Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Vatican heist sees millions of years’ worth of indulgences stolen

The latest round of the Catholic blame game kicked off earlier this week with the Holy See’s announcement that it had been robbed. Believers listened in horror as the Pope’s spokesmen reported how thieves had broken in during the night, and made off with several tons worth of paper indulgences. The rest of the world barely batted a collective eyelid when it later developed that nothing of actual value had been stolen.

Quite how the burglars entered the Pope’s vault is unclear, though Vatican authorities are reportedly meeting with their contractor, Honor System Security Ltd., to assess the breach. In the mean time, any obvious flaws will be addressed with candlelight vigilance.

Though neither Italian police nor the Carabinieri have released a list of suspects, the theft bears all the hallmarks of frequent sinners such as gays, and some of the hallmarks of casual sinners, such as Hallmark. The Vatican also suspects religious skeptics who aren’t quite skeptical enough to be sure there’s no God, but is skeptical that said skeptics are organized enough to pull of such a heist.

In simpler times, the stolen property itself would have pointed to the likely culprits. Mothers of unbaptized children were once the most prolific thieves of indulgences, but in recent years organized crime rings, some of them full of good Catholics, have been responsible for the biggest robberies.

Taken together, the indulgences amount to millions of years off time to be spent in purgatory, and as such represent about 5% of the global indulgence black market. Vatican authorities are confident that the majority of the stolen indulgences will wind up in the United States, particularly California and Arizona. Since the introduction of crimesin, illegal Mexican immigrants have all become sinners in the eyes of God. It is a setback they certainly could have done without.

Paco has to sell a lot of tacos to pay for his ill-gotten indulgence

Asked about their plans to retrieve the stolen indulgences, the Vatican said that its chief worry as always was that sinners would be cheating the system and not spending enough time being punished for their transgressions. Still, a spokesman reassured reporters that they “can always print more,” though he cautioned that recent cutbacks will mean future indulgences will be printed on A5 paper, rather than the standard A4.


Vitamin R said...

While newcomers are often thrilled at the prospect of endless soccer games and picnics at all hours, it seems that after a few months, most just want to catch a bit of sleep. “It’s not that I need it,” declared former manicurist Betty Jenkins, “but it is Heaven, and honey, I loves to sleep!”


That's awesome! You should be publishing this. And charging people to read it.

“Perhaps there’s some sort of super heaven we don’t know about yet.”

When they die in Heaven, they go to Boca.

Suffering from acute insomnia, St. Peter has not been properly checking credentials at the pearly gates, and has recently let in a panoply of sinners and Cuban immigrants.

Cuban immigrants? Oy, and they thought Heaven was bright and flashy before. . . .

Worse, the archangel Michael inadvertently flew into the glass-sided HSBC building in Heaven’s financial district, severely breaking his neck.

Man, those HSBC buildings are both eyesores and a danger. I mean, Michael's the Archangel of War! If he can't see well, or fight because of a broken neck . . . Hell's gonna put the smackdown on Heaven's monkey ass.

Until however Heaven can offer its sunkissed souls some shade, the flock would flee but for lock and key.

Yeah . . . cuz it's the lack of shade that's making them flee. . . .
::shifty eyes::

Vitamin R said...

In the mean time, any obvious flaws will be addressed with candlelight vigilance.

Funny. But:

Dios mio, why nobody buy my tacos?

Freakin hilarious.

A5 is the work of the devil.

Dani' El said...

I wonder if the prophet JRR Tolkien (may frodo grant him rest) who was a devout Catholic, could use an indulgence.
Maybe you could take up a free love collection and spring him from purgatory.

I suspect that Pope Ratslinger himself actually embezzled those indulgences and has smuggled them (and his Jew's teeth collection) to Paraguay in case things don't work out so well for Rome.

According to the book of Revelation he's going to need 'em.

piggymceatsalot said...

"Hallmark Cards is a privately owned American company based in Kansas City, Missouri. Founded in 1910 by Joyce C. Hall, Hallmark is the largest manufacturer of greeting cards in the United States. Approximately 50% of greeting cards sent in the United States every year are manufactured by Hallmark[citation needed]. Christmas is the #1 selling holiday in terms of Hallmark Cards sales."

1. Bible Belt
2. Near monopoly
3. Capitalising on Christmas.

The outrage!

noodleguy said...

Frodosaves, you are way too awesome for this to be free. The universe simply won't allow this level of hilarity to go on without somehow charging people for it...

FrodoSaves said...

Thanks all for the positive feedback! Frodo needs all the spiritual help He can get to make it through this unholy holiday season unscathed.

Also, His lips chap so badly in the cold.

Let us pray for Him.

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