A cross of mistaken identity

Ripples of alarm coursed through the Christian world today at a shocking piece of revisionist history surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus. One of religion’s most significant semi-events has been thrown into question by archeologists excavating the plains of Golgotha. It seems that the man crucified in pole position on that fateful day may not have been the Son of God.

Indeed, followers of Thinky, the atheist god, argue that Jesus was a normal mortal and there is no god for there to be a son of.

There is however another extra-disappointing reason why the executed man may not have been the Son of God. It seems, after this painfully drawn out introduction, that it was not Jesus on that cross.

The key piece of evidence in the discovery was the cross itself. Rather than stout Lebanese cedar favored by Roman crucifix-makers at the time, it was instead poorly made from disassembled Ikea children’s furniture. “There are definitely more knots in the wood than you’d expect from a Roman cross,” explained crucifix expert Dale Sands. “This wouldn’t have been comfortable at all.”

Another indication was the shape of the recovered cross. Rather than the traditional ‘+’ shape, the designer went for more of a ‘Г’ style. Experts agree that the victim was thus likely an amputee, or possibly a leper. Some have even suggested that it wasn’t even a man, but a snake bent into a right angle. Most agree this is implausible, however, since snake crucifixion did not become popular in the Levant until the third century AD.

All of this raises the pertinent question that, if Jesus wasn’t crucified, who was? Many believe it could have been Jason the Leper, an early messiah impersonator. Previously lauded for his highly believable performances, no record of Jason’s appearances can be found after the crucifixion. Researchers also point to the dip in popularity of impersonation as a career around the time, flanked on either side by the many highly popular lookalikes of Ptolemy XIII and Septimus Severus.


Jason the Impersonator is led to his death

Evidence suggests that at the time of the crucifixion of Jason the Leper, Jesus was probably stuck in traffic. Early traffic lights had to be laboriously repainted each time they changed, leading to an inexplicably inefficient system which was further complicated by a regional shortage of green paint. From anecdotal sources it appears that Jesus was gripped by a primitive bout of highly un-Christian road rage triggered by a dented bumper. It now seems likely that Jesus suffered a prolonged heart attack at the reigns of his wagon, and ironically, probably suffered a lot more this way.

Christians are however so far resisting the adoption of the bent fender as a religious symbol, holding instead that the crucifix is more aesthetically pleasing. Some critics argue though that this is perhaps not the principle purpose behind an instrument of torture.

Oops, celebrating the New Year was a sin

It’s no secret that holidays provide celebrants plenty of opportunity to sin. Coworkers at the office Christmas party have sex out of wedlock. Other, more envious coworkers think about having sex out of wedlock. Diners engorge themselves on turkey, cake, and wine, and sit idly by while atheists gnaw on babies. The slothful sleep in late, which of course only gives them more opportunity to have sex out of wedlock.

There is however a more surprising way in which the faithful can defile themselves in the eyes of their Lord. By celebrating the New Year, party goers are in fact jubilating over a purely naturalistic scientific concept: the year.

Oddly, since the sun was discovered by vertebrates several millennia ago, man has not been content merely to watch it trace its path across the sky, day after day. Early man pondered over the bizarre combination of factors that led the sun to cause parts of the globe to heat up and others to cool down, except in Singapore, where a proportion of residents are still eagerly waiting for their first snowfall.

Eventually, someone clever realized that the process was cyclical, and set about trying to decipher the period, because it would be nice to, I don’t know, grow crops or something. Hunter gatherers watched enviously as their neighbors stopped hunting and gathering, and started having more sex and going to Led Zeppelin concerts.

Finally the Romans invented a calendar which gave them years of alternately varying length, with the number of added days being determined by a round robin cock fight tournament at the public baths towards the end of December¹. However this unreliable system caused the calendar to drift out of sync with the path of the sun by one day per year, arguably defeating the purpose of a solar calendar.



Remarkably it only took Roman astronomers several centuries to decide the situation was not ideal, and thus was born the Julian calendar. It kind of sucked too, but was oddly good enough for the omniscient Son of God. Finally, in 1582, an angry Jesus briefly rose from the dead demanding to know why Christians were celebrating his birthday ten days late. The Gregorian calendar was finally created to placate the displeased deity.

To make a long story short and bring an end to several paragraphs worth of useless background information, the year is a purely naturalistic, and dare I say it, pagan concept which involves nothing more than the sun’s interaction with the Earth. And they get along just great. By celebrating the cycle, Christians are glorying in naturalism.

Frodologists of course believe that Frodo is responsible for moving the Earth around the Sun, just as He once moved the Sun around the Earth until Copernicus convinced Him to change His mind. We believe the Earth’s orbit has nothing to do with gravity, which is of course a totally untestable concept. But Christians should know better.

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1. Some think this is what Christmas traditionally celebrates

A Treatise on the True Story of December 25th

Over the years, traditions and holidays evolve. Even religious ones that are organized by people dead set against evolution and everything it stands for – they evolve too. When people are asked what “the true meaning of Christmas” is these days, respondents often focus too hard on trying to remember the details, like whether Scrooge owned the inn that turned Mary away, or the one that let her stay in the stable. Many worry themselves trying to remember which gift each wise man brought, and forget the real message, which is that giving expensive presents to a newborn is guaranteed to spoil him.

Some people lose sight of the bigger picture while watching straight-to-DVD movies, and forget all about treatises.

However, there is an altogether different message associated with December 25th, which predates the Christmas story, and even the film A Christmas Story. Arguably the event is all the more important as it actually happened on December 25th, unlike subsequent events which are wrongly and inexplicably commemorated on that day.

To Frodologists, December 25th is Fellowship Day. It commemorates that day when Frodo and his eight companions set off from Rivendell to destroy the Ring and deliver Middle Earth from evil. There are, I think, four lessons which can be drawn from the bold step taken on December 25th.

First, the mission to Mordor is symbolic of casting off the yoke of our material possessions. The ring which Frodo takes is a piece of jewelry highly evocative of Western materialism, and he swears on all that’s holy (himself) that he will cast it into the fires of the predictably named Mount Doom. As Robert Frost belatedly observed several millennia later, “nothing gold can stay”. Unless it wasn’t infused with preternatural evil at the time it was cast from hellfire and the ethereal souls of unbaptized children. Then it can stay.

The second message that Frodologists take from Fellowship Day is that on any arduous quest or journey, at the halfway point a tall elvish woman will give you queer gifts you likely have no use for. This is a device which literature calls deus ex machina, and it demonstrates the extreme and incredible good fortune which one should always expect and count on.

Third, Fellowship Day teaches us important lessons about cooperation in the face of faceless evil. Namely, it teaches us to judge others based on rumors and hearsay, and to accuse entire cultures of being paragons of evil, particularly if they lay far to the east. It teaches us to ignore the root causes of strife, and to expend countless lives sorting out a disagreement when a little dialogue may have been just as effective.



Finally, Fellowship Day teaches us about friendship. In particular we learn the lesson that, despite brave assurances of support from friends and strangers alike, no one will actually offer to do the hardest part for us, no matter how much more suited they are for the task. Ultimately, putting a miniature flag on your dashboard or uploading a series of JPEGs to the sidebar of your blog is much easier.

With so much to teach the rest of the world, however, we Frodologists must remember never to detract from other messages symbolized by the 25th of December. In particular, if you are heavily pregnant and desperately implore people for a room all the while maintaining your chastity and virginity, no one is going to let you in.

Merry Christmas!

Holiday (in)activity

Esteemed Frodologists,

Frodo's Prophet is going on holiday for a couple of weeks on Saturday and will hopefully be spending as little time as possible on the computer, as he hears that there is sunshine, nature and a qwertyless world out there somewhere which need to be experienced.

Nevertheless, two posts have been scheduled for Frodo's loyal followers should they find themselves unable to go cold turkey. Hah.

Until the good grace of Frodo hauls our planet into a new year, enjoy your holidays , and please - don't be tempted to pray to Thinky!


Yours faithfully,

FrodoSaves

In the know: should we just stop using our brains?

Perched atop of our bodies like a crown as it is, the brain has long fascinated man. That is until he lays down, at which point it’s no higher than anything else on his body and he can become fascinated with his sex organ. But for the most part, the brain is the pinnacle of our corporeal selves, and for this reason it is thought to be greatly deserving of study.

The brain was first discovered by cavemen in 12,116 BC in a game of “rock-head”, a primitive recreational activity which required participants to fling rocks of various sizes at each other’s heads. In actual fact, however, cavemen were previously unable to distinguish between rocks and heads, and so the game’s name is better translated as “rock-rock”, or “head-head”. Scientists believe it is this same basic misunderstanding of anatomy that causes rams to lock horns and butt heads.

It was however not until the middle of the 18th Century that a use was finally discovered for the brain. For several weeks in the summer 1731 it became wildly popular among European monarchs to use gray matter compote as a primitive weather sealant. Though seasonal rains proved it expensive and ineffective, it was not until Thompson’s Water Seal became commercially available in the early 20th Century that this use of brains was finally discontinued.

By the early 19th Century, the actual use of the brain had been discovered. Early scientists were perplexed by its similarity to the walnut, leading many to think that trees were much smarter than us. When man returned to the surface from his burrow two generations later, civilization more or less returned to normal.

Only very recently has the more sinister purpose of the brain been discovered. Frodologist scientists have reason to believe that the brain is actually the principle medium by which atheists pray to their brain-god, Thinky. That this took so long to discover is somewhat embarrassing to scientists; in retrospect, atheists' appeals to “reason” and “logic” are transparent proselytizing on behalf of their deity. But most importantly, theologians wonder, are we angering Frodo every time we use our brains by appearing to worship Thinky?

Scientists are now scrambling around for an answer. After all, we can’t just remove our brains.

Can we?

No, it would seem we cannot. Frankenstein’s monster is misleading on that front and only goes to demonstrate the dangers of believing in fiction! So, if we can’t remove them, how can we turn them off?

Preliminary research suggests that it is possible and recommends the power of the mass synchronized chant: F… R… O-D-O, F… R… O-D-O … When it’s over, it’ll be hours later and chanters will remember nothing.

Frodologist scientists expect that through this program participants will soon become avid consumers of mass market t-shirts and bumper stickers.



Salvation rides a Wagoneer

Alarming “might as well” cult growing among nation’s youth

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Reindeer serial killer on the rampage

Cries of anguish could be heard around the world today at the news that Christmas might have to be delayed. Police in the Northwest Territories reported their discovery of yet another dead reindeer from Santa Claus’ stables, bringing the total to four in just a single week.

While cynical parents bathed in the tears of their disappointed children, many better parents were perplexed as to how they were going to explain to their children that the imaginary Christmas characters that filled their hearts with delight actually existed, but were now mostly dead. A Mormon counselor has advised parents to be forthright and just keep their heads down. “It’s a necessary evil, like teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. You’ll feel dirty afterwards, but it’s a sign of good parenting.”

Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of the killings is the twisted way in which each reindeer has been dispatched in a manner prescribed by his name. The most recent victim, Cupid, was discovered with an arrow through his heart. Mounties initially believed it to be felled by a hunter, but then remembered that Canadians usually prefer to hunt with empty beer cans.

The slaying of the previous three was no less deranged. Vixen died from an advanced syphilitic infection, while Dasher was pierced by a giant hyphen. Santa Claus reportedly regrets not having named the reindeer Colon instead, but it is unlikely the creature's death would have been any less grisly. The first reindeer to die was Comet, after he was crushed by a rock falling from the upper atmosphere. Police suspect his death may be unrelated, however, as technically it would have been a meteorite.

Internet forums are already alight with speculation as to what, if anything, will befall Christmas’ most cherished reindeer, Rudolph. Will he be hanged like the Nazi commandant of Auschwitz, Rudolf Hess, or merely die in prison like the other Nazi, Rudolph Hess? The North Pole is meanwhile keeping the remaining reindeer under a close watch, but Dancer is nevertheless insisting people just call him “Bill”.

The Catholic Church is apparently unconcerned about the delay. As a spokesman for the Pope explained, “December 25th was an arbitrary choice anyway. We’ll just shift Jesus’ birthday back a few weeks, remind everyone that the Pope is infallible, and advise them not to think about it too much.”

Answering criticism that the Church is unfairly insensitive to the crushed dreams of millions of children, the spokesman responded that “it would definitely be wrong to say that we enjoy ruining lives. I guess you could say we’re just indifferent.”

Before Christmas can go ahead, however, Santa will first have to discover a new method of powering his sleigh. It is thought he will look to Japan or possibly Korea for propulsion, as the United Elf Workers claim they are only being paid to make the same old toys over and over again. Despite the potential loss of their jobs and livelihoods should Christmas not occur, they are unwilling to invent or innovate, having spent their careers getting paid handsomely for decades’ worth of unoriginal ideas.


Santa's elves unveil the latest hybrid

Meanwhile, readers are encouraged to remain vigilant and write in with any reindeer deaths they witness.