Thursday, November 27, 2008

The Beforelife

The soul market is a competitive one, and it’s no secret that the various faiths proffer tantalizing benefits to count you among their members. Mormons supply you with quaint underwear, and Scientologists offer the unique experience to die in circumstances of appalling medical negligence. Many, however, save a few bucks with the winning idea of the afterlife. Christians are promised eternal bliss, while Islamic martyrs also receive 72 virgins, bounty apparently not already encompassed in the definition of “eternal bliss”.

That souls are eternal is a conclusion we can all happily draw without expending time or money to research the question. Frodologist theologians have however identified an enormous period in the soulspan in which its salvation is not being catered for: the period before birth, or as we call it, the beforelife.

Mark Twain wrote that “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” Perhaps he wasn’t inconvenienced, but that’s not aiming very high is it? What if you could prepare for your entire life ahead of time, so that you could forget it all at infancy, and spend the rest of your life remembering it until dementia took over so you could forget it again.

Of course, if you’re reading this, you’ve already missed the opportunity to enjoy the beforelife. But since appeals to their unborn children are generally effective on religious types, think about how much your child could benefit from his or her beforelife. All you have to do is join Frodology, and profess your belief in Frodo. If you’re already a Frodologist, don’t worry, your unborn child is from this very moment, enjoying his beforelife. Just ensure your membership dues are up to date, and you can officially consider yourself a good parent.

Still not sold on the idea? Can’t see what benefit a beforelife offers? Maybe you’re wondering, “what if my child’s actual life is a huge disappointment compared to his beforelife?” Well maybe you should bone up on your parenting. Or you could think of your beforelife like a trailer. At the cinema, don’t trailers make you think “gee, I can’t wait to see that!”? Perhaps you wouldn’t say “gee”. That’s understandable. It’s kind of gay.



And if that doesn’t make you want your children to experience salvation through a beforelife, I give up. Choose Christianity, or some damn thing.

The beforelife: having one is as simple as choosing to have one.

8 comments:

piggymceatsalot said...

If I pay my dues on time, will "movie trailer voice guy" narrate my before-life?

piggymceatsalot said...

PS - I just googled "movie trailer voice guy" and it seems he died in September. Had he paid his Frodology dues!? What if we'll never meet?

Dani' El said...

Why am I laughing so hard?

Oh yeah, it's funny because it's not true.

This is great stuff Frodo.
I'm at a loss as to why all the creeps at Raytractors aren't all Frodologists.
You should be rolling in tithes and offerings by now.
What gives?

Has Frodo turned his face away and given you over to your sin?
Or is he napping, on a long trip, caught meditating at the controls?

So Dani' El the prophet of YHWH mocked the false prophets of Frodo who cut themselves with lancets and shaved their furry toes till the blood gushed out.

And they called on the name of Frodo and when midday was past, they prophesied until the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice. But there was no voice; no one answered, no one paid attention.

FrodoSaves said...

I'm at a loss as to why all the creeps at Raytractors aren't all Frodologists.

You should know as well as anyone how difficult it is to garner people to your religion. Atheists are like mules. The bastard offspring of donkeys and horses and ugly as sin. No wait, that wasn't right.

Far from turning His face away, Frodo is merely biding His time. He lived thousands of years ago, you know, and despite the fact that He hasn't shown His face since, I am fully prepared to wait patiently until such time as he deigns to return. Perhaps I shall go so far as to predict His second coming, and even rise above the childish temptation to make a sex joke out of the occasion.

But I wouldn't count on it.

Dani' El said...

Atheists are like mules!
Amen!!

Where in the prophecies of the book of Tolkien (a Catholic spawn of Satan) does it foretell the return of Frodo?
Since you are the one and only Frodologist, isn't your frodo (note the spiteful lower case f)
a merciless god? Do you believe that all but you have perished without frodo?

One would think that Bilbo would have preeminence over frodo. Or is that idolatry in your eyes?

Oh, in case you missed the reference- 1 Kings 18:27

Vitamin R said...

Still not sold on the idea? Can’t see what benefit a beforelife offers?

Not for me, no. Who cares about my unborn, and unlikely spawn?

Maybe you’re wondering, “what if my child’s actual life is a huge disappointment compared to his beforelife?” Well maybe you should bone up on your parenting.

Or maybe you should make the beforelife just a bit less rock-tastic, hunh? Then life would seem a bit better, and the afterlife even better still.

You don't start with your best material. And you certainly can't expect better parenting than marginally okay.

Or you could think of your beforelife like a trailer. At the cinema, don’t trailers make you think “gee, I can’t wait to see that!”?

Yeah, but 90% of the time, it's thought and expressed in a really mocking tone. Except for that Benjamin Button trailer. . . that looks like it might not suck . . . anymore than Brad Pitt movies generally do.

Perhaps you wouldn’t say “gee”. That’s understandable. It’s kind of gay.

It depends on how you say the "gee". If it's loaded with sarcasm, then it always sounds appropriately manly. Even if it's a woman saying it.

The beforelife should be like Johnny Rocket's: nice, kitschy, but nothing to write home about. Life would suck even more if it were any better than that.

FrodoSaves said...

The beforelife should be like Johnny Rocket's: nice, kitschy, but nothing to write home about. Life would suck even more if it were any better than that.

A sort of hollow, nostalgic memory of the real thing, before it had even happened? Perhaps life would be like going to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris after seeing "it" in Vegas in the beforelife, and thinking "gee, it's actually kind of ugly."

Again, maybe you wouldn't say "gee." This time because it wouldn't be sarcasm, it would be genuine disappointment.

Dani' El said...

gee
–interjection Informal. (used to express surprise, disappointment, enthusiasm, or simple emphasis): Gee, that's great! Gee, I can't remember the book's title.

Origin:
1890–95, Americanism; euphemism for Jesus
--------------------------
Exo 20:7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

Have a nice day. :)