Frodo claims the maelstrom

A series of earthquakes in the vicinity of Yellowstone National Park over the past few weeks has given geologists and unqualified, speculating laymen pause for thought, as debate abounds as to who or what is responsible. Experts are nearing consensus on the opinion that the low impact ground tremors are merely the Will of God, and have largely dispelled speculation as to a solely natural cause.

“Tectonic plate movements are frequently used by Jehovah to demonstrate his displeasure,” explained Yellowstone-based scientist, Rick Cavendish. Occurring as they did in late December and early January, the tremors are thought to have had something to do with the approaching inauguration of President Barrack Obama. Cavendish speculated that while God has been happy to have white men sit upon the throne in the United States for the past couple of centuries, He is now expressing anger at the election of a white man with a highly exaggerated suntan. “The Almighty is no fan of gamma rays,” noted Cavendish.

Scientists have been attributing a range of weather conditions to God's Will for several decades now. Explained eminent meteortheologist Gerald Spade, “we now believe avalanches convey God's infinite impatience, and lightning to be an expression of His excitement, sexual or otherwise.”

The conclusion of the meteortheological school is however far from uncontroversial. Traditional meteorologists, for example, have always held that hurricanes are a manifestation of God's anger, while lightning is merely a source of idle entertainment, not unlike playing with a Zippo, or perhaps his dong. Indeed, God has amassed so much of the Vietnamese currency that the central bank is having to issue millions of new banknotes into circulation.

In 2005, scientists nearly came to blows over Hurricane Katrina, which some attributed to the increasing popularity of sodomy, while others pointed out that gay sex rates had changed little over the preceding ever. Meanwhile, displaced residents of New Orleans were happy for the experts to decipher the meaning behind the storm before being rehoused. “Oh, I don't really mind, honey,” opined laundry owner Shaneqwa Matthews in August of that year. “We gots to know why God's making us suffer before they get us outta these army-issued cots, you know what I'm sayin'?”

(click to enlarge, unless you don't care, then screw it)

Certain meteortheological phenomenons have so far been unattributable to the On High, however, and in the lull other deities have spoken up to claim them for themselves. Norse god Odin was reportedly pleased at having secured the flurry for himself, but has since taken flak for choosing the "sissiest of the storms," according to Thor, a casual acquaintance. The Messiah Frodo on the other hand was quick to take responsibility for the maelstrom, a type of ocean whirlpool long feared by sailors and the type of hysterical cruise ship traveler that has no appreciation for how rare they are. Since it was a maelstrom that sank Captain Nemo's submarine the Nautilus at the end of Jules Verne's historical account, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, it is open to speculation whether Monsieur Verne was himself a Frodologist.

Interestingly, due to the recent reemergence of a lost poem recounting Frodo's legendary slaying of the Kraken, scholars have begun to ponder whether the maritime connection is merely a coincidence, or perhaps representative of some unknown facet of Frodological lore.

The debate continues, and witnesses of other nautical events involving the Messiah Frodo are meanwhile encouraged to report them to their local Fro'Moe without delay.

New layout / known issues

Frodologists!

You may have noticed either the new layout, the increased activity in your RSS feed, or perhaps both. I decided that the old layout was a bit distracting and didn't convey the sense of quality that readers might demand from an unprofessional, irregularly published, and largely irrelevant religious satire blog. A few days of tinkering with things I didn't understand, and voilà!

RSS feed

I had to publish the disclaimer and contact and about pages so that I could link to them from the sidebar. They probably don't contain anything you don't already know, so feel free to ignore them.

Reader favorites

There is a link-to-be on the sidebar that will one day take visitors to a list of readers' favorite/favourite Frodlogy posts. If anyone remembers an article which particularly made them laugh, I'd love to know what it is. Thanks!

Known issues

Since I've only been testing the new layout on a separate blog for a couple of days, there are inevitably going to be things wrong with it. Such as:

• The font in the footer is wrong and I can't seem to change it,  so until I do, it's only going to have a picture. 
  
• The page is quite visually intensive which means it might take longer to load on slower browsers. If many people think it's loading too laboriously, let me know by commenting or e-mailing me, and I'll change it.
  
• The fancy little drop shadows at the edges of the main window, sidebar etc were acheived through using images that Internet Explorer 6 doesn't support properly. They work on Internet Explorer 7, Apple Safari, and Google Chrome, and they should display correctly in Mozilla too. If they don't show up, again, let me know. If it's because you're using IE6 or below, well, I don't know how to say this, but you should really get a better browser.

If you find anything else, please let me know!

Frodo's new shirt

Esteemed reader,

In accordance with our policy of greatly valuing the superficial, Frodology will soon be undergoing an aesthetic overhaul. The changes include a few pretty pictures and layout tweaks. If the content improves too, please chalk that up to a coincidence.

To better assume an air of legitimacy, I will be launching the 'beta' phase in the next couple of days. I've read somewhere that one does this to ensure that one's coding is rigorous and sturdy. Since I happily hacked away at the HTML for a few days without caring much about the consequences, or indeed knowing what I was doing, I anticipate that this 'beta' stage may be necessary.

So, when you open your browser and are greeted by the slickest thing since Shia LeBeouf's hair in Indiana Jones, don't be alarmed, you're not in the wrong place.

Slavishly yours,

FrodoSaves

Israel envious of California's San Andreas fault

It emerged earlier this week that Israel, perennial favorite of the Holy Land, has become envious of California, specifically of its San Andreas fault. Experts have long predicted that California is overdue an earthquake large enough for the continental United States to be forever free of it. Whether it results from God's terrible but infinitely loving wrath or the San Andreas fault line is yet to be seen, though scientists admit they would be “surprised” should it turn out to be the former.

Regardless, Israel has cottoned onto the tectonic plate theory as being a plausible solution to the decades' old Israel-Palestine conflict. “We want it to be our fault,” explained an Israeli official, "and pretty soon, it will be". Long a deviser of original fixes for complicated issues, Israel's latest idea has been leapt upon by nearly all parties concerned. The so-called 'Quartet' has openly lauded a new tectonic plate as a “thoroughly practical solution to a hugely incendiary problem”, and at the same time disavowed itself of the Bush administration's Road Map for Peace, now thought to be a thoroughly mundane solution to a drastic vocabulary problem.

In describing the nature of the solution, Israel was quick to thank the early 20th Century British government for its efforts, saying “it's not that the land isn't holy enough – it is, it absolutely is, it's great in fact – but ever since you gave it to us, our neighbors have been jealous and want to use it too.” Warning of the need for restraint, Britain cautioned Israel that it no longer had the receipt for the land, but that it would look for it and if possible inquire with the UN whether store credit was available. It suggested that, should the earthquake idea not work, a second diaspora to Iceland might be a “thoroughly obvious solution to a fairly elementary problem.”

