Monday, December 1, 2008

Residents of Heaven sick of perpetual daylight

Christianity suffered another setback today when residents of Heaven filed a formal complaint against God for the perpetual daylight in which they have to live. Disenfranchised denizen Dale Keats told a reporter that he was “initially enchanted by Revelations 22:5, where it says that God is light and all. I didn’t realize that God really is light!

Many citizens of Heaven have since come forward and admitted to being similarly tired of eternal light. While newcomers are often thrilled at the prospect of endless soccer games and picnics at all hours, it seems that after a few months, most just want to catch a bit of sleep. “It’s not that I need it,” declared former manicurist Betty Jenkins, “but it is Heaven, and honey, I loves to sleep!”

Perpetual light is also quickly becoming a health concern, as residents of Heaven have been subjected to constant UV light ever since they arrived. Gabriel, Heaven’s surgeon general, admitted that while melanoma is on the rise, by far the biggest problem is that no one knows what happens to people who die in Heaven. “Perhaps there’s some sort of super heaven we don’t know about yet.”

Nor are the angels unaffected, as it is well known that winged creatures quickly succumb to dizziness and disorientation after prolonged exposure to unnatural light. Suffering from acute insomnia, St. Peter has not been properly checking credentials at the pearly gates, and has recently let in a panoply of sinners and Cuban immigrants. Worse, the archangel Michael inadvertently flew into the glass-sided HSBC building in Heaven’s financial district, severely breaking his neck.

As the light shows no sign of diminishing, the situation in Heaven is getting dire. Angels are desperately trying to track down and stamp out the makers of t-shirts reading "I came to Heaven and all I got was this lousy migraine", and "Kept in the dark about being in the light". Already, Christianity is feeling the effects of members fleeing for other faiths, and many argue that fitting manacles to churches across the country is not the answer. Until however Heaven can offer its sunkissed souls some shade, the flock would flee but for lock and key.

10 comments:

Dani' El said...

you are funny
i am laughing now

Well, I guess it beats the constant outer darkness.
The house plants don't do too well in it.
And I look better with an eternal tan. Maybe you haven't heard of the dark prayer closets in heaven? It's a nice respite and cheap by the hour.

Besides it's not a dry heat in the lake of fire, so....?

FrodoSaves said...

Are we pondering the climate in Hell now? I suppose it would be a very dry heat, what with all the fires. But now I'm wondering. See, I prefer dry heat to a muggy, humid swampy heat. So wouldn't "my" Hell be based on the latter, rather than one of eternal fires?

Just musing...

Dani' El said...

If one is going to complain about the light in Heaven, one should consider the option, no?

And it is a lake of fire after all. I used to live on the big Island of Hawaii just a couple of miles from the Kilauea Caldera that has been erupting for over 15 years. So I can imagine a lake of Lava. Y'know like the one that got Golem?

The question is how can it be outer darkness and on fire at the same time?
I suppose it's like light having both particle and wave properties at the same time.
Dark flames, oooooh sounds like a metal song.

Not a joking matter really.

FrodoSaves said...

Or perhaps it would be like a black hole. Technically it's a star, but it's of such enormous density that the photons of light cannot escape its gravitational field, and so doesn't appear to emit any light to observers. That makes sense right?

Also, it's Gollum, although I'm not sure you can blaspheme against an antagonist, so who knows, maybe it's forgivable.

Dani' El said...

Yeah, black hole is good.
Can I use that?

And Tolkien got it wrong.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golem

I think I mentioned that I called Satan, "Golem" once.
It pleased him no end.

It was before I knew it was him.
He used to show up at my music studio in Oakland, CA.

He took the form of this little disgusting guy who lived in a tiny closet.
He knocked on my door begging for food or something and I said, "Hey Golem." (This before the movie etc. I had read the books in Jr High school.)
His face lit up and he said, "What did you call me? Tee hee!"
I said, "Golem"
And he clapped his hands with glee and came in.

Funny, he used to quiz me on things like evolution, DNA, God etc and he was very pleased with my responses as my mind was full of lies.

No lie this happened in Oakland about 96-7.
I'm going to post a blog on it someday.

I tell you the world became a very strange place indeed in 05 when my eyes were opened.
Amazing, and all true.
Most days I feel like I'm living in a movie. Like the Matrix, the world is not what it seems, Frodoslave.

Dani' El said...

Check this out-

Psa 139:16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

Psa 139:16 Thine eyesH5869 did seeH7200 my substance, yet being unperfect;H1564 and inH5921 thy bookH5612 allH3605 my members were written,H3789 which in continuanceH3117 were fashioned,H3335 when as yet there was noneH3808 H259 of them.

my substance, yet being unperfect;H1564

H1564
גּלם
gôlem
go'-lem
From H1563; a wrapped (and unformed mass, that is, as the embryo): - substance yet being unperfect.

FrodoSaves said...

Yeah, I know what a Golem is, but I wasn't aware that it had any relation to Gollum the character.

Also, I might be mistaken, but I thought you said at one point that this Satan fellow was quite a looker? Something about blonde hair, chiseled jaw, strong cheek bones. OK I might have made up the jaw and cheek thing, but I could have sworn you said something about the Devil appearing seductively pleasing to the eye. Just want to make sure I'm getting your narrative straight.

I hope your life is more interesting than the Matrix. Well, its sequels at least. The first one was OK, but the Wachowski brothers just got greedy.

Dani' El said...

Well, that's Satan's original form. He can take others and even enter some people.

He appeared once as a malformed monster just to disgust me.
Yet another post to come.

Since Tolkien, a catholic, was supposedly making christian (and other) analogies in his stories, I think we can assume that he based Gollum on the Golem of Kaballah etc. Roughly anyway.

Never saw the Matrix sequels. They did look bad from the trailers.
But what makes my life/the world even more fantastic is that it is quite real. No movie.

noodleguy said...

Gasp! The Matrix bad!? Okay, well I'll admit, the sequels did stink. Badly.

What's more, even Pastafarian Heaven is better than than. Do Christians have a beer volcano or stripper factory? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Anyway, hasn't anyone here read Dante? Hell is cold at the bottom, it's an ice cold lake with this creepy three headed monster that's supposed to be the devil eating people's heads. Not actually a lake of fire. I think one of the rings had some fire rain or something, and another had coffins filled with fire.

Personally I prefer the good-looking form of Satan. Easier on the eyes than that giant fly or whatever. And of course, Pastafarianism doesn't have any devil at all, so I'm pretty sure we win that battle too.

Also, FrodoSaves, for some reason the blog was catching your comments and marking them as spam. It's a nuisance but I taught it (the computer) that all worshipers of Frodo are to be allowed to comment freely.

Peace,
Noodleguy

Dani' El said...

I thought the true pastafari didn't drink beer.

I hear they only smoke salmon.
And eat Haile Salami.