around, it's a surety. You're on the highway to heelll bleagh!

I'm baffled as to why you don't have more readers.

I can't figure it out either. I wonder whether some people click on my link and don't realize straight away it's supposed to be satire. Even though it says it in the title bar. Eh, I don't know...

Y'know what I think it is?
It's not vicious and hateful enough for the tastes of the wicked.
You are too good natured, (though depraved)for their palates.
Or is it the drawings are not crude enough? No it's not that, they are quite crude. ;-)

Like I said before quoting Maxwell Smart,
"If you only used your talents for goodness instead of badness."

I'm being quite honest when I tell you that I would like to have you on our team Frodoslave.
You are serving Satan and don't know it.
There's no spiritual Switzerland friend.
Get off the fence.