Defendant: Your Honor, the so-called victim hasn’t even presented any evidence. She just claimed I raped her and everyone seemed to accept it.
Judge: The victim believes you raped her, as will the jury, unless you can disprove the rape.
Defendant: I submit that the burden of proof should not be reversed like that.
Judge: I submit blah blah blah. According to the Frodo’s Doctrine of Faith, any allegation stands until it can be disproved. So, what have you got to say for yourself?
Defendant: Well Judge, for one thing, I haven’t even got a penis.
Judge: How’s that?
Defendant: Well I’m an M&M.
Judge: You don’t say.
Defendant: Don’t you recognize me from the commercials? Melt in your mouth not in your hand? Me and Round are just corporate mascots. We can’t rape people!
Judge: The guilt of your co-defendant is not currently being questioned. Do you have any further submissions?
Defendant: Well I’m not even real – I’m a completely fictional computer generated model!
Judge: Unfortunately we all believe you exist, and the claimant believes you raped her. I find none of your evidence compelling. This court finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Now for sentencing. For the crime of rape, the defendant must say ten Hail Frodos, apologize to the victim, and give us a whole bunch of money. This will ensure that your soul has been saved by the time you’re executed.
Defendant: Wait, what?! Executed?! Hold on, why am I even being tried by this court? I should be in a real court of law. I don’t even believe in Frodo!
Judge: Wait a minute. You don’t believe in Frodo? Well that’s much worse! The rape was forgivable, but unbelief is a crime of the worst order. Immediate execution with no chance of redemption!
Defendant: So let me get this straight. You want to kill me with a guilty soul so that I’ll be sent to be judged by a deity I don’t even believe in, and be condemned to eternal damnation for the crime of not believing in him, even though you’re not going to give me the chance to repent and allow me to believe in him?
Judge: Precisely. I sentence you to immediate death by squishing.
If a court of Frodo was a Sharia court…
Judge: How does the defendant respond to the allegations of rape?
Defendant: It wasn’t me.
Judge: Well that’s probably true. You're free to go.