It is imperative that Mr. McCain is elected to the highest office, since otherwise we will all be ruled by a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a homosexual. Or a black guy. I can’t be sure which, there’s an awful lot being said in the news. In any case, life under the Democrats would be no life at all. I can’t remember the reasons why, but I remember they were good ones.
We want a President with experience, damn it. We want the guy who’s a war hero, and who was locked up in a bamboo cage for the majority of that war, and consequently knows how to sit tight and be patient. We are prepared to meekly accept the repressed emotional baggage and frail heart condition that come with said bamboo cage.
We want change. Not too much, but some, which is why we don’t want the guy who will actually change things. Let us preserve the status quo, but still vote for the guys who calls themselves mavericks so that we can feel good about ourselves, like the rush you get from a Six Flags rollercoaster. Not the ones that go upside down, but the one that has no line because everyone else is waiting to get on the ones that do go upside down. Yeah, we want some of that.
Why are we hoping to elect a couple of Christians? Because Christianity serves as a good base from which Frodology can make its bid for power. Just as Christianity was a step up from Judaism, and Islam was a step up from camel husbandry, or whatever it is people do in the desert, Frodology is the natural progression from them.
How can we be so certain of success? Surveys reveal that the value people get from religion is not spiritual enlightenment, comfort, or even the limitless supply of choir boys, but rather the need to obey a stern overlord. Once citizens begin to identify Frodo as a source of ultimate authority, the transition should be easy.
And now, a short poem.
Once upon a night so clear
Christians crouched and squirmed in fear
Of the libs who gnashed and fought
To make our values all for naught
Gays and Jews and democrats
Buzzing like a cloud of gnats
Will tear this country limb from limb
And prostitute us on a whim
Getting drunk on Frodo’s tears
And fornicating with the queers
Tonight we vote to stem the tide
And strip the homos of their pride
We seem to have a gay complex
And a general fear of sex
You may think the GOP repressed
But in fact we have been blessed
John McCain is the solution
No more teaching evolution
Else our children we’ll be failing
Bow down now and worship Palin