Friday, November 14, 2008

How to spot a false idol

The End of Days is likely to be a confusing time, with fire raining down from the sky, streets running with blood because the sewers are backed up with people who have defaulted on their mortgages and just need somewhere to stay, and local disruptions to cell networks as people send their grainy, out of focus camera phone snaps into CNN. So you need to be ready to follow your real God, and learn how to ignore the temptations of the many false idols dotted along the way. You might call this a guide to following Frodo and ignoring faux’dos.

Your God doesn’t… wear glasses

While author JK Rowling may have ingratiated herself into the homes of millions with promises of magic and incredible things happening to children far too young to cope with the emotional baggage they involve, her lukewarm literary talents cannot disguise heresy. There is only one Messiah in the canon of unlikely hero characters from literature or film, and that one is Frodo. Plus, Harry Potter’s hair makes him look like a boy version of Hugh Grant, and no one worships him.

Your God doesn’t… wear sunglasses

Since at least the 1940s, people have worshiped wearers of sunglasses. At first, it was the aviator. In the 50s, the rebel rock ‘n’ roller. In the sixties, people realized they could see better on stage without sunglasses. By the seventies, they had the hollow, sunken eyes of constant cocaine abuse to hide. In the 80s, oddly, it was back to aviators, and the nineties briefly flirted with donning a messiah-like hero in a pair of Ray Bans before handing the embarrassing sequels over to the new decade. The transience of these idols alone should suffice to warn the reader off sunglasses as a source of idolatry.

Fig. 1, A matrix of false idols... also, Bono sucks

Your God doesn’t… carry a lightsaber

When George Lucas opened Episode IV with “a long time ago…” he gave the game away. Clearly, the Star Wars saga is set in the future, not the past. And if that is the case, it couldn’t have happened yet, which makes Luke Skywalker and Yoda curious choices for worship. It would be like praying to Jesus to thank him for the second coming. It hasn’t happened yet. And if you have done that, it was a poor tactical choice. In terms of fulfilling his part of the bargain, Jesus now holds all the cards. He may not even come at all. Probably time to call a lawyer.

Your God wasn’t… born of a virgin

And neither was Jesus.

Your God doesn’t… work for CTU

Unfortunately, Jack Bauer is not a deity. Despite his godlike ability to dispatch terrorists while in the midst of a heart attack, and his herculean imperviousness to all Arabs on Fox TV shows being heedful martyrs, he is not a God. That he hasn’t learned to avoid situations that spectacularly absorb precisely 24 hours of his time is appalling. That he continues to trust colleagues who are either alternately least likely or most likely to be moles is staggeringly negligent. He’s not fit to run a Starbucks, let alone be a god.

Your God doesn’t… govern Alaska

On the scale of persons deserving of worship, politicians should generally rank lower than other walks of life. On the scale of politicians deserving of worship, former politicians are better suited to receive praise since their misdeeds are comfortably long enough ago to be forgotten. On the scale of current politicians, heads of state are least likely to deserve worship due to all the backs they trampled on to get there. On the scale of heads of states worthy of worship, those who were actually elected are more deserving than those who weren’t even running for the position. Of those who weren’t running for the position, those who could still feasibly do the job of head of state are, again, better candidates for divinity. Of those less capable of being President, governors of states home to more than one million people are still, again, better choices. Of those whose states house less than a million people, the governors of Montana, Delaware, North and South Dakota, Vermont and Wyoming would all be better choices than Sarah Palin.

Why did I go to such lengths to mock Sarah Palin? I’m just illustrating my ability to write a paragraph, technology still absent in states lesser contiguously abled.

Fig. 2, This government building is not Alaska-accessible

Your God… doesn’t worship himself more than you worship him

Here is a short list of people this excludes:

  • Madonna
  • Mischa Barton
  • Mel Gibson
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Matthew McConaughey
  • Pretty much every actor or actress whose name begins with ‘M’… no really, its’ true. Let’s keep going:
  • Mike Myers
  • Michael Jackson
  • Most of the Screen Actors Guild

Your God… isn’t Keira Knightley’s chin

Impressing followers with enormous idols was a trick of the Bronze Age. You’re not fooling anyone these days, Keira!

Fig. 3, It’s just enormous


noodleguy said...

I note that most of the Gods in my Pantheon of Deities are safe after this purging of false idols.
1) The Flying Spaghetti Monster weareth not sunglasses, glasses, nor doth he govern the state of Alaska.
2) Chuck Norris. End of story.

FrodoSaves said...

Ah, then maybe we'll just call this guide Part I then.