It’s no secret that we’re living in troubled times, and as Frodologists, we should be outraged that moor people aren’t asking their respective Almighties for a shot in the fiscal arm. Oh dear, did I say ‘moor’ people? I meant ‘more’ people. How clumsy and misleadingly racist that looks.
Indeed, Christians especially should be more vehemently praying for the economy. God, after all, has to pay child support too. Unfortunately, the courts tend to side with the mother in cases of illegitimate children, even when their mothers spout loony stories about being immaculate virgins. God has since become an outspoken proponent of protected sex, becoming Trojan’s most prolific spokesperson in recent years. In a recent press conference, God deplored the Holy See’s lax attitude to latex. “I can’t understand why the Vatican keeps pushing the abstinence only thing. It’s like they’re not even listening to me!”
That the economy needs praying for is not questioned. A major television network has recently toned down the pomposity of one of its most popular game shows, adopting a format more useful to its contestants.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is reportedly thrilled that Frodologists will be praying for the economy. He admitted that while the nation was looking to his steady hand to guide them through the worst of the upcoming recession, his interest rate cuts have been more akin to randomly fumbling with dials and levers than sound economic policy. “People forget that it’s Jews who are good with money, not Scots,” he confessed.
While Frodology’s habit of praying for things has been criticized by those more actively inclined, it is in fact perfectly in line with general religious policy. The passive involvement of prayer allows us to claim credit when something goes right, while loudly lambasting people who actually make tangible contributions when they fail or don’t promote a conservative agenda. The recent success of Proposition 8 in California is thus vindication of our prayers, and nothing to do with the fact that west coast bigotry occasionally outweighs voter apathy.
To guarantee the success of our efforts, we are handing out pamphlets actively encouraging the unemployed to pray rather than find new jobs. Not only does it prevent them cluttering up the streets with their unkempt ugliness, it also offer an ethereal waif of hope. Would the masses really wax hopeful if prayer didn’t work?
So put away your Oxford Encyclopedia of Dashed Hopes and Shattered Dreams, and come pray with us today!