Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Frodology wins bidding war for Hell

Share prices in Frodology and its subsidiaries surged today as the morning broke with the news that the Faith was the victor in a tight bidding war to rent out Hell. At a time when the world’s economy is slowing down, and people are turning to religion for lack of a job, Hell has been running low on souls to stoke its fires.

With alternative energy sources beyond Hell’s budget, the government of Hell began to look around for other options. Discovering that its own R&D was at least ten years behind the Soviet Union, and subsequently discovering that the Soviet Union had been non-existent for the past seventeen years, ministers resolved to do something. Having successfully updated their records and history textbooks, they then resolved to do something else, hopefully more useful this time.

It was then that the shadow Minister for Energy suggested outsourcing. With its ovens underutilized, Hell began looking for a religious partner with high forsaking rates amongst its followers. Thus began a fierce bidding war between Frodology and Christianity. Despite the damning of significant subsections of society, such as homosexuals, Democrats, and unbaptized children, the offer of all these souls was not enough for Hell to seal the deal with Christianity.

A minion of Hell later explained to disappointed Christians that “Hell really isn’t a very nice place. Gays, liberals, and unbaptized babies really deserve better.”

Instead it was Frodology that won the contract, breaking a multi-millennial-long affiliation between Hell and Christianity. Asked if the break would not make potential business partners wary of betrayal, Lucifer explained that it is the nature of business, and a necessary part of staying ahead. “We were wary of Christianity’s increasingly stale image, and wanted a fresh, young, energetic partner to help market our brand.” The Devil also noted that frankly, Hell’s services are unique, and the history of mankind suggests that “people will always be coming here.”

Frodologist authorities are reportedly delighted with the deal. With more and more activities being proscribed by the Faith every month, sinners and potential lost souls were really beginning to pile up. “We couldn’t be sure that those Frodo had damned were actually writhing in torment, and not just, you know, rotting in the ground as inanimate corpses.”

Fig. 1, Sinful Frodologists now have more to look forward to after death

The outcome is generally not good news for Christianity, with God now having to find room for His own forsaken. With the End of Days quickly approaching, God admitted that the loss of the contract “couldn’t have come at a worse time.” Sinners are temporarily being sent to Heaven, which is more or less empty, but the influx of the evil means it is quickly becoming an undesirable destination.

Fig. 2, Sinners are ruining it for everyone

Worried Christians are already considering new faiths that won’t make them go there when they die. “Frodologists go to Hell, and Christians go to Heaven, which is quickly becoming Hell. Maybe I don’t need an afterlife after all,” pondered Joey Smith, 16.

The one good bit of news for Catholics is that they no longer have to tithe to the Church, as Hell’s service charge has been assumed by Frodology as part of the deal. Upon hearing this, a bemused Pope Benedict mused “so that’s what it was for!”

Top Fro'Moes declined to comment on the price paid for the contract, but residents of Hell have reported hearing cooing cries of "my precious" of late.

Fig. 3, The Ring may now be in possession of either the Devil, or Mr. Tumnus


Wally said...

ironically, the unmarked grave is now marked...

FrodoSaves said...

What was that quote about explaining a joke?


"Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind."

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