Monday, December 15, 2008

Reindeer serial killer on the rampage

Cries of anguish could be heard around the world today at the news that Christmas might have to be delayed. Police in the Northwest Territories reported their discovery of yet another dead reindeer from Santa Claus’ stables, bringing the total to four in just a single week.

While cynical parents bathed in the tears of their disappointed children, many better parents were perplexed as to how they were going to explain to their children that the imaginary Christmas characters that filled their hearts with delight actually existed, but were now mostly dead. A Mormon counselor has advised parents to be forthright and just keep their heads down. “It’s a necessary evil, like teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. You’ll feel dirty afterwards, but it’s a sign of good parenting.”

Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of the killings is the twisted way in which each reindeer has been dispatched in a manner prescribed by his name. The most recent victim, Cupid, was discovered with an arrow through his heart. Mounties initially believed it to be felled by a hunter, but then remembered that Canadians usually prefer to hunt with empty beer cans.

The slaying of the previous three was no less deranged. Vixen died from an advanced syphilitic infection, while Dasher was pierced by a giant hyphen. Santa Claus reportedly regrets not having named the reindeer Colon instead, but it is unlikely the creature's death would have been any less grisly. The first reindeer to die was Comet, after he was crushed by a rock falling from the upper atmosphere. Police suspect his death may be unrelated, however, as technically it would have been a meteorite.

Internet forums are already alight with speculation as to what, if anything, will befall Christmas’ most cherished reindeer, Rudolph. Will he be hanged like the Nazi commandant of Auschwitz, Rudolf Hess, or merely die in prison like the other Nazi, Rudolph Hess? The North Pole is meanwhile keeping the remaining reindeer under a close watch, but Dancer is nevertheless insisting people just call him “Bill”.

The Catholic Church is apparently unconcerned about the delay. As a spokesman for the Pope explained, “December 25th was an arbitrary choice anyway. We’ll just shift Jesus’ birthday back a few weeks, remind everyone that the Pope is infallible, and advise them not to think about it too much.”

Answering criticism that the Church is unfairly insensitive to the crushed dreams of millions of children, the spokesman responded that “it would definitely be wrong to say that we enjoy ruining lives. I guess you could say we’re just indifferent.”

Before Christmas can go ahead, however, Santa will first have to discover a new method of powering his sleigh. It is thought he will look to Japan or possibly Korea for propulsion, as the United Elf Workers claim they are only being paid to make the same old toys over and over again. Despite the potential loss of their jobs and livelihoods should Christmas not occur, they are unwilling to invent or innovate, having spent their careers getting paid handsomely for decades’ worth of unoriginal ideas.


Santa's elves unveil the latest hybrid


Meanwhile, readers are encouraged to remain vigilant and write in with any reindeer deaths they witness.

19 comments:

Dani' El said...

Finally!
A fine pun!

Sleigher? lol!
Well done!

But I must ask.
How does this post edify Frodo?

FrodoSaves said...

Sometimes Frodo gets left out of posts for a number of reasons.

a) Word count
b) Relevance to the post subject matter
c) His own modesty

You should know however that Frodo is guiding my hand, and the occasional lack of mention does not irk my beneficent Lord. Plus He simply gets a kick out of lampooning the Holy See.

Dani' El said...

Amen.
I do a fair bit of mocking Pope Ratslinger my own self.

I'll be going toe to toe with that Nazi dog soon enough.
And you thought I was rough on Prince Charles?

Just wait.

FrodoSaves said...

I'll be going toe to toe with that Nazi dog soon enough.

Hmm, I was content to poke fun at his membership in the HJ without actually going so far as to call him a Nazi. There's something comic about the phrase "Hitler Youth" anyway. I think it's the juxtaposition of something so insidious with something connoting blissful innocence.

Dani' El said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSvBCBnulLs

FrodoSaves said...

Well they need better elocution teachers and choreographers, that much is obvious...

But anyway, just so I'm clear, are you trying to draw comparisons between Obama and Hitler? Seriously?

Dani' El said...

Haven't you seen all the messianic fervor in the media? The black churches? Farakhan?

Wait for it Frodo.

When Calif goes down, and the world falls into war, (did you see those Russian warships in Cuba today?) Obama will enforce martial law in the US.

Have you seen Obama's call for obligatory public service for kids out of HS?
Or the recent proclamations from the Pentagon of an increase in internal forces to enforce order?

The American SS, Blackwater?

Obama serves the same master as Hitler.
Wait for it.

All those radical associations were not the creation of Fox news my friend.
Things will be so chaotic most people will support him, until it's too late.

ScottE said...

Well there's a comment string that took a sharp right.

This post reminds me of a story that a friend of mine was developing involving a calculating Rudolph who plotted for years before exacting his revenge for the pernicious torture of his fellow reindeer. One fateful, foggy christmas eve he slipped free of his sleigh-bondage; but only after guiding Kringle's sleigh directly into a tall peak.

Touching, no?

Dani' El said...

Scott- Well there's a comment string that took a sharp right.

Don't get me wrong, Scott.
Bush/Cheney are on the same team as Obama.

FrodoSaves said...

Well there's a comment string that took a sharp right.

That seems to happen a lot round here...

Touching, no?

I can definitely see a common theme. Perhaps you noticed that the reindeer killer has yet to be identified? Hmm...

Anyway, thanks for visiting. Frodo be with you.

FrodoSaves said...

Haven't you seen all the messianic fervor in the media? The black churches? Farakhan?

I don't think you can hold Obama responsible for a few nutjobs who draw entirely the wrong conclusion from his presidency. I doubt very much he sponsored the youth group in that video, completely unlike Hitler's own HJ.

And I'm curious. Is Obama an agent of Satan by virtue of the fact that he's the next president? Would any of the presidential candidates fit the bill? Or is there something particularly heinous about the man himself?

Dani' El said...

Frodo, are you aware of the Council on Foreign Relations?

Obama, Clinton, I think every candidate this year but Huckabee is a member.

The CFR was founded by the Rockefellers and others for the express purpose of establishing one world govt.
They formed the UN.
-----------------------------
"For more than a century ideological extremists at either end of the political spectrum have seized upon well-publicized incidents such as my encounter with Castro to attack the Rockefeller family for the inordinate influence they claim we wield over American political and economic institutions. Some even believe we are part of a secret cabal working against the best interests of the United States, characterizing my family and me as ‘internationalists’ and of conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global political and economic structure – one world, if you will. If that’s the charge, I stand guilty, and I am proud of it." -David Rockefeller, from his own book, Memoirs.

"We are grateful to the Washington Post, the New York Times, Time magazine and other great
publications whose directors have attended our meetings and respected the promises of discretion
for almost forty years. It would have been impossible for us to develop our plan for the world if
we had been subject to the bright lights of publicity during those years. But, the world is now more
sophisticated and prepared to march towards a world-government. The supranational sovereignty
of an intellectual elite and world bankers is surely preferable to the National auto determination
practiced in past centuries"--David Rockefeller in an address to a Trilateral Commission meeting
in June of 1991
-----------------------

Or the Bilderberg group?
Google it-

These are Satan's ruling elite and they meet every year.
This year they met in Virgina and Obama, Clinton and others went "missing" during the meeting just weeks before the election.
Of course they attended.

How do you feel about our elected officials, media moguls, bankers, etc. meeting in secret like this?

"Democracy" in America is only a front. When all the candidates are CFR members the deck is stacked.

Dani' El said...

Frodo,
I don't want to stink up your blog with all this stuff if you don't approve.
So just ask and I'll stay on topic if you like.

But in reference to the "few nut jobs"
The point I was trying to make is that the people are prepared for a messianic leader, "the one" as Obama is being called.
Did you see all those people weeping and losing it at the Dem convention?

Try to remember, I'm not being partisan here.
Bush, Cheney, et al are on the same page as Obama.
They are just playing their parts.

A lot of liberals here in SF are up in arms as Obama seems to be backing out of his "pull out of Iraq" pledges.
He will show his true colors soon enough.
He's following orders from a higher up, Satan.
No joke.

Off topic- It actually snowed here in SF today.
Very, very rare.

Dani' El said...

One more for the road.
I know, I know. WorldNetDaily.
Just read it you silly hobbit!

Clinton/Obama and the bilderberg meeting this year-

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=66442

FrodoSaves said...

So just ask and I'll stay on topic if you like.

There's not much you can say about a fictional reindeer serial killer before conversation starts running dry. So no, feel free to wander as far off topic as you wish.

the people are prepared for a messianic leader, "the one" as Obama is being called.

Personality cults have been a feature of presidencies for a long time. A disagreeable feature, to be sure. But Bush, Reagan, Kennedy, Roosevelt(s), etc all had a sort of monarchical aura to their 'reigns'. The 'Obamamania' is definitely palpable, but a huge amount of it can be attributed to him being an untraditional President; it being an end to the Bush regime; the promise of economic reform; and the fact that it's early days. I'm sure the euphoria will die down soon enough (I bet you'll latch onto this sentence, eh?)

Try to remember, I'm not being partisan here.

Maybe not politically...

Off topic- It actually snowed here in SF today.

Did you make a snow angel? :P

Dani' El said...

There's not much you can say about a fictional reindeer serial killer before conversation starts running dry. So no, feel free to wander as far off topic as you wish.

What do you mean "fictional"?
Gasp! Nooooooooooooo!

FrodoSaves said...

What do you mean "fictional"?

The "non" is silent.

...

Dani' El said...

Lol!

Now that's funny! Lol!

Vitamin R said...

Dude. Have you ever had venison?

I'd kill Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph for a taste. Mighty fine stuff.

The slaying of the previous three was no less deranged. Vixen died from an advanced syphilitic infection, while Dasher was pierced by a giant hyphen.

ROTFLMAO--that's awesome!

And tragic ::hangs head::

The North Pole is meanwhile keeping the remaining reindeer under a close watch, but Dancer is nevertheless insisting people just call him “Bill”.

His doom will come in the form of a bill so large, the shock of it gives him a massive heart attack.

The "non" is silent.

You're quite wonderful.