In the event that it is not, Israel is already studying how to implement the tectonic plate idea. “Since our neighbors aren't so fond of us, it might be nice to drift into the Med,” explained Avi Goldberg, an engineer on the project. “Just imagine it: no problems, peaceful Mediterranean island life. I've always wondered what it would like to live on Cyprus.” Popular opinion has swelled behind the idea, abandoning such trite projects as the cooperatively produced 'Peace Oil', long derided as a thoroughly ridiculous olive-based solution to a non-culinary problem.

Critics note however that many of Israel's opponents want an end to its existence, rather than a change in location. “I don't think it's just semantics,” opined one scholar. Yet there is cause for optimism. Recently, Israeli forces discovered members of Hamas planting explosives on Israel's border. After thanking them for their assistance, the bombers were released, and encouraged to finish the job. Citizens are reportedly pleased to see the spirit of the current ceasefire extending across the border.

Tangentially relevant octopus art

A few weeks ago I drew a picture in tribute to PZ Myers, beloved heathen blogger of Pharyngula, depicting a cephalopod battling a gaggle of orcs. Since it is self-evidently a masterpiece of crudely drawn monochrome crossover artwork, it would be a shame to allow the world to be a lesser place for never having seen it. Also, there was no cartoon in my previous post.


"Child of Frodo"

Click to enlarge (and then some)


Frodo be with you all.

What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Frodo?

Since starting this website one of our most frequently received questions from both Frodologists and convert-hopefuls alike is the nature of followers’ relationship with Frodo, praise Him. “What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Him?” they ask. “How is my relationship with Frodo different than my relationship with the Christian God, or the Teletubbies?” others wonder.

While there are satirically-convenient similarities, each follower’s personal relationship with his Lord is quite different to one a Christian might have with his Jesus. It’s better too.

To really understand how a Frodologist communicates with Frodo, and opens his heart in so doing, this article has been laid out in the format of a series of questions.

How can I talk to Frodo?

You can talk to Frodo all the time! Best of all, it’s completely up to you how to do it. Most Frodologists prefer to do it silently, in their head. But if you feel full of faith, you’re free to talk to him out loud as well. You should be warned, however, that since a handful of Frodologists have been pelted with eggs whilst openly praying to Frodo on public transportation, vocal conversations with Him carry their risks.

How is that different than talking to myself?

Talking to yourself is not officially sanctioned by the Faith, and it’s something you can do on your own time.

Will Frodo respond to me?

It is important to remember that Frodo is one of the busiest deities there is, and he may not respond to you. Alternatively, some theologians believe Frodo may have lost the faculty of speech after all these years.

Accordingly, the Council of Fro’Moes have adopted the divinely revealed Doctrine of Silent Assent. This means that should Frodo not respond to a believer’s prayer, the believer can assume that Frodo gives his blessing to the request. In the spirit of the Doctrine, the Fro’Moe’Co was able to adopt it when they submitted it in proposal form to Frodo, asked for his approval, and heard nothing. What a truly fascinating study in applied theology!

This illustrates a key difference between Frodology and other faiths. While other religions might distinguish between wishes (which aren’t granted) and prayers (which are), Frodo simply grants nothing!

On the rare occasion that Frodo does respond to you, contact your local Fro’Moe immediately, as it is vital that the Faith is able to guide you, and not leave you to decipher His Divine Word alone. Also, you will shortly be committed to an institution. It is our experience that Frodo never responds, so you’re probably just mentally ill.

How do I know if He’s listening?

It can sometimes be tricky to distinguish between the Doctrine of Silent Assent and not being heard, but Frodologists can take comfort in the knowledge that Frodo can always hear you. What evidence do we have of that, you ask? Why, it’s right in the definition of “omniscience”! If Frodo is omniscient, then he is aware of everything at all times. It’s as simple as this nice, smooth, Ring of Power-shaped logic.

How do I ask forgiveness?

You can ask forgiveness for a whole raft of crimesins, from adultery through to things you suspect aren’t even sins! Additionally, the Frequent Prayer Program means that repeat offenders can streamline the forgiveness process. In combination with the DSA, the FPP (which was adopted via the DSA) means that the atonement procedure is far quicker than it is in other faiths. So if you feel like sticking it to the neighbor’s wife five nights out of seven, this might just be the religion for you! After all, since Frodo saw fit to make us all feckless crimesinners, it’s a mark of His beneficence that He afforded us this concession.

What do I get from praying to Frodo?

Frodo can give you comfort with His silence. Like the sense of peace you can only get from white noise, or perhaps that disturbing suffocating sensation you get when you enter a sound-proofed room, the complete quiet of an answered prayer gives succor to all believers.

Truly, Frodo has earned his motto, “be neither seen nor heard.”

Do I get to have sex with Frodo?

Frodo is thought to have had an extremely small penis, which would almost certainly leave modern women unsatisfied. This is of course a sign of His holy sanctity, as the female orgasm is a manifestation of Evil. His inability to cause them, even with his stubby little fingers, is surely a sign of His purity.

More questions? Then send 'em in!

Contact

You are welcome to contact me (FrodoSaves) at frodology@yahoo.com.

I welcome questions, comments, complaints, and even the occasional compliment.

If you want to contribute on a one-off or more permanent basis, send me an e-mail and we'll see if we can work something out.

About Frodology

Religion is perhaps the greatest source of untapped comedy material. Scientology sounds like something a 9-year old would cook up in a creative writing class. The universe is only billions of years old? Screw that, my characters have been around for trillions. Thumb nose, exit stage left.

But in our rash bid to lash out at the most outrageous of sincerely held beliefs, there's a real danger of overlooking the most uproariously ridiculous of religious tenets, usually standing a hairbreadth from our collective nose.

If you're in a public place right now - a cafe, train, library or bathroom (you creepy bastard) - then please, take a look around. See that guy over your left shoulder? He worships a reanimated corpse. The woman in front of you? She's convinced that, despite every single shred of evidence scientists have ever uncovered, dinosaurs once walked the earth with man. 

This is unrivalled material, but there's a problem. You can't rely on the religious to make fun of themselves. The task thus falls to us, and it is this blog's lofty ambition to satirize and ridicule religion via the worship of Frodo, the scrappy, unlikely protagonist of The Lord of the Rings. For Frodo is our Messiah, our Lord, and our stand-in metaphor for Simon & Garfunkel songs. 

After all, as your Creator, who are you to question?

Disclaimer

This website and its content is entirely satirical. The content is fictional and should not be treated as true or accurate in any respect. It is entirely the opinion of the blogger and is not intended to harm any person, group, organization or body corporate. Names and visages of public figures are used for the purposes of parody and satire. All other names and characters are fictional and invented. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. The webmaster assumes no responsibility for comments left by other visitors or content hosted outside of this blog. Visitors to this blog assume all responsibility for complying with local laws, including but not limited to defamatory provisions protecting government and/or religious groups, which apply in the territory from which they access this blog.

Man – the Last 10,000 Years

The year two thousand oh-nine is an auspicious one, and accordingly it seems fitting that it should be chosen as the year in which to review man’s accomplishments of the past ten millennia. These twelve months will indeed be momentous, featuring nothing less than the inauguration of America’s first black President, the inauguration of America's first Christian President that half the nation thinks is Muslim, and the publication of a seminal history of the past ten thousand years.

Let us then join hands in a creepy born-again Christian way, and journey back…

Ca. 8,000 BCE – Significant quantities of ice make domesticating animals and crops difficult. Man takes succor from promise of imminent global warming and delights in mass extinctions as fauna fails to adapt to warmer climes. Even at this early stage, man is such a bastard.

Ca. 7,400 BCE - Man successfully kills off his foe, the wooly mammoth. The role of largest hairy land mammal is assumed by primitive Armenians.

Ca. 7,000 BCE – Man domesticates plants and animals thereby developing agriculture. His invention of the tractor and narrow country lanes infuriates non-farming man for the rest of human history.

Ca. 6,311 BCE – Invention of written language makes early caveman think history is accelerating. Throg of Lower Boulderia first coins ‘synergy’ and ‘paradigm shift’. Man nostalgic for wooly mammoth.

5,081 BCE – Man invents wheel.

5,080 BCE – Man invents intellectual property law. Suicide invented by creator of wheel.

Ca. 2,500 BCE – Pyramids of Giza represent great achievement in architecture by early man until later man discovers they were constructed by digging away the desert around them.

Ca. 1,000 BCE – Book of Genesis written, demonstrating man has evolved sufficient intelligence to draw entirely the wrong conclusion as to his origins.

490 BCE – Athenian Pheidippides runs 26 miles to Athens after Battle of Marathon to announce Greek victory over Persia and dies on the spot. Recreational runners confident the 150 miles he ran over the previous two days were more likely to have killed him.

216 BCE - Hannibal of Carthage leads army across Alps with aid of elephants to crush Roman forces at Cannae. Romans in particular miss the wooly mammoth.

0 – ‘BCE’ becomes ‘BC’ for the next 2,000 years or so, until it is finally reunited with ‘E’, to the great jubilation of some.

Ca. 400 – St. Augustine of Hippo becomes pre-eminent scholar in Christendom after divining the doctrine of Original Sin out of what looked like thin air to everyone else, but which he guaranteed was actually divine revelation. He goes on to discover the vagina, but is largely unimpressed.

1000 – Inhabitants of the developed world run riot as Y1K bug strikes, wiping out crops and resetting sundials. The Jews are blamed.

1099 – Europe introduces itself to Muslimdom via 'faith enforcement action'. Eight crusades later and Vatican abandons policy of armed antagonism with hastily scrawled note reading ‘just kidding!’

1220s – Genghis Khan subdues all of Asia before his empire quickly collapses back into Mongolian obscurity, rivaling only Alexander the Great and his native Macedonia for anti-climatic conquests.

1405 – Chinese navigator Zheng He comprehensively sails the Indian Ocean all the way to Africa. He does this without testicles.

Ca. 1450 – Man invents early firearms hundreds of years after Chinese man invents gunpowder to eventual dismay of the latter. Fashionistas rue the decline of shiny suits of armor. Military chic eventually makes a return in the 20th Century when Michigan Militia begins selling range of camouflage maternity wear.

1453 – Muslimdom introduces itself to Europe, which belatedly discovers the rest of the world does not share its sense of humor.

1506 – Leonardo da Vinci paints the Mona Lisa and his lack of talent is mistaken for artistic genius when he fails to paint a woman-like woman. Critics debate the issue for nearly five centuries until a wildly popular novel convinces them never to mention it again. Ever.

1513 – Italian political theorist and self-help guru Machiavelli writes early piece of political satire. He spends the rest of his career wishing he hadn’t.

1536 – King Henry VIII reads St. Augustine’s opinion on vaginas and makes himself an unpleasant husband to several women.

1642 – English man throws off the shackles of monarchy in the English Civil War.

1660 – English man changes his mind, apologizes, and promises never to do it again.

1687 – Man discovers gravity. Subsequent generations think ‘no fucking kidding.’

1744 – Historians discover the past tense. They did not think much of it.

1789 – French Revolution sees man willing to die for liberté, equalité, fraternité and bestialité. Rest of Europe convinced it’s ‘just a phase’ from nation famous for fops and dandies. Rest of Europe soon conquered by Napoleon. French jokes invented by conquered rest of Europe in retaliation.

1825 – John Quincy Adams voted United States’ 6th President setting unfortunate precedent of electing former Presidents’ sons to nation’s highest office.

1860 – Forced labor enthusiasts naively instigate war against industrialized countrymen and lose, despite fetching uniforms and charming accents.

1920 –  Vaginas enter mainstream when they entitle certain persons to vote in the United States.

1937 – Man thinks he has invented the hobbit. He would later prove incorrect, and learn a valuable lesson in hubris in the process.

1939 – Man empowered by goofy moustache to conquer much of Europe.

1941 – United States collectively realizes ‘oh yeah, there’s a war on…’

1945 – Man betrayed by goofy moustache.

1973 – ‘Golden Age’ of pornography determines Augustine to be wrong in his estimation of the vagina. Found by critics to be ‘really, really awesome’.

1984 – Apple Computers releases the landmark Macintosh personal computer. Sales of the device soar thanks to wide range of accessories, including mice, printers and the wildly popular slouch.

1993 – Jurassic Park proves cinema has plateaued, with all subsequently released films being unoriginally derivative: King Kong is Jurassic Park with a giant ape; The Day After Tomorrow is Jurassic Park with  a terrible plot; The Shawshank Redemption is Jurassic Park with a prison.

1995 – Starbucks moves coffee into the mainstream and deceives 1-in-3 customers into thinking he can be a successful writer.

2001 – Wikipedia launches and adds exciting new element of uncertainty to learning process. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.^[28]

2004 – Google becomes first search engine to eponymously verb itself.

2006 – Publication of The God Delusion causes ripples in the literate world. Man accused of making himself god by theists, and temporarily disappears from existence when atheists profess lack of belief in him.

2008 – First black man voted President of United States only 13 years after first black man votes. Leaders of undeveloped, corrupt African nations wonder what the big deal is.

2009 – Man wonders how history can be accelerating when later centuries take much longer to read through. Man hopes to breed wooly mammoth from reonstructed DNA, but scientists skeptical it will be much more than Jurassic Park with M. primigenius.

Poverty - you'll have nothing to lose!

Like a big slobbery puppy love kiss, the global economic recession has been coming for a while and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. But like that canine salival baptism, there’s an upside too. As consumers frugally decide where to spend their hard earned McDonald’s vouchers, the savvier businesses are benefitting by learning to distinguish themselves from the pack.

Most notable amongst them is the new marketing campaign by several Christian churches, featuring the slogan “Poverty! You’ll have nothing to lose!” Explaining the incongruously upbeat message, Anglican pastor Bill Jacobs commented that “we feel it will be more useful if we can get our flocks excited about depression. And by ‘useful’ I mean ‘happy’. For Jesus.”

Initially the coalition had focused on recruiting new members with concepts like hope and faith, but they soon found out that Americans are not moved intangible nouns. “We saw how impassive people were when we bandied around words like ‘justice’, ‘morality’ and ‘morbid obesity’, so we thought we’d try something a little more real.”

Poverty, for example, is very tangible. “It tastes a bit like salty concrete,” explained the pastor, brushing gravel from his beard.

Some critics have however suggested that, far from a departure from the more usual “Jesus loves you” and “God hates fags” billboards, the new ones actually employ a tack already used by many churches. “It’s the idea of succumbing to a greater being,” noted billboard enthusiast, Jake White. “All they’ve done is replace God with poverty.”

Pastor Jacobs has also received criticism for what some call double standards, namely the installation of new carpeting and under floor heating in his rectory. Addressing his followers, the Pastor explained “it’s not for everyone. The poverty, that is. Parishioners are free to use the new carpet whenever they like.”

One commentator has however suggested that the billboards are likely to be ineffective. Noting that they merely capitalize on the defeatism of those lacking the imagination to improve their plight, advertizing expert Mary Fields argues that “embracing poverty is wholly passive and merely uses the same amount of energy as praying. Unless you’re a Baptist,” she added. “Due to the high calorie consumption involved in Baptist worship, we expect many of them to be slimming down over the coming months.”

In other news, this economic climate may seem like an odd choice in which to raise tithing fees, but that is precisely what Frodology has done. Frodo’s Head Minion on Earth (Fro’Moe) likened the brave move to the trailblazing bank which bucks the penny-pinching trend by lending money to risky creditors. Flinching both the question and shoe of a critical reporter at a recent press conference, the Head Fro’Moe explained that it was important that tax exempt institutions reap the benefit of higher incomes so that followers can benefit from the principle of trickle down the leg wealth distribution.

"In any case," asked the Fro'Moe, "is it really poverty when you're so rich in spirit?"

Gondor, Mordor opt for more wardor

MINAS TIRITH -- Following our report several months ago of the invasion of Mordor by Gondor land forces, we belatedly bring you news that the conflict has subsequently flared up again. The conflagration has come at an unfortunate time for the outgoing King of Rohan, who has been busy dwelling on his legacy and making lame proclamations of success and progress in the Middle-Earth conflict. No less so is his ineffectual Secretary of State, though her failure to make an impact is more likely due to her being both black and a woman, traits not highly regarded by Mordor negotiating parties.

The region came to blows again after Gondor responded to cross-border attacks by Mordor militants with a campaign of limited bombing and falafel-eating. The orc bombardment originated in a disputed zone which Gondor ceded to Mordor nearly three years ago, in what is now looking like a laughably trustworthy gesture.

While Gondor ministers and certain Mordor representatives profess hope in a ceasefire, they will not treat as good news the voting of ‘ceasefire’ as the most overused word of 2008. Some critics argue in any case that counting on a cessation of hostilities is fundamentally flawed, since South Mordor’s leadership refuses to recognize Gondor. Confused as to why this should be, Gondor's leadership are considering an alternative recourse.

The author apologizes for the lack of a relevant cartoon

Though the international community has spoken out against the scale of Gondor’s response, a Rohan official claims “it is important to recognize the frustration of Gondor over the community’s inability to bring about a two-state solution. Or a one-state or a three-state solution. Or any solution at all, really.”

Meanwhile, unthinking support for Mordor’s plight has become the latest fashionable cause among youngsters in the West since it was pulled from a hat earlier this month, nudging out other contenders such as global warming and decreasing North Sea cod stocks. While discussion of the conflict is rife on network talk shows, analysis is often limited to the “madman at your door” argument, and viewers are thought to be tiring of the scarcely credible, thinly veiled analogies.

Residents of the troubled region are mildly dismayed by both the bombardment and the casual understatement of their ordeal by the media. Some apparently regret having voted a terrorist organization into power, as opposed to one that was merely corrupt and useless. Mordor orc-children have also been unable to attend school throughout the bombing. "Many of the students missed today's lesson on karma and hubris," worried a local teacher.

A representative for Gondor’s forces has however been quick to point out that while most of the ceded area has already been destroyed, “we’re mostly targeting bomb craters now. They’re a real scourge,” he added.

Reader favorites

Some people maintain that torture doesn't work, but in some ways, that's just not true. This list of Frodology readers' favorite articles, for example, demonstrates that when those same people are deprived of their finger nails, they'll admit to loving things they've never even read.

Here, then, are the results of Frodology's survey by way of Premature Finger Termination Treatment:

Everyone loves a butchered work of literature, and never is that more true than when the act of desecration happens to improve it. Pictures help too. I give you The Lord of the Rings (abridged):

• The Fellowship of the Ring (abridged)
• The Two Towers (even more abridged)
• The Return of the King (superabridged, then lengthened slightly)

History is fun too, especially when it's not actually history at all and just consists of making fun of people with stupid names, their silly customs, and their gruesome deaths.

• Man - the last 10,000 years
  
• Ancient Sparta! (the exclamation mark means it's fun!)

Are you one of those people looking for a religion that holds your hand and guides you through life's trying times? One that gives you comfort, and whose priests occasionally get handsy? One where heartfelt advice can be exchanged for sexual favors? One that exploits your youth and vulnerability, and treats you like the dirty girl you are? No? Too far?

• Frequently Asked Questions
  
• How to Talk to Atheists

According to the good, trustworthy German folks at Blogcounter.com, this reader favorites page is itself a reader favorite. You can reach this page by clicking this link, or the slightly more popular option of doing nothing at all.

Still not convinced? See what other benefits Frodology can offer (although honestly, if the sexual favors didn't do it, this probably won't make a difference):

• Enroll for your MSc in Anfrodology
• The Beforelife

Chances are you came here primarily to laugh at Mormons, so these will right up your alley:

• In Defense of the Mormons
• Mormons and the Utahraptor

And because reading just plain sucks sometimes:

• Cartoon - "a vicious circle"

Scumbag website?

It has come to our attention that Frodology has been listed as a "scumbag website" by Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Michael J. Bisconti Th.D., D.Sc., Ph.D., Ph.M.D., S.J.D, at his website, the L.F. Nexus.

Apparently, the good doctor believes that Frodologists are mistaken as to "how college degrees are accredited."¹ On the contrary, it is him who has failed to add a further four "Dr." prefixes to his name. Since a doctorate is indubitably an indication of professional worth, intelligence, and time well spent, the public deserves not to be misled as to the presence of a veritable hero in their midst. In addition, we can only be thankful that Ol' Doc Bisconti, as he likes to be called, has provided us with the opportunity for our second ever footnote. Place of learning, indeed!

Though Frodology has only been rated as a "Baby Scumbag", we are unsure as to how this rank was achieved, as no grading rubric was supplied. We can only think this was an oversight on the part of Doctor Biccie, as certainly a man - nay, a legend! - of such elevated learning would never knowingly allow such an unscholarly mistake to stand uncorrected.

Furthermore, as the only other site listed as a scumbag is the wildly popular heathen website Pharyngula - a Medium Scumbag no less - we are thoroughly perplexed. Since Frodology apparently shares so much in common with Mr. Biscuit, I fail to see why we are listed as scumbags at all. Indeed, here are but a few brief examples of our common ground:

• We both believe in an afterlife (although he sadly does not believe in a beforelife)
  
• We are both fervent practitioners of misogyny
  
• We agree that homosexuality is treatable
  
• We both oppose evolution because it's just a silly theory, which means it's almost certainly wrong

Since we share so much in common, we would like to take the initiative as a gesture of good will and supply the L.F. Nexus with a scumbag grading scale which they may feel free to use at their convenience. Into the public domain, I release thee!

The Good Doctor's Sacred Scale of Supreme Scumbaginess
Baby Scumbag	The site in question has failed to give due regard to the Truths of the Lord Jesus Christ. The site may have made minor mistakes regarding accreditation of degrees, or may have made jokes that have subsequently been misinterpreted by one in ninety-eight people leading that person to think it has made such minor mistakes.
Small Scumbag	The website may have inadvertently blasphemed against the Lord Jesus Chris. Shit, Christ. With a 't'. The site may have failed to respond to allegations of Baby Scumbaginess, or conversely may have taken ironic pride in them (here's hoping).
Medium Scumbag	The site alleges to be devoted to science, and purports to be written by a respected professor at the University of Minnesota. It has the nerve to keep supplying evidence to support its wild claims.
Big Scumbag	The site continues to ignore the Will of the LJC. It may also feature more attractive formating than the L.F. Nexus, and a photo of its webmaster that doesn't look like Harrison Ford with wine-stained lips.
Monster Scumbag	The site could only be the personal stomping ground of one Professor Richard Dawkins, or perhaps the Devil, which amounts to the same thing.

In addition, dear reader, due the popular theological principle of inherited sin, you are sadly all scumbags too. My deepest apologies, but my hands are tied by Dr. Almond Biscotti, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Except dunk him in a latte.

---

1. Scumbag Websites!, Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Michael J. Bisconti Th.D., D.Sc., Ph.D., Ph.M.D., S.J.D, http://lfnexus.com/scumbagwebsites.htm, 15 January 2009

Frodo and the Kraken

Throughout human history tales of terrible beasts lying in wait beneath the waves have long inspired fear in the hearts of the hardiest sailors. But it is the legendary Kraken which truly gripped men’s hearts and shook from them every last drop of courage. Indeed, the terror occasioned by sharing the wide open sea with the infamous mythological monster is thought to have been rivaled only by the prospect of spending a night with a syphilitic St. Malo prostitute. Legend has it they were total dogs.

Some notable skeptics such as the Pope argue against the existence of this mercurial creature on the basis that its appearance in the annals is rare and inconsistent. Yet not even the staunchest of disbelievers can deny that sightings have sea monsters span from the time of Homer through to the present day.

By the 19th Century however, sightings of the beast had ceased. Sailors no longer feared wide expanses of ocean, and instead began to ponder all the fabulous, nubile sea nymphs they could stick their penises in. When gloating seaman put paid to their fantastical stories of mermaids by bringing home Steller's sea cow, France was alone in fielding an impressive batch of eager new naval recruits.

So what happened in the 18th Century to end the sightings and put mariners at ease? Had the Kraken merely grown quiet over the years then one would expect sailors to fear the oceans still, rather than confidently stab the seas with their pointy prows as they do. Frodological lore offers a compelling explanation in the form of an epic poem dating from 1783. Though only scraps remain, it tells the harrowing tale of a French frigate returning from Louisiana being ambushed and hounded by a mighty tentacled beast, dubbed by the author as 'le Cracquen'. But when all hope was lost, the author tells of the incredible appearance of a winged apparition, 'le Frodo', who slays le Cracquen and saves le petrified crew.

Here then is an excerpt depicting the appearance of Frodo and his climactic battle with the Kraken, translated from the original French.

Frodo and the Kraken

And lo! ye prow did suffer seas
The squall a rage which cloaked the beast
Our hearts were doused with brackish spray
And feared the more the violent fray

Aware we would be torn apart
By beast so vile and cold of heart
My soul did quake and spirit fear
The maw of Death that was so near

So piteous it found our plight
Resist as futile as take flight
Our vessel captained by Despair
Ensure it did our courage rare

So sure were we of Death's embrace
Beyond belief was His great grace
Yet from on High He did appear
With noble brow and fiery spear

Agape we watched and did behold
Our Lord and Master craft in gold
Aloft He soared with harpoon heft
And with a stroke its heart was cleft

And just as light destroys the dark
The beast was slain before the ark
And lo! it sank beneath the seas
The squall no more, it too deceased

For joy and praise our tears did flow
To glory in our Master's glow
As one we knelt now saved from foe
And shouted thrice All Hail Frodo!

Enroll for your MSc in Anfrodology today!

It is my pleasure to introduce you to one of the most exciting new disciplines in academia today. The study of anfrodology examines the origins of hobbits, and studies the journey of these scrappy little creatures through life. The subject asks whether development is progressive, and whether hobbits are the pinnacle of creation, before quickly answering both questions in the affirmative.

In some ways anfrodology is a 'new' subject. For example, no one had heard of it before it was created out of thin air a few hours ago. But at the same time, it's also a very 'old' subject, in the sense that we can make up history too.

Few universities offer the degree, and even fewer employers recognize it, so you'll be entering an exclusive club by enrolling. But hold on! Don't take my word for it. Browse the curriculum and multitude of benefits to studying for a master's degree in anfrodology, then take my word for it.

Curriculum

Fun fact! The word 'curriculum' comes from the Latin curriculum, which means 'cucumber' in English.

1. In the first semester, students will take a philosophy of science module which encourages them to challenge their preconceptions. The class, 'Everything you learned about evolution in high school was wrong (and you're a bad person too)', prepares students for the rigors of participating in scarcely credible seminars and stretching their trust in their teachers to near Christian proportions.

2. Concurrently, students enrolling for Autumn 2009 will be the final class to take the module 'The Origins of Woman', in which they will discover the shocking truth that she is the result of a chance mutation from a turnip. Since she has plateaued developmentally ever since, a concept science calls 'stagnation', woman will not feature at all in future syllabi. Syllabye bye!

3. Students will then take the highly popular module, 'Turnips - Our Intellectual Inferiors?' During the course of study they will learn exciting Truths such as the progressive nature of development, aided by an archaic looking 19th Century Pyramid of Life learning companion.



Fun Fact! If it can't be depicted triangularly, it can't be true.

4. In the second year (surprise, there's a second year!) students will be foremost concerned with a module called 'Pure Blind Chance - Secondary Deity and Motor of Change'. Considered a highlight of the course, students learn how development is entirely the result of randomness and luck. Learning to properly worship Chance as a servant of Frodo absorbs much of students' time, but through doing so they learn how it is responsible for all of life's creations, and discover why no transitional fossils such as Australopithecus or Homo habilis exist.

5. Learning in the second year is augmented by seminars on 'Theories are the Worst Kind of Science'. Students are taught how the rules described by any theory could easily change at any time, as soon as next week, because by definition theories are unproven. The seminars involve a thought experiment, which encourages students to imagine a system whereby creatures slowly develop across millennia through a passive selective mechanism, resulting in the continued propagation of certain species due to the suitability for life of observable random mutations. Through suspending their disbelief via this absurd example, students learn how the natural laws governing the universe could easily be different.

Fun fact! Increasing paragraph length is a sign of poor planning.

6. In the second semester, students learn how natural mechanisms should dictate their ethical creed in the module 'Morality - Slaying the Fickle Beast'. Students must complete an end of year project, which consisted last year of helping the Malayan lesser crested warbler into early endangerment to make more room for the Malayan greater crested warbler.

7. The final module, a case study on irreducible complexity, teaches students how to apply what they have learned in the real world. In previous years, students have had to write theses on the irreducible complexity of each stage in the evolution of the eye: from a single photosensitive cell, through a collection of such cells, to the development of 'pinhole camera' eyes, protective lenses, and ending with the multicellular complex ocular organs of hobbits. That's a lot of irreducible complexity!

But wait, there's more!

Anfrodology degrees feature additional benefits that other subjects don't share. For example, anfrodology students get the opportunity to travel to the Gondor-Mordor border for excavation work. Due to recent political developments, there is currently an abundance of fresh proto-fossils, a biological compound not unlike a corpse.

Also, scripture reading is heavily encouraged. We consider it a type of 'distance learning', because it challenges students to see how far away they can get from observable reality before they stop making sense.

What you'll get from studying with us

• Reinforcement of your opinions and an offended sense of self-righteousness whenever anyone contradicts you
  
• Next to no life experience outside the subject itself
  
• Herpes, thanks to the campus-wide ban on condoms

Amusing headline diverts readers from total lack of content

Readers of a blog were titillated today by a witty headline, despite their qualms that the article they were about to read would be an exercise in self-indulgent stalling. While the blog in question had been notable for its occasional witticisms, there was speculation that the author of the blog was embarrassed about the slackening quality of his articles. Use of the passive voice was noted by readers as the most obvious indication of deteriorating quality.

Experts thought that while loyal visitors might be entertained by the obscure humor, newcomers would be deterred by the impenetrable masturbatory joke telling and casual sex references.

While readers speculate that the author is running out of fresh material, worries that he would resort to cheap shots like calling Jesus a turd proved unfounded, and some conservative readers were relieved at the refreshing lack of blasphemy. Others have however voiced their concerns about being seen to follow such a contentless blog publicly, noting that a blogger always has his reputation to think about.

Internet pundits believe that the errant, overtly purposeless blog post will have grave repercussions in the battle between good and evil, which is heating up due to the increasing numbers of atheist bloggers who don't believe in evil.

Others are justifiably worried about the proliferation of meta-jokes and the possible 15-second delay involved in Wikipedia-ing what that means. While readers were previously happy to laugh at jokes about God, some don’t know how to react to jokes about jokes. As one humorless Christian blogger, Roy Cozy, has noted, “two jokes don’t make a right… I mean ‘funny’.” Still, Mr. Cozy is glad to see the continuing use of fictional personalities as placing things in quotes tends to make them “much funnier.”



Still others are skeptical as to how many different opinions there can genuinely be on a subject, and wonder whether asserting one person’s absurd opinion after another is merely a tool to pad out the article. Optimists take note however, that in the current anti-intellectual milieu, the blog in question is a rare refuge for grammar sticklers and opponents of flagrant mispellings [sick].

Disclaimer: written whilst drunk
Reclaimer: published while sober

Frequently Asked Questions

Every faith finds itself at that point in time where it is pinned by its believers' increasingly paranoid questions against the rock of its own exposure. It's crunch time. Do you stick to your story, or admit there was a sperm involved? Is it possible you got the age of the Earth wrong, or can you successfully dismiss 4 1/2 billion years of rocks with a wave of the hand?

For Frodology, that time is at hand. Here then, are our twenty most frequently asked questions.

1. Why did Frodo and Sam have to trek all the way to Mordor when Gandalf had that allegiance with the Eagles? They flew them away, why not fly them there?

The eagle is a proud creature of the order Minor Background Characters. It is remarkable for its habit of showing up when a protagonist has painted himself into a corner from which it is impossible to escape, without him dying of course. A single eagle raises between two and three young simultaneously, and its nest is known as an 'aerie'.

2. Boromir lugged that heavy shield all the way from Gondor only to forget it when he was shot in the chest with three arrows, arguably the time when he needed it most. What gives?

There is actually only paltry evidence that his leather bound, studded bronze shield even was a shield. Apart from using the shield as a shield to fight goblins and the cave troll in the Moria mines, no further mention is made of the shield-like object. Its shield-like appearance is therefore thought to be only a coincidence, and it is far more likely that the shield was actually a pillow, or perhaps a fruit bowl.

3. Eowyn is said to have killed the Witch King leader of the Ringwraiths. How is this possible when we now know that she was a woman?

We now live in an enlightened age where misogyny and sex discrimination are not tolerated. Women are perfectly capable of accomplishing things when they are given help by others, just as Eowyn was helped to kill the Witch King by the hobbit Merry.

4. The demon that drags Gandalf from the bridge of Kazad-Dum and battles him to the summit of a mountain is made from fire and shadow. I didn't know fire and shadow could do that.

That's not really a question.

5. The ents eventually leave the forest to bring hell upon the evil wizard Saruman at Isengard, but only after they let an army escape, one that later kills a lot of people. Why didn't they do something sooner?

Ents are a type of tree, and it is widely considered miraculous by Frodologists that they "did" anything at all.

6. When Gandalf, Elrond and Frodo 'sail into the West' at the end of the final book, where exactly are they going?

At this point in time, it was not known that the globe was spherical, so presumably they thought they were sailing to the end of the Earth, or the 'Undying Lands'. Cirdan, the elven shipwright, had never left his home port and would not have known that they would merely end up several thousand miles East of where they started. He would later lose his shipwright's license and purchase a Radio Shack franchise.

7. I find myself attracted to the character of Grima Wormtongue. Is there something wrong with me? What if he looks like my middle school PE teacher?

There is nothing wrong with you. Grima was a handsome individual, widely loved for his greasy black hair, pale, watery eyes, and ghostly complexion. Frodo teaches us to follow love where we find it. If that happens to be your PE teacher, then who is to stop you, other than the law and your teacher's contract of employment?

8. After installing a new hard drive, Windows freezes on the login screen and won't even accept my password. Is that supposed to happen?

Ensure your drive is set to 'slave' mode. Frodo teaches that great deeds are possible through enslavement.

9. Gandalf says that Gollum evolved from a river person, a creature not unlike a hobbit. How is that possible when we know evolution is false?

Gollum was an unholy, evil creature, and evolution is an unholy, evil theory. Poetically it's fitting, provided you don't trouble yourself over the how.

10. Don't you think Glorfindel is a pretty gay name?

I do.

11. You criticize Christians who think that their god created the world from an infinite supply of silly putty, but you believe that a bunch of sky fairies sang the world into existence. What the fuck does that even mean?

We now think that 'sang' is a metaphor for 'allowed to occur through natural processes'.

12. In The Fellowship of the Ring, the group bands together and glories in killing a troll, when it's clearly an endangered species. Isn't that kind of wrong?

Not if you consider that the animal's endangerment is punishment for its evildoing, notwithstanding its inability to comprehend the concepts of guilt, punishment, justice, or evil. It's all part of Frodo's plan.

13. At the very beginning, Sauron is killed when Isildur merely chops off a few of his fingers. Is he a hemophiliac or something?

Scientists nowadays think it was more the shock that killed Sauron, rather than the loss of a few fingers. The sudden pain sent his adrenal gland into overdrive, which gave him a heart attack and caused his body to, uh, evaporate. These things happen.

14. It's a huge deal when Elrond reforges Narsil, "the Sword that was Broken" and convinces Aragorn to wield it, proving he's King of Gondor. But if it was broken, it's clearly not a very good sword, is it?

We believe that Aragorn wanted to have someone else to blame if the sword broke again. It's a concept known as 'delegating responsibility'.

15. At least four people wear the Ring and go invisible: Isildur, Gollum, Bilbo, and Frodo. But when Sauron wears it, all it does is make him look like he's married. Was Sauron married?

Oh, I, um, was expecting a different question... Well, records suggest that despite his many minions, Sauron lived a fairly lonely life. The closest you could say is that Sauron was 'married' to the Ring. The analogy is apt, as Sauron was willing to enslave and torture while under his spouse's corrupting influence.

16. In the film when Sam and Frodo walk through Mordor, we see hundreds of thousands of orcs, but no visible means of supporting them. Where are the farms and shops? Did they even have irrigation?

Viewers have received a distorted view of Mordor from watching the film, seeing as they did only the barren scrub land of North Mordor. The orcs marshaling there had traveled a great distance from their homes in South Mordor, or Mesomodoria, a region largely ignored by Tolkien, but famed for its agricultural bounty and culture. We still hate them though.

17. Gandalf is thousands of years old and enormously wise, and yet still has to google "gold ring makes wearer invisible" to discover that Bilbo is in possession of the One Ring. Shouldn't he be better at his job?

That's a little unfair on Gandalf. Googling is a legitimate element of most office jobs these days, and is generally what lawyers are referring to when they speak of "research". Furthermore, the Wikipedia page on the One Ring was only a stub when Gandalf began his search.

18. Sauron's tower only has one all seeing eye. Doesn't that interfere with his depth perception?

Absolutely. In fact, when Frodo first dons the Ring whilst staying at a tavern in Bree, Sauron could be seen madly swinging his sword on the steps of his dark tower, thousands of miles away. Orcs embarrassed by their leader's klutzy discoordination are said to have deserted Sauron in droves at this point.

19. Why do the Black Gates open outwards? Wouldn't it be better if it was called the Black Cupboard?

Um... no.

20. Gondor and Mordor have been fighting over the same patch of dirt for yonks. Wouldn't it have been in both their interests to establish a power sharing agreement with a rotating leadership, under the supervision of a neutral third party?

Gondor benefits from thriving wartime industries. It is widely known as a manufacturer of quality armor, and but for the aid it desperately solicits from Rohan in times of conflict, Gondor's economy would likely suffer. That and all of Mordor is stupid and evil. All of it. Every last conscious being. Would you share power with them?

The good thing about an FAQ is that nowhere in the title does it say that questions are going to be adequately answered.

The Ten Suggestions – Part I

It is no secret that Christians like to be told in no uncertain terms what to do by a trusted authority figure, much like a child is easily led into the back of a windowless van outside his school. Frodologists, however, prefer to be cajoled and persuaded. It is this free-wheeling, ‘hobbitesque’ attitude that the Faith has wholeheartedly come to embrace, after many, many centuries of brutally trying to suppress it.

For this reason, Frodo’s Law is generally distilled not into rigid dogma, but into ten practical, easily-swallowed suggestions. The Suggestions are subdivided into five Fro-dos and five Fro-don’ts.

First is the list of Fro-dos, straight from the horse’s mouth. And by that, I mean Frodo’s mouth. Frodo isn’t a horse. That was just a saying, you know. I just want to be clear on that.

Fro-dos

1. You shall take a hobbit surname.

Some Frodologists may find it inconvenient to comply with this, or simply not want to. If that’s the case, it’s perfectly alright. You still have to do it though. Perhaps you expected me to say something different judging by the content of the previous sentence. Well, that’s irony for you.


2. Keep your ears pointy and your feet hairy.

The reference to pointy ears is thought to express the importance of remaining aware of the enemy’s plans and movements, and gaining as much information as possible.

The reference to hairy feet is thought to be a ban on shaving one’s feet.


3. You shall think in terms of oversimplified dichotomies.

This really does make life easier. Here are a few favorites that may aid in streamlining your life:

• Good v. Evil
  
• East v. West
  
• Democrat v. Republican
  
• Fruit v. Vegetable
  
• Male v. Female

Fig. 1, A hermaphroditic snail has no place in Frodo's world


4. Do your utmost to bring the Word of Frodo to the Heathen.

Perhaps the most effective way to do this is by wasting as much of their time as possible blogging. Endless circular arguments and frequent use of logical fallacies are particularly effective for preoccupying atheists. We have also had notable success converting Christians with the bendy pencil trick.


Fig. 2, Some Christians may take longer to break with this method than others, but they all cave eventually


5. Take offense to nearly everything and portray yourself as persecuted as frequently as possible.

Skillfully practiced, you can be both intolerant of other faiths and easily offended at the same time. Please feel free to follow in Bill Donohue’s footsteps and label any of the following “hate speech”:

• Any suggestion that at some point in time someone was killed in Frodo’s name, followed by an insinuation that it was a bad thing
  
• If people profess to worship deities which are clearly made up, like the Invisible Pink Unicorn, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Odin, or Richard Dawkins
  
• The placement of a discreet poster within eyeshot of a Frodological symbol which suggests that Frodologists might be incorrect in their beliefs
  
• The proposal that two persons of the same gender might one day be married
  
• The labeling of you as ‘jowly’

Check back soon for Part II, Five Fro-don'ts!

A cross of mistaken identity

Ripples of alarm coursed through the Christian world today at a shocking piece of revisionist history surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus. One of religion’s most significant semi-events has been thrown into question by archeologists excavating the plains of Golgotha. It seems that the man crucified in pole position on that fateful day may not have been the Son of God.

Indeed, followers of Thinky, the atheist god, argue that Jesus was a normal mortal and there is no god for there to be a son of.

There is however another extra-disappointing reason why the executed man may not have been the Son of God. It seems, after this painfully drawn out introduction, that it was not Jesus on that cross.

The key piece of evidence in the discovery was the cross itself. Rather than stout Lebanese cedar favored by Roman crucifix-makers at the time, it was instead poorly made from disassembled Ikea children’s furniture. “There are definitely more knots in the wood than you’d expect from a Roman cross,” explained crucifix expert Dale Sands. “This wouldn’t have been comfortable at all.”

Another indication was the shape of the recovered cross. Rather than the traditional ‘+’ shape, the designer went for more of a ‘Г’ style. Experts agree that the victim was thus likely an amputee, or possibly a leper. Some have even suggested that it wasn’t even a man, but a snake bent into a right angle. Most agree this is implausible, however, since snake crucifixion did not become popular in the Levant until the third century AD.

All of this raises the pertinent question that, if Jesus wasn’t crucified, who was? Many believe it could have been Jason the Leper, an early messiah impersonator. Previously lauded for his highly believable performances, no record of Jason’s appearances can be found after the crucifixion. Researchers also point to the dip in popularity of impersonation as a career around the time, flanked on either side by the many highly popular lookalikes of Ptolemy XIII and Septimus Severus.


Jason the Impersonator is led to his death

Evidence suggests that at the time of the crucifixion of Jason the Leper, Jesus was probably stuck in traffic. Early traffic lights had to be laboriously repainted each time they changed, leading to an inexplicably inefficient system which was further complicated by a regional shortage of green paint. From anecdotal sources it appears that Jesus was gripped by a primitive bout of highly un-Christian road rage triggered by a dented bumper. It now seems likely that Jesus suffered a prolonged heart attack at the reigns of his wagon, and ironically, probably suffered a lot more this way.

Christians are however so far resisting the adoption of the bent fender as a religious symbol, holding instead that the crucifix is more aesthetically pleasing. Some critics argue though that this is perhaps not the principle purpose behind an instrument of torture.

Oops, celebrating the New Year was a sin

It’s no secret that holidays provide celebrants plenty of opportunity to sin. Coworkers at the office Christmas party have sex out of wedlock. Other, more envious coworkers think about having sex out of wedlock. Diners engorge themselves on turkey, cake, and wine, and sit idly by while atheists gnaw on babies. The slothful sleep in late, which of course only gives them more opportunity to have sex out of wedlock.

There is however a more surprising way in which the faithful can defile themselves in the eyes of their Lord. By celebrating the New Year, party goers are in fact jubilating over a purely naturalistic scientific concept: the year.

Oddly, since the sun was discovered by vertebrates several millennia ago, man has not been content merely to watch it trace its path across the sky, day after day. Early man pondered over the bizarre combination of factors that led the sun to cause parts of the globe to heat up and others to cool down, except in Singapore, where a proportion of residents are still eagerly waiting for their first snowfall.

Eventually, someone clever realized that the process was cyclical, and set about trying to decipher the period, because it would be nice to, I don’t know, grow crops or something. Hunter gatherers watched enviously as their neighbors stopped hunting and gathering, and started having more sex and going to Led Zeppelin concerts.

Finally the Romans invented a calendar which gave them years of alternately varying length, with the number of added days being determined by a round robin cock fight tournament at the public baths towards the end of December¹. However this unreliable system caused the calendar to drift out of sync with the path of the sun by one day per year, arguably defeating the purpose of a solar calendar.



Remarkably it only took Roman astronomers several centuries to decide the situation was not ideal, and thus was born the Julian calendar. It kind of sucked too, but was oddly good enough for the omniscient Son of God. Finally, in 1582, an angry Jesus briefly rose from the dead demanding to know why Christians were celebrating his birthday ten days late. The Gregorian calendar was finally created to placate the displeased deity.

To make a long story short and bring an end to several paragraphs worth of useless background information, the year is a purely naturalistic, and dare I say it, pagan concept which involves nothing more than the sun’s interaction with the Earth. And they get along just great. By celebrating the cycle, Christians are glorying in naturalism.

Frodologists of course believe that Frodo is responsible for moving the Earth around the Sun, just as He once moved the Sun around the Earth until Copernicus convinced Him to change His mind. We believe the Earth’s orbit has nothing to do with gravity, which is of course a totally untestable concept. But Christians should know better.

---

1. Some think this is what Christmas traditionally celebrates