The soul market is a competitive one, and it’s no secret that the various faiths proffer tantalizing benefits to count you among their members. Mormons supply you with quaint underwear, and Scientologists offer the unique experience to die in circumstances of appalling medical negligence. Many, however, save a few bucks with the winning idea of the afterlife. Christians are promised eternal bliss, while Islamic martyrs also receive 72 virgins, bounty apparently not already encompassed in the definition of “eternal bliss”.
That souls are eternal is a conclusion we can all happily draw without expending time or money to research the question. Frodologist theologians have however identified an enormous period in the soulspan in which its salvation is not being catered for: the period before birth, or as we call it, the beforelife.
Mark Twain wrote that “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” Perhaps he wasn’t inconvenienced, but that’s not aiming very high is it? What if you could prepare for your entire life ahead of time, so that you could forget it all at infancy, and spend the rest of your life remembering it until dementia took over so you could forget it again.
Of course, if you’re reading this, you’ve already missed the opportunity to enjoy the beforelife. But since appeals to their unborn children are generally effective on religious types, think about how much your child could benefit from his or her beforelife. All you have to do is join Frodology, and profess your belief in Frodo. If you’re already a Frodologist, don’t worry, your unborn child is from this very moment, enjoying his beforelife. Just ensure your membership dues are up to date, and you can officially consider yourself a good parent.
Still not sold on the idea? Can’t see what benefit a beforelife offers? Maybe you’re wondering, “what if my child’s actual life is a huge disappointment compared to his beforelife?” Well maybe you should bone up on your parenting. Or you could think of your beforelife like a trailer. At the cinema, don’t trailers make you think “gee, I can’t wait to see that!”? Perhaps you wouldn’t say “gee”. That’s understandable. It’s kind of gay.
And if that doesn’t make you want your children to experience salvation through a beforelife, I give up. Choose Christianity, or some damn thing.
The beforelife: having one is as simple as choosing to have one